The Center of My Self

Sticky labels

2012-01-16T21:11:00.001-08:00

It’s difficult to truly know anyone (others don’t see us the way we see ourselves), so we’re constantly showing each other who we are, trying to gain some understanding of one another. It can be difficult to change others’ perceptions, though, especially because we tend to show different aspects of our selves to different people. We’re one person at work, but we’re different people with our parents, our friends, our loved ones, even our pets.

It’s human nature to want acceptance, so we play the roles needed to be accepted within each group. It’s a lifelong journey (at least for me) trying to reconcile all our “selves” and to learn to be authentic and genuine, to drop away the false ego, live our own Truth and connect with our Divine center within.

“People will try to tell you who you are your whole life. When they do, you’ve got to push back and say “No! THIS is who I am.”
~ Emma, Once Upon a Time

It’s human nature to categorize; we tend to like things to fit in nice little, easily identifiable slots. We slap a label on the box—smart, funny, odd, slow, old, young, fat, thin—because we believe it helps us to know how to interact with the person. Labels are easier than getting to know a person. But labels are so limiting. I rarely tell people my age, for example, because I’ve found that they tend to then treat me differently. I want them to know me, not the number of years I’ve been on this side of my journey.

Labels aren’t just limiting, they also tend to be sticky, not easily changed. But people are always growing, learning, changing. I think most people spend much of their lives trying to be better people and learning what that means for them. Personally, I pick various undesirable traits of mine (impatience, judgment) and try to work on them to change and improve myself, with varying success.

Everything is impermanent; people and circumstances are always changing. No one stays exactly the same all their lives. We have to keep our hearts open to see the changes and not retain our old perceptions when they no longer hold true. With open hearts—and no labels—we can see the genuine consciousness within a person, not just the outer shell projected to the world. We need to stop slapping labels on others and work harder at trying to see the essence within.

Namaste

Ruthless purging …

2012-01-02T13:40:00.001-08:00

Happy 2012, friends!

Periodically, I do an assessment or discernment, asking myself:
Am I holding onto anything that no longer serves my highest and greatest good? Is there anything in my life that no longer serves a purpose in where I am currently in my life? Is there any burden that I’m carrying that needs to be released?

I’ve used this technique over the years to release all kinds of things, from just excess stuff to jobs and even relationships. Releasing helps me to make transitions in my life, to make shifts that hopefully help me to open up and grow by not clinging to things that no longer serve a purpose.

Right now, I feel the urge to purge—to lighten up, clear out, freshen up—and declared last Saturday Ruthless Purging Day. It’s carried over into Sunday and now today, but boy am I making happy progress in going through all this stuff, clearing, cleaning, organizing. Whew!

First, I finally sold my china cabinet. Too big, too cramped for seating. Helped carry it out with the guy who bought it. Heavy! Of course, then I had to go through the contents and toss/donate/store everything.

Mom’s china is going to my brother so I went to the Container Store and got china storage packs. (And other stuff; that place is dangerous.) Packed up Mom’s beautiful china. (Being from Texas, she loved yellow roses.)

Then I went through everything downstairs—cabinets, drawers, closet—and kept filling bags. A friend is going to be taking a rug, a floor lamp, a table lamp and the coffee table in about a month, so I’m releasing those to live a new life in her new home. I gave her some stemware, a wireless modem and a large tray, too.

Cleaned and rearranged stuff downstairs and I just love the new, more open look of everything. Today, I’m working on the upstairs bedroom and office, filling more bags to toss or donate.

It feels great to lighten my load and release things that no longer serve me and my needs well. I think we need to take a look at things from time to time and get a fresh, new perspective, whether it’s stuff or behaviors (another aspect I’m working on) or the people in our lives. When anything has fulfilled its purpose in our lives, it may be time to let it go and live another life.

May every thing and every one in your life serve your highest and greatest good. If something/someone doesn’t serve you well any longer, release it to be of better use to another perhaps. May you be blessed with love, happiness and the freedom to be authentically YOU.

Our Divine nature

2011-10-21T18:09:00.000-07:00

"How do we allow God into our minds, bodies, relationships, and life? We stop squeezing the divine out through our preconceived notions of what is sacred and what is profane. When we assume the mind-set that everything is ultimately divine, though sometimes more disguised than others, then we can see that all of our thoughts, impulses, and desires arise from and can bring us back to awareness of the sacred." ~David Simon

“… your essential nature is pure consciousness. Beyond the disguises of ego-mind and the physical body, you are pure awareness, pure joy and pure potentiality.” – Deepak Chopra

When we drop away the ego and the physical, we realize that our essence—all of us—is a Divine nature, and the Divine doesn’t have a physical body. We inhabit our physical vessel for such a brief period of time and yet, some people spend far too much time noting the differences between our bodies instead of the sameness of our souls.

You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.
~ C. S. Lewis

We are not our bodies. When our mortal vessels can no longer live and we are released from our body, we will no longer have gender. We will no longer have skin color. We will no longer have sexual differences. We will no longer have handicaps or illnesses.

All these require a physical body and without a body, we then fully and completely realize Truth: in our essence, we are the same.

change …

2011-10-16T22:47:00.001-07:00

You must be the change you want to see in the world.

~ Mahatma Gandhi

When I become a more peaceful person,
I add more peace to the world.

When I become a more understanding person,
I add more understanding to the world.

When I become a more loving person,
I add more love to the world.

I cannot change the entire world,
but I can change the space that I occupy in it
by changing my self.

The world is more peaceful,
more understanding,
more loving
when I create more peace, understanding and love in me.

Namaste

I love summer!

2011-09-17T16:47:00.001-07:00

I am a summer person. I adore the long, sun-filled days, days where even the sun is so happy it’s summer, that it lingers even longer, reluctant to cede day to night. I love going to work in the morning sunlight; I love coming home in the early evening with the sunlight still dancing long into the day. I can take a walk or ride my bike to the beach at 7 or even 8pm.

Here in Huntington Beach, our summer temps rarely get above 80 degrees. The temps are nicely warm, with soft ocean breezes lovingly caressing the skin.

From the HB pier, we can look toward land and see the snow on Mt. Baldy in the distance

Or look out to sea and see Catalina Island.

I love the endlessness of the ocean stretching out before me, the endlessness of the blue sky. The sheer vastness fills my soul with a beautiful ease and gentles my spirit.

I don’t want to give up the beauty of summer, the love of summer, the length of summer, the smells of summer. In the evenings, I’ll sometimes drive along the beach, enjoying the smell of the bonfires and the ocean air.

For many years, I’ve tried to embrace change and tried to find some joy in fall and winter. I’ve never succeeded, though. Everything starts to die in fall; the beautiful days die sooner and I go to work and return in the dark, saddened by the lack of sunlight. The trees start to turn colors, losing their aliveness, their greenness, as they, too, start to die off and detach themselves from the living tree. I can’t ride my bike when I get home from work, or take a walk in the dark or garden or sit outside reading. My joyfulness in these everyday things dies off when fall blunders in, destroying all the light and happiness of summer days and nights.

Fall’s dampness makes my allergies worse; already I’ve had a sinus headache the last few days and my eyes, ears and throat are filled. I don’t like the heavier foods of fall; I’m a summer-salads-and-stone-fruits girl. I understand that people who live in other places don’t get the wonderfully amazing summers that we enjoy here. To them, fall brings a welcome respite.

But not to me. I want to hang onto the hem of summer’s flowing dress for as long as possible, embracing the beauty, feeling the joy and the lightness of spirit that summer brings.

For Dickie

2011-08-07T23:48:00.001-07:00

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I recently read To Bless the Space Between Us, a book of blessings by one of my favorite authors, John O’Donohue. He has this way of capturing the depths of a soul, the vulnerability, the inner doubts in the midst of certainty. I wanted to share his poem On Grief in honor of my cousin, Richard Oropeza, Jr., who we loved as Dickie. Maybe you’ll resonate with some of the sentiment he expresses. It’s beautiful, honest and says the things we often feel when a loved one’s body dies:

"No one knows what has been taken from you ...
Gradually, you will learn acquaintance
With the invisible form of your departed ... "

I believe that we do learn acquaintance again with our loved ones whose bodies have died, a new way of loving them while we remain temporarily in physical form. This acquaintance is such a beautiful and loving gift.

A body is temporary. We are not.

I love you, Cousin Dickie. You have left your footprints on our hearts and we are forever changed.

For Grief

When you lose someone you love,
Your life becomes strange,
The ground beneath you gets fragile,
Your thoughts make your eyes unsure,
And some dead echo drags your voice down
Where words have no confidence.

Your heart has grown heavy with loss;
And though this loss has wounded others too,
No one knows what has been taken from you
When the silence of absence deepens.

Flickers of guilt kindle regret
For all that was left unsaid or undone.

There are days when you wake up happy;
Again inside the fullness of life,
Until the moment breaks
And you are thrown back
Onto the black tide of loss.

Days when you have your heart back,
You are able to function well
Until in the middle of work or encounter,
Suddenly with no warning,
You are ambushed by grief.

It becomes hard to trust yourself.
All you can depend on now is that
Sorrow will remain faithful to itself.
More than you, it knows its way
And will find the right time
To pull and pull the rope of grief
Until that coiled hill of tears
Has reduced to its last drop.

Gradually, you will learn acquaintance
With the invisible form of your departed;
And when the work of grief is done,
The wound of loss will heal
And you will have learned
To wean your eyes
From that gap in the air
And be able to enter the hearth
In your soul where your loved one
Has awaited your return
All the time.

~ John O’Donohue, To Bless the Space Between Us

enough

2011-07-16T17:21:00.000-07:00

To be content with all that is.

To find nothing lacking.

To know the lightness of enough.

To know the joy of simple abundance.

To accept all good things in life.

To be at peace.

To Be.

peace, love and the sound of the 60s…

2011-06-27T01:20:00.001-07:00

I popped one of my fave CDs into the player, picked up my book and went outside to read and lounge in the warm sun. A quiet day, perfect for relaxing. The music started …

Love is but the song we sing,
And fear's the way we die …

Ahhhh, The Youngbloods, singing what I sometimes consider my anthem.

C’mon people, now
Smile on each other
Everybody get together
Try and love one another right now

The cultural phenomenon of the 60s is generally considered to be from 1963 to 1973. If you had any part in the 60s, you’d love this CD, Summer of Love, The Sound of 1967. Songs like Whiter Shade of Pale (Procol Harum), Daydream Believer (The Monkees), Groovin’ (The Rascals); bands like The Mamas & The Papas, Strawberry Alarm Clock, The Grass Roots. Great music.

Everything just felt so perfect, listening to the music, easing into a Sunday afternoon reverie. I laid down my book and closed my eyes … the music sparking memories, floating through my thoughts …

- Inna Gadda Da Vida playing at the junior high dance; the school auditorium’s screen pulled down; colored gels on the glass of the overhead projector creating a psychedelic light show

- my comfy moccasins, dark brown suede, no fringe

- wearing feathers on a length of leather thong, tied in my long hair

- the British Invasion: music, clothing, make-up styles; hot pants, mini-skirts, halter tops made from Indian cloth; Twiggy’s painted-on lashes that I tried so carefully to emulate

- Love’s Baby Soft: “Wear your love like heaven …” (Donovan)

- Innocent love: Johnny Angel (How I Love Him)

- Casio keyboards

- Lovely, gentle, happy hippies; the Peace Movement; wearing flowers in my hair; Mom calling me Joan Baez as I sat cross-legged on the family room floor, playing my guitar (Wake up, Maggie, I think I’ve got something to say to you …)

- John F. Kennedy. My mom campaigned for his election and we spent many hours stuffing and licking envelopes as little kids. JFK was the first president I was truly aware of and, as such, he set the bar for what I feel a president should be. I’ve not known another president to come close to the stature and greatness that I perceived in this man.

- The Space Program. Civil Rights. Women’s Rights. The end of Jim Crow laws. Vietnam. Sit-ins. Freedom. Counter culture and social revolution. The Peace Corps. The assassinations. Has anybody here seen my old friend Bobby? Can you tell me where he’s gone?

I was just growing up and all of this social upheaval around the world became part of my childhood experience; this was my normal. The world did a profound shift and I shifted with it. It still seems like such a golden time, the music integral to the experience. Images continued to float through my mind as I lounged in the sun, enjoying my quiet Sunday afternoon.

What makes you think love will end
when you know that my whole life depends … on you …

The Association - Never My Love by epb21

Child dance …

2011-06-15T23:42:00.001-07:00

“What inspires you?”, my friend Sandra posted on Facebook. Oh! So many things, my friend! The smell of fresh air, of ocean air: fresh, summery, full, vibrant, with a tinge of citrus around the edges. And the green of the trees outside my window, where the squirrels chase one another up and down and across the limbs and tiny hummingbirds come to visit and peek in my bedroom window. Wide, open horizons stretching out to forever. Watching the sun setting over the ocean, painting the sky in pinks and purples, a giant orb slowly descending toward the water, slowly, slowly, then—flash!—and it’s gone.

Everything made by the Divine inspires me: a budding flower, a tumbling waterfall, the ocean breeze lifting my hair and tossing tendrils across my eyes, a playful puppy with too-big paws, the waves as they move in and out, never ending, calming, rhythmic.

All these inspire me. What I think I find most inspirational of all, though, are children. Their honest, plain-spoken truth of exactly what they know. Unfiltered, unedited, untarnished by others’ thoughts and opinions. Trusting absolutely. Confident and beautiful. Children already know everything they need to know. They laugh and play. They fall down and get back up and run again and again. Free, unfettered. Whee! One child asks another “Do you want to be my friend?” and they join hands and run off to the swings together, with nothing more in common with one another than their mere presence on the playground at the same time. No judgment, no conditions. You are here, I am here. Let’s be friends!

Children know how to be. Their world is comprised of everything they’ve ever experienced up to this moment; nothing more, nothing less. Children know how to open their arms wide and spin, faces lifted to the warm sun, happiness beaming from every pore. They can dance without reservation, just for the sheer joy of moving, light and happy and natural. I always say, I want to party like a 10-year-old.

Children are pure. They are filled with unconditional love. Fresh from the Divine, they still sparkle and glow with an aura that vibrates with all that is holy.

Mom’s empty calendar

2011-05-08T17:54:00.001-07:00

My dad remarried several years after Mom’s body passed away. He gave me some of Mom’s things then, including an old suitcase that we’d used my entire life when we did our annual summer road trips. Hard sides, snap-open locks, a tweed-like pattern and a couple of little pockets on the inside lid. Inside the suitcase were a few treasures that Mom had kept. None of us in the family are hugely sentimental about keeping physical objects, so these must have been very important to her for her to have kept them.

The contents of the suitcase included several white linen or cotton baby garments, most of them exquisitely handmade, hand-embroidered with the tiniest little stitches and teeny little buttons. The detail is beautiful on each of the pieces she saved. There is also a little baby bonnet and cloth baby shoes. Just a few pieces, not many. Mom sewed and embroidered, so I imagine these are pieces that she made and so they are now my treasures.

Laying aside the delicate garments I found a gauzy fringed top and pink harem pants: my harem girl outfit she made for me as a young girl! Next to it was my brother’s Aladdin outfit in blue with a fancy vest. So exciting to see these again and think of her making these for us. I also found a gorgeous white beaded evening purse, all the beads still on it, perfectly preserved.

There were a few other things but I found two very special items tucked into one of the pockets on the lid. One is a small black book: my dad’s military missal. And the other a pocket calendar. Odd to find it saved like this; my mom didn’t keep calendars. Once the year was done, so was the calendar. And she didn’t generally use a pocket calendar.

Leafing through it, January was blank, as was February, March, April and every page in that calendar except one: July. For some reason, she’d posted a payday and a couple of payments. But the oddest thing was on Friday, July 3 on which she’d written “No” and the following Friday, July 10 which said “Yes.” No other notations on any other pages except July. A No and Yes. What could they mean? And why did Mom keep this little mostly empty pocket calendar?

I took a look at the front of the calendar and noted the year and saw that it was the year before I was born. Counting backward, I realized that July was about 7 months before I was born. My heart broke open and tears etched down my face. Mom! You found out you were pregnant with me! I’m her firstborn, the oldest child in the family. I let myself cry, missing her so much in that moment, and held that little calendar that Mom had saved all these years.

Mom had spent that year before I was born caring for her mom who was dying of lung cancer. It broke Mom’s heart when her mom’s body passed away. I remember every Sunday after church, we’d go to the cemetery to take flowers and polish the headstone until it gleamed. Mom mourned the loss terribly. She once even told me that she didn’t like seeing old ladies on the street because her own mom didn’t get to become one. And my mom didn’t get to be an old woman either.

I hope that July 10 was a happier day for my mom. I hope that her pregnancy lifted her heart some. My mom was a generous, kind, loving, laughing, joyful, joke-telling, warm, nurturing, smart, amazing woman. I continue to be enormously touched that this woman who didn’t keep “stuff” kept this pocket calendar where only one month is notated, a month that had deeply personal meaning for her. Yes.

Happy Mother’s Day to all who are moms, here and there, and to all who mother.

Flowers I took to the cemetery today. I love you, Mom!

Five people, four dogs and work craziness

2011-05-01T12:54:00.001-07:00

Whew! Whatta week! My family has been staying with me the past 5 weeks while they were between homes as they moved from one and waited for their new home to be renovated by their new landlord. First one granddaughter came, then the other, then my daughter and son-in-law with two dogs (a pit and a chihuahua), then the other two dogs (both pits) who had been staying with a friend. It’s really been very nice having them here and I feel so blessed to have been able to help them for a few weeks. They weren’t a bit of trouble, even with mattresses and four dog crates on the living room floor. My daughter made delicious meals each night, something I rarely get to enjoy when cooking for one; I could hug and kiss my grands and take them to school each day, and my son-in-law added joy and laughter to the mix.

So life has been a bit irregular around here, but still totally wonderful. This week, though, tempted to tip the apple cart. I work for an interactive marketing agency as a QA analyst; QA tests all the interactive properties (web sites, client sites, analytics work, mobile sites, dealer sites, search pages, etc.) for our client. (My office is dedicated to one client.) We started development on a huge project a few weeks ago, and this week, my team was to start testing the project.

Here’s how the week went: On Monday, I had to replace my water heater to the tune of $1200. Ugh. Tuesday morning, my boss quit, sending an email to management. Wednesday, I received a note that the other QA analyst in my office would be out the rest of the week. I had to do my job plus her job plus my boss’s job, plus ramp up for the big project, plus provide oversight for our QA team in Costa Rica. Friday, we suddenly got additional work that is due to launch on Monday (in addition to the big project). All I could do was tell myself “OK! Let’s do this!”

I am truly grateful for yoga that gives me the tools I need to keep me balanced in times like this. I can maintain a strong focus, not get overwhelmed, stay in the moment and take one thing at a time. I repeat to myself the phrase from “Peaceful Warrior” – Where am I? I am here. What time is it? Right now. I was able to manage it all, provide documents and test plans for the big project, manage testing efforts on the other projects (even when more work was added late on Friday), attend meetings, provide training, communicate with QA Directors in other offices – I got ‘er done. Thank you, yoga and Divine grace!

My daughter and her family moved into their new home on Friday. They left my home absolutely spotless, as if they’d never been here. I chuckle because my home looks so spacious and open now without mattresses and dog crates and clothing and suitcases – haha! Makes me appreciate my home even more.

Life is good, it’s wonderful, it’s kind and loving. I am happy for my daughter and family; their new home will be a wonderful new space for them to love and grow and enjoy their journey. And I’m grateful for the time spent together here and for the loving energy they leave lingering behind in my sacred space.

Namaste

be here now

2011-04-27T23:09:00.001-07:00

“Redemption and resurrection are neither words nor objects of belief. They are our daily practice. We practice in such a way that Buddha is born every moment of our daily life, that Jesus Christ is born every moment of our daily life.”
—from Going Home, Thich Nhat Hanh

I pray all my Jewish friends had a blessed Passover. (I just learned from my friend Laura that the Hebrew name is Pesach. Thank you, Laura.) And I pray that all my Christian friends had a blessed Easter.

Thich Nhat Hahn reminds us that Easter (or Passover) should be more than just a date on the calendar, more than a beautiful celebration and memorable time spent with family and friends on a lovely spring day. The events and teachings should be something that we live each and every day; redemption and resurrection should be in every moment and in every breath. Our grateful hearts should reflect Divine unconditional love to others and to ourselves.

Each Christmas, I watch Heidi; each Easter season, I watch Jesus Christ Superstar. The movie really opens my heart to a better understanding of the human side of the story, both of the Jews and of Jesus himself. I could relate to the emotions and desires of a people that are occupied by foreign invaders, persecuted and fearful. In “Heaven on their Minds,” Judas (wonderfully played by Carl Anderson) sings:

Listen Jesus, do you care for your race?
Don't you see we must keep in our place?
We are occupied
Have you forgotten how put down we are?

Judas was fearful that Jesus and all the Messiah talk would get them all killed. Understanding the human aspect of the story makes it more than a story for me; the people become more real, their emotions become more heartfelt for me. (Ask my family: when Jesus is whipped - with Pilate crying out “Twenty-one! Twenty-two! …” - I dissolve into tears.) The redemption and resurrection become more personal.

I continue to pick up on and learn different things from the movie. In “What’s the Buzz,” the disciples want to know what’s happening, what’s next. They’ve started a movement; where do they take it now? Jesus (played by the utterly amazing Ted Neeley) reminds them:

Why should you want to know?
Don't you mind about the future.
Don't you try to think ahead.
Save tomorrow for tomorrow;
Think about today instead.

Be here now. What a wonderful lesson! Live each day with Heaven on our minds, with Divine love and joy in every moment of every day. The future will unfold, whether we worry about it or not. Release any worry; inhale love and beauty. Everything we have is in this precious moment. Cherish it. See the beauty. Smell the wonder. Smile from deep inside, knowing peace and calm. Save tomorrow for tomorrow. Be here now.

Halleluia!

someone gave me something nice …

2011-04-16T11:07:00.001-07:00

Waaaaaaaay back in February, my sweet friend Sheri was kind enough to give me this thoughtful award. Thank you, Sheri! Now, I don’t normally “play” memes and such, but good golly, Sheri has given me countless hours of delight through her blog. She has a sense of humor that I can relate to, a delicious sense of irony and her kids just say the funniest things! (The apple obviously doesn’t fall far from the tree!) If you want a few moments of absolute delight, go pay Sheri a visit. You’ll be glad you did!

I’m supposed to share seven things about me. So just because it’s you, Sheri, here goes.

1. One of the people I’d most like to emulate is … Kwai Chang Caine. Yes, that Caine, played by David Carradine in the classic 1970s TV show Kung Fu. Something about that character seemed to crack something open in me and made me want to have that same sense of balance, peace and spiritual understanding.

Master Po: Close your eyes. What do you hear? Young Caine: I hear the water, I hear the birds. Po: Do you hear your own heartbeat? Caine: No. Po: Do you hear the grasshopper which is at your feet? Caine: Old man, how is it that you hear these things? Po: Young man, how is it that you do not?

2. I love aqua. It makes me happy. I love colors that are cheery and fun. Neutrals just don’t do it for me. I painted my dining area Aqua Spray around ‘03, then later painted my entry Surfer (a deeper aqua), then my living room Valley Mist (pale aqua/green/blue that changes with the light; love it!). I have aqua pillows, candles, accessories. I decorate with seashells and sand in bowls and trays. I love the energy in my home. I call it my sacred space.

3. I love my yoga practice. I have fibromyalgia and spondylolisthesis and the physical practice of yoga helps hugely with easing the pain and getting me to a peaceful place. I love learning about the eight limbs of yoga, learning about pranayama (breath), ahimsa (non-violence), pratyahara (non-attachment) and so much more.

4. My favorite movie is Heidi. I love all Shirley Temple movies. They make me happy. But Heidi is my favorite; the way a little girl’s love transforms an old man’s heart … sigh …

5. An old boyfriend once told me “You know what the problem is, Rose? You don’t’ need me.” That puzzled me initially. I wanted him, but I didn’t need him. I’m just not a needy person. Neediness is not my thing. I love the Buddhist tenet: Want less. Suffer less. It’s not the lack of something that makes us unhappy. It’s the wanting that makes us unhappy. How many times do people think “if I only had that special thing, I’d be happy?” Shortly after getting it, they’re unhappy again. Let it go. Release wanting. Be at ease. Fill your heart with love and then fill every molecule of your being with love, letting the warm goodness ooze from every pore.

6. Fave book: Happy Yoga: 7 Reasons Why There’s Nothing To Worry About by Steve Ross. It’s a wonderful guide for living and happiness. I’ve read it; I’ve re-read it. I can open it to any page and find a wisdom that I can use in the moment. Wonderful book. I recommend it to everyone.

7. Family: I have two brothers who I love to spend time with. They “get” me. We can talk and laugh for hours. I have an amazing daughter, wonderful son-in-law and two sparkling granddaughters. My mom’s soul parted from her body in 1990; I miss her physical self, her softness, her smile, but I feel her constant love. My dad is my hero; I’m happy that he’s still on this side to make me laugh and hold me with love. I have an abundance of cousins; many of whom I’m very close to. I have three close almost-brothers; we met when I was married and we grew into a family after I divorced.

So those are seven random things. Of course, I’m thinking about changing some of them already—ha!—but I’ll let ‘em be. I’m supposed to pass on the award to seven other bloggerss, but I’ll have to skip that part, if it’s OK. Life has been moving at warp speed lately and I haven’t spent enough time enjoying my favorites. I do recommend everyone on my blog list at the right, though. From spirituality to décor to travel, there’s a little something for everyone. Check ‘em out!

Namaste … Grasshopper …

Here I am …

2011-04-02T17:37:00.001-07:00

Really? it’s been over a month since I’ve posted?

For some reason the past month has had less time than any given month usually has. Does that ever happen for you? One day sometimes seems a bit longer than normal, stretching out and extending every minute into the very fullest, maxed-out minutes ever. Then another day seems to have the shortest minutes ever dashed into time and space, the kind that surprise you as you watch the day speed by in a blur.

I’ve had a month of those teeny minutes, too-short days and just couldn’t fit it all in. I LOVE reading my favorite blogs and I haven’t even read any of them for weeks. Time to catch up! (I’m supposed to be doing my taxes right now, but I’d much rather check out what everyone’s been up to. You understand, right?)

First, thank you so much for those amazing comments on my last post about heaven being in the everyday moments. There is such beauty, grace, love and wisdom from each one of you. I bow (and hold it a few minutes. You really touch my heart. Namaste) If you didn’t read the comments, you might enjoy checking them out.

Laura - You mention angels among us. I regard you as one of them, gentle one. Your thoughts and honest wisdom always resonate with me.

Debra – Yes, there is true joy and peace found in the small, simple and everyday. Seeing the life force and beauty of a small stone or a bird’s song.

Darla – Goodness, but I always adore your loving enthusiasm! We are blessed!

Connie – I am so blessed by your friendship and so grateful for it. “Heaven is all around us - we only have to stop, look, listen and smell.” You’re part of my heaven.

Sharon – Glad you enjoyed the pics! I hope things are warming up and you’re enjoying your blue sunny skies!

Carol – Woods work, too! Any place with a life energy fits the bill, doesn’t it?

Roselle – I’m amazed and in awe that your life has been a message of angels and miracles. So wonderful that you realize it and acknowledge it! I think most of us experience heaven and miracles, but aren’t always open and aware of it. You have a grateful heart because you know.

Rebecca – “I believe that when we are at peace and when we feel loved, we tend to see the good that is out there.” I agree and concur! It’s interesting to me how two people can have the very same occurrence in their life, yet they can react to it in totally opposite directions, with one person grateful and blessed and the other person feeling unhappy or victimized. Peace and love (or lack of it) alter the experience. (( abrazos ))

Sheri – Thank you for the blog award! I learned much about you and share the same feeling about living near the water and about being truly, madly, deeply in love with life right now. SO AWESOME! You always always make me smile. I don’t usually do those lists myself, but for you, I will be very happy to make an exception – lol!

So, here I am … I’ve been doing some freelance writing for a website. Very cool project and I’m enjoying the content development. That’s part of the reason for my absence here; a lot of writing in the evenings or weekends.

And here I am … I’ve been trying to adopt a rescue dog for about two years and recently ramped up my efforts, checking petfinder.com daily, contacting organizations about specific dogs, completing applications and attending weekly dog adoption events at the pet supply stores. There are some great dogs out there! I’m allergic so have been focusing on non-allergenic breeds like Havanese, Maltese, etc. No luck so far, but I’m sure the time will come when “my” dog will present itself somehow. I think the organizations prefer to place the dogs in homes where they won’t be left alone the entire day. I understand that and I’m being patient. I totally trust that I’ll have my dog when I’m supposed to have her. I’m happy and grateful already knowing that there will be a four-legged companion in my life for me to love and care for. Peaceful and content.

And here I am … My daughter, son-in-law and two granddaughters have been living about 50 miles away from me for the past few years. Good news: They’re moving back to Huntington Beach! I’m so thrilled! They’ll only be 2.5 miles from me; we can ride bikes back and forth on the weekends. Their landlord is totally sprucing up their new home; everything should be complete May 1. They’re moving out of their current home next weekend 4/9 and will just stay with me for a few weeks before their move-in. This way the girls can get into school here for the last couple of months. Jasmine (14) moved in with me last weekend; Brianna (10) will be here this Wednesday; we’ll move ‘em next weekend (their stuff will go in the garage of their new place for now) and then everyone will be here. My usually peaceful home will be fun and funny and filled with family. I’m so happy they’re coming back to HB!

And now I’m off to catch up with you all! Those taxes can wait …

simple moments of heaven

2011-02-06T23:56:00.001-08:00

There are those who feel that heaven is not some far-off place with winged angels up there among the clouds, but that heaven is all around us and that we encounter angels every day. I tend to agree with them. I get glimpses of heaven in moments throughout my day; moments of bliss and ease, where I feel at perfect peace and contentment. And angels! I think we encounter them more often than we realize. My mom taught us to notice them; when a good samaritan once helped push our car out of a deep puddle during a downpour and then disappeared, I remember her telling us that he was one of God’s angels and we prayed our thankfulness for the help we received.

My life is good and I am abundantly grateful. All are well, all are loved, we are abundantly blessed even as we face life’s challenges. Life is simple and good. It’s these simplest of moments that reflect heaven to me. Simple moments of family gathered together, teasing, laughing, loving. Simple moments of a warm ocean breeze blowing against my skin. Simple moments of life growing in my garden. Some recent simple moments:

My granddaughters recently spent the night while their parents went to a party. We went to dinner, watched a movie and gabbed all night. Their parents came and spent the night after their party. I love the notes added to the whiteboard on the refrigerator; these sweet words light me up inside when I look at them each day.

The next morning, we walked down the pier to Ruby’s restaurant for a nice breakfast. Gorgeous—heavenly—day. Warm, sunny, the ocean bobbing with surfers, the pier with eager photographers aiming their cameras at the waves.

Looking toward land, we could see the snowcap of Mt. Baldy in the distance. (Approx. mid-center)

Looking the other direction out to sea, we could see Santa Catalina Island.

A day shared with the love of family, ocean, sunshine, warm breezes—peaceful, happy, heaven on earth.

The garden’s just starting to edge toward spring. Below, orchids and cyclamen are blooming.

The yellow/green orchid is ready to bloom, too. I’m really glad it’s doing so well. I split it into three pieces (sawed it, actually) last year, giving the other two to friends. This one came back in great shape and has even more stalks starting up.

And just check out the freesia in this one pot! Freesia naturalizes in surprising spots each year in my garden. coming back in the usual places, but also showing up in new places. I’ll have to stake these somehow; all of those blooms will be too heavy for these slender stems.

Family, ocean, flowers in the garden – surely this much joy and peace are true glimpses of heaven. Have a beautiful week.

One.

2011-01-17T21:34:00.001-08:00

“Imagine all the people living life in peace. You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. I hope someday you'll join us, and the world will be as one.”-John Lennon

"I look forward confidently to the day when all … will be one with no thought to their separateness as Negroes, Jews, Italians or any other distinctions."- Martin Luther King Jr.

One.

I caught a few minutes of “Driving Miss Daisy” recently; there’s a scene where two Southern cops call Hoke “boy” several times, in that superior, swaggering, dripping-with-honeyed-hatred manner some Southern whites of that time held. That accent toward anyone has always turned my stomach. I also just finished reading “Island Beneath the Sea” (Isabel Allende), a story of slavery in Sainte-Domingue (before it was Haiti) and then later in New Orleans. Brutality toward any other being is so difficult to read about or watch.

One.

When Fear rules and guides a person—instead of Love—anyone who is the “other” (not like “us”) is to be viewed with suspicion, instead of welcomed and embraced with kindness. Witness the separateness and segregation of early immigrants: Jews, Italians, Irish with their foreign languages and customs; the separateness of women, requiring new laws to break that separateness; the separateness of Cuban refugees; the separateness and segregation of blacks, of the hatred and brutality they endured; the separateness of gays; the separateness of Latinos, those with legal status and without.

One.

The elimination of separateness seems to move through four stages:

Tolerance
No one really likes “them” in our schools and society, but the “other” is tolerated, allowed limited contact
Acceptance
At some point, it’s accepted that the “other” is here, like it or not, so just make the best of it.
Integration
Beyond acceptance, there comes a measure of equality and the “other” becomes more integrated into society, less noticed as different.
Ignorance
The most complete acceptance is when the “other” is so fully integrated into all facets of life (work, schools, business, politics) that one makes no distinction at all. There is no longer any difference that fosters fear as before.

Ignorance of any difference is the goal, of course, where there is no fear or suspicion, no separateness. It’s the place where we truly become One. We see a person as tall, short, black, white, one-armed, male, female, gay, straight, etc., of course, but we make no judgment or criticism. We make no assumptions based upon the physical make-up of a person.

One.

“… your essential nature is pure consciousness. Beyond the disguises of ego-mind and the physical body, you are pure awareness, pure joy and pure potentiality.” – Deepak Chopra

When we drop away the ego and the physical, we realize that our essence—all of us—is a Divine nature, and the Divine doesn’t have a physical body. We inhabit our physical vessel for such a brief period of time and yet, some people spend far too much time noting the differences between our bodies instead of the sameness of our souls. We are not our bodies. We are not our bodies. We are not our bodies. When our mortal vessels can no longer live and we are released from our body, we will no longer have gender. We will no longer have skin color. We will no longer have sexual differences. We will no longer have handicaps or illnesses.

All these require a physical body and without a body, we then fully and completely realize Truth: we are the same.

One.

Being with what is …

2011-01-09T20:23:00.001-08:00

I have a wonderful, grace-filled friend who has a debilitating chronic illness; each day, her symptoms can change, and they’re usually not very pleasant changes. And yet, she remains a whole, wonderful, amazing gift to those who know her and are inspired by her and her wisdom and grace.

Recently she posted:

“Time, patience, sitting, being with what is, watching it unfold, turn, expand, shrink, stay, move forward and onto another awareness altogether …”

I told her that I should write “being with what is” on my blackboard as a reminder. Her response:

“We so often think we can avoid "what is" particularly when "what is" is unpleasant...NOPE...it still "is". ..well until it becomes "was"...or we run towards "will be"...but come on, lets face it ..."IS," is where we are actually living and breathing.”

How often do we resist “what is?” A chronic illness, loss of a job, divorce, death … some things cannot be changed, others can be changed over time, but in the meantime, we have to be with what is at that moment. I’ve shared many times that one of my favorite mantras is “Receive what you have been given.” When I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia in 1995, I did not receive or accept the diagnosis; I resisted. I continued to search for other answers, something that could be fixed. I finally had to receive what I’d been given and once I did that, I could learn and grow and find what modalities would work for me in managing the pain and avoiding situations that triggered it. It took several years, but I do OK now. I spent too much time, though, not receiving, not being with what is. Resistance was futile. As my friend reminds me: All is welcome. ALL is welcome. all IS welcome. all is WELCOME.

The Buddhists believe that resistance causes needless suffering. When we resist what is, we can’t move forward. We uselessly fight what is un-fightable. Through the usual gamut of life challenges, I feel I’ve learned the lesson pretty well now, not perfectly, but pretty well. When I was laid off last year, I didn’t spent time fretting over it. I worked at finding a new job, but I didn’t worry. I accepted my situation and worked to change it over time. I now trust that I will land where I’m supposed to land and that things will work out the way they’re supposed to (even if it’s not what I would choose).

Bruce Lee expressed this lack of resistance as being fluid, like water:

Be like water making its way through cracks. Do not be assertive, but adjust to the object, and you shall find a way round or through it. If nothing within you stays rigid, outward things will disclose themselves.
Empty your mind, be formless. Shapeless, like water. If you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle and it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot it becomes the teapot. Now, water can flow or it can crash. Be water my friend.

May we learn to Be with what is. Be like water.

Namaste

Thank you, Laura!

Pickle forks

2010-12-30T19:56:00.001-08:00

A few months ago as I opened the flatware drawer to grab a spoon, something made me stop and look at the contents within. Huh! I pulled out a bunch of spoons and spread them on the counter. A motley collection it was: mismatched, some slightly bent, some tarnished silverplate, one poor rough-edged piece obviously rescued from the teeth of the disposal. Most of them had ornate scrollwork on the handles, not at all my style; I prefer simple and smooth, more refined and elegant to me than the fussy swirlies on these strange spoons. Where did they come from? I know I didn’t buy them. I haven’t purchased new flatware since I was married at 20 years old. Some of those original wedding pieces were still in the drawer; some I knew had been chewed up in the garbage disposal and tossed years ago. I still had most of the original forks, knives, soup spoons, iced tea spoons. I also had eight matching pickle forks. Pickle forks that I had never used (does anyone use them?); pickle forks that I would never use in the future.

It’s funny how we collect things over time, not really noticing how things slowly accumulate, getting shoved into drawers, finding homes in closets or cabinets. Things are left behind, added to our other things, given to us as gifts (even though they’re things we’d never buy for ourselves). We keep and keep. Maybe I’ll find a use. As soon as I give it away, I just KNOW I’ll need it. I even saw a magazine pic with spoons used as garden plant markers with the plant names on the bowl of the spoon. What a great idea … that I’ll never do!

When we’re young, our parents choose our stuff for us; it’s not really our stuff; it belongs to our parents and we’re told when we can use it and how. We grow up and then we really start to accumulate our own stuff; the real fun begins! We get an education, a career. We get a spouse—and all the wedding and shower gifts to start our lives together. We get in-laws, children, a house, furniture, a garden, cars. In our 20s, 30s, 40s, we busily acquire all the stuff of life, adding and adding. Christmas lights, decorations, Halloween stuff, snow stuff, golf stuff, vacation stuff … stuff, stuff, stuff, stuff. Whew!

And then one day … we open a drawer and see all the stuff that we never really intended to acquire, the stuff that doesn’t add value and help achieve our highest and greatest good, stuff that no longer serves us well. We begin to reverse the cycle. We want less stuff, not more. We want stuff that fits us better, of our own choosing; stuff that elevates, that reflects who we are. We start divesting ourselves of all the old stuff, the things that don’t match us any longer. We release the burdens, the extra weight we’ve been carting around in life. We choose a new definition, a simpler, cleaner, more spare definition, tossing away the excess frills and fussiness that are not part of our essence, paring down to the purer sense of who we really are at the core and choosing those items that serve us better.

For Christmas, my thoughtful daughter bought me a new set of matching flatware, simple, clean-lined, perfect, my first new flatware since I was a young bride. I emptied the drawer, clearing everything out, amazed at some of the odd pieces I found in there. It all went into a donation box and I washed and dried my new flatware and put it in the drawer. (Doesn’t it look beautiful in the pic above?) Then I cleaned out the utensil drawer, getting rid of things I’ve never used (I don’t cook) or didn’t need (melon baller?), putting them in the donation box, too.

It’s snowballed and I’m starting to go through closets and cabinets and drawers, releasing things that no longer serve me well, packing it all up to donate, clearing my spaces and the excess that was burdening my life. I’m intentionally choosing what stays and what goes, not just letting the accumulation take over my spaces as before. Little by little, I’m reclaiming each of these spaces, dumping out the old, clearing the clutter from my life, getting rid of the “pickle forks” that I don’t need and will never use. I’m reclaiming my sacred spaces for myself, with intention and with love for the beauty and peace of empty spaces as well as for the things of value that I choose to keep.

It’s good to regularly stop and ask ourselves “What is no longer serving me well in my life?” We need to do a periodic cleanse and determine what that is, whether it’s pickle forks, friendships, a job, a location, a pattern of behavior. May we all have a happy and clear 2011!

Namaste

Giddy!

2010-12-23T20:14:00.001-08:00

Giddy, giddy, giddy! I get so giddy with anticipation as Advent comes to an end and we approach Christmas! I love Advent (see previous post) and all the inner work and calm presence that it provides. But I find myself yearning for the fireworks and happy joy that is Christmas!

I’m restless, anticipatory, finding it difficult to live in the present moment because I’m looking ahead to Saturday, planning my trip to my daughter’s home … then my brother’s … then my Dad’s; envisioning everyone opening the presents that I’ve chosen for each of them. Giving gifts is one of the best parts of Christmas! (Being together with those we love is the best.) I try to put careful thought into the presents and that makes it all the more delicious when I see the recipient’s happy smiles and I know I’ve hit the mark. Yippee!

I took a vacation day today and I’m glad I had a lot to do with my restless self. In the morning, I had two lab tests: bone densitometry and mammogram. Both went smoothly; in and out in an hour. Stopped at Trader Joe’s to pick up a few things and bought a pretty bouquet to take to the cemetery for my mom. After the cemetery, I had a hair appointment in the afternoon. Full day and kept me busy.

The cemetery at Christmas is absolutely THE most festive and joyful place to be! Christmas decor explodes in a riot of color and sparkle all over the hills of Good Shepherd. It’s been raining for the last 5 days, but today was nice and clear so there were a lot of families there putting up their holiday decorations; everyone working together, chatting, being family. Red, white and yellow poinsettias in big, foil-covered pots; white picket fences with gold, silver and colored garlands; cardboard fireplaces; giant red-and-white candy canes; angels, snowmen, Santas, wreaths. And the Christmas trees everywhere! Brightly, joyfully decorated with ornaments and garland wound round and round. I wish I could take pics of it all and share with you but it really has to be experienced in person. One family puts up a large cardboard fireplace and hangs stockings on it with each family member’s name; each year, more and more stockings are added to the fireplace. It always moves me; their family clearly consists of those who are still here physically as well as their loved one who crossed over.

And that’s the other beauty of the cemetery: you can feel the air almost vibrating with all the love there! I wish I could share it with you; it’s utterly amazing and always stops me for a moment as I become accustomed to the vibration there. I believe that when we think of others with love in our hearts, we often create a strong, loving connection to them in spirit, whether they’re with or without a physical body. (When my daughter was a child, if we were apart, I’d think of her or she’d think of me with love and the other would feel it with absolute certainty. My mom did that, too, all my life, and even now I sense her loving presence at times.) The physical sense doesn’t matter; it’s temporary anyway and can get in the way of the deepest connections we can make. The forever part of our selves—our spirits—are joined in a beautiful wave of love.

It’s that love connection that makes the air vibrate, I think. As people decorate with their families, they’re loving those who are with them, they’re loving those who have gone ahead of them, they’re remembering their ancestors and their people, where they’ve come from, where they’ve been. It’s all infused with a powerful, abiding, enduring love. The connections blend and blur, filling the air, the earth, the sky, the decorations, the Christmas trees. It’s an amazing experience; I think it’s especially powerful there because ALL those people are gathered there on behalf of loved ones, thinking, remembering and creating a whole lot of love energy concentrated all in one place. Even after they’ve left, that palpable energy remains in the places they’ve been. I’m really glad we still have cemeteries where so many can gather to generate this amazing and loving experience.

I hadn’t been to the cemetery since July when I broke my ankle. Mom’s headstone was in sore need of polishing and the leaves needed to be cleared off. I tried to pry the flower vases from the holes in the ground but they were tightly and stubbornly stuck. I wrestled and wrestled with them until one of the cemetery workers driving by stopped to help, using his shovel to pull the vases out and then to clear the overgrown grass around them. I was grateful for his kind help and wished him a Merry Christmas as he smiled, waved and drove away. I arranged my flowers, cleared away the grass and polished and polished Mom’s headstone until it gleamed. I knelt and prayed, sending her love, sending love to my tios and tias, my abuelos, my cousins and friends who have all gone ahead, adding to the existing loving energy in that place. My restlessness became a calmer, quieter, loving giddiness. Filled with love from all that energy, I’m soooooo ready for Christmas.

Namaste

Of Advent, anticipation and acceptance

2010-12-20T22:47:00.001-08:00

Advent is a time of joyful anticipation, a space to slow down, prepare, go within and examine our hearts and souls, finding a home in our hearts for the spirit of the season; for many of us, for the love of a Savior, a new King. In the midst of holiday hustle and bustle, shopping, decorating, baking, parties, it can be hard to consider Advent being a slowing down time. I used to get caught up in all the chaos until I started focusing on the Advent aspect of this time of year. Eventually, I learned to plan and organize so that I can slow down during Advent. My trick? I take the week off after Thanksgiving, do my shopping (mostly online), write out my cards, do my holiday decorating and spend time preparing my inner life while the outer life around me buzzes with Black Fridays and Cyber Mondays, extended shopping hours, sweater sales and people frantically trying to find the perfect toy. That week allows me to get things done and frees up my time for the rest of the season so I can be more thoughtful, less hurried, more prepared. I remove myself from all the holiday chaos, intentionally, purposefully, planfully.

And that was the plan this year. I took the week off – and promptly became very ill the day after Thanksgiving. I was sick with fever, sweat, chills, nausea – oh, so sick! I lost 14.5 lbs in 4 days. I did manage to get the online shopping done toward the and of the week, but the cards didn’t get mailed, the decorating didn’t get done and three weeks later, I’m still recovering, with a lingering cough and an uncertain tummy.

Life happens and we have to adapt and adjust our plans accordingly, trusting that everything will turn out the way that it’s supposed to. I think of a young girl betrothed to be married, making her plans to become a wife. But all the plans change when her entire world is tossed upside down by the appearance of an angel with a remarkable, fantastical story. I think of a carpenter, betrothed to a girl who we understand to be faith-filled, good and virtuous. Then plans change when he is told that this good girl is pregnant—and not by him, which, according to the laws of the day, could result in her being stoned as punishment. Instead of having her stoned for her betrayal, he decides to quietly divorce her. But plans change again (another angel!) and he takes her as his wife. The lives that they had planned together took a wild, unexpected, unplanned detour. Yet with deep faith they trusted that everything would turn out the way it was supposed to turn out in some unknown way.

Faith is not rigid, unyielding. Faith requires flexibility, an adaptive spirit, the ability to go with the flow. Faith requires accepting the possibility of change, that things may not go the way we’d planned. We can’t stay attached to the plans when circumstances change; rigid attachment creates misery and unhappiness. We have to release our expectations and be flexible to whatever comes up.

Although I didn’t accomplish all I wanted to during my vacation week, I did slow down during Advent nonetheless, editing my plans to suit my changed circumstances, giving up a little in order to gain the peace and calm that nourishes me at Advent. Trusting with deep faith that everything would turn out the way it is supposed to turn out.

I wish you and yours the deep, abiding peace, love and happy joy of the season!

Love,

Rose

Rainbows and angels

2010-12-12T18:23:00.001-08:00

I start to awaken and, as is my practice, with my eyes still closed, I give thanks for the comfort of my bed, for the shelter of my home, for the dreams I had during the night, for my sheets, blankets, pillows, for a restful night’s sleep. I open my eyes and, as I do every morning, I look toward the window where my liquid amber guardian tree stands directly outside my window with all the other trees beyond. The leaves are changing now, losing their green and turning into big leaves of golden yellow. Something on the ceiling catches my eye … and I smile. Rainbows! There are rainbows scattered everywhere in my room: splashed across the ceiling in tightly colored, long, narrow bars; brilliant red, bright orange, vivid yellow, soothing green, deep blue. More are splotched on the closet curtains, but these are refracted from the mirror and are bigger and looser, gentler-colored. I lift and drop the blankets to make a slight breeze and the rainbows start dancing all around, rainbows on walls, furniture, ceiling; so magical!

I hang crystals in the windows of my living room and bedroom. Pollyanna was one of my favorite movies growing up and inspired me to hang the prisms years ago. During the spring and summer months, they’re just a bit of sparkle. But when the sun starts to hang lower toward the south in the fall and winter, its rays can enter the windows directly and hit the the prisms, which explode into brightly colored rainbows in my rooms.

This afternoon, vibrantly colored rainbows were streaked across the living room walls, floor and furniture. When my granddaughters were little, I’d tell them that the rainbows were angels come to play and to bring us love, blessings and happiness. My little grand-girls would dance and laugh in the rainbows or they’d chase and try to catch them if the prisms were moving from the breeze made by their play. Even now, when they see the rainbows in my home, they remember the angels. I do, too.

Lying in bed the other morning, with the colors all around me, I raised my legs overhead to practice the physical therapy exercises I do for my healing ankle (fractured several months ago). I see a rainbow on my ankle as I go through the exercises and I feel that angels are blessing the work, blessing the healing. Silly for a grown woman (a grandmother) to think such things, but I believe in magical things, in angels and blessings and healing powers. As a young woman, I wouldn’t dare share such nonsense with others; what would people think? Thankfully, I’m at an age where I can be a silly old grandmother less concerned about others’ judgments … and I can believe in angels in the rainbows.

Have a sparkly day!

Gratitude – come see my guest post on Shine the Divine

2010-11-29T16:02:00.001-08:00

My lovely friend Laura asked me and several other bloggers to guest on her blog throughout the month of November, sharing our thoughts on gratitude. Laura has an amazing strength and resilience that always inspires me. A talented artist, photographer, writer, wife, mother, counselor; loving, kind, courageous and wise.

After you read my post (and Cathy’s too!), please explore her site and her story; be sure to check out the Thanksgiving post and the glorious, colorful Gratitude quilt, a gathering of over 100 writers.

http://orli-shines.blogspot.com/2010/11/gratitude-month-continues-with-guest.html

releasing expectations

2010-11-24T22:46:00.001-08:00

I’m re-reading The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. Good stuff to mull over, absorb and see what comes up, finding what rings true for you. As I tell others “Keep what speaks to you and discard the rest.”

The 2nd Agreement:

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream.
When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

Different things recently have reminded me about this Agreement and how we get attached to preconceived outcomes. Earlier this week, I thought someone was unappreciative of the extra effort I put in, then I remembered the Agreement and realized that each of us held different expectations of the outcome we desired. I was expecting kudos and attaboys, but the other person was focused on a different outcome. “Nothing others do is because of you.”

Another example of a preconceived outcome: A friend has been estranged from his son for a few years. Out of the blue a couple of weeks ago, the estranged son texted my friend. Something light like “Hey, how’s it going?” Instead of being joyous that his son had texted him after all this time (wouldn’t that be hard for the son to do?), my friend was upset because the text wasn’t worded the way friend wished it had been. “Shouldn’t he have said ‘Hey, Dad’?” “Don’t you think he should’ve said he’s sorry?” “I’d think he’d say something like …”

I couldn’t believe all the shoulds—the expectations—my friend had as to how his son should have composed the text message. Looking at my friend, I said the point was that his son had reached out and contacted him. The words could have been “eeny meeny miney moe”; they don’t matter. What mattered was that his son broke through and connected. Isn’t that ultimately what they wanted, to resolve the rift? I imagine my friend had been playing an entirely different picture in his mind for how they’d reconnect and this didn’t fit his mental movie. He had a preconceived scenario and couldn’t switch from his expected outcome and accept the different outcome (a great outcome!) that actually resulted. He held on to what he imagined instead of embracing what is, creating “needless suffering.”

I believe it's best not to be attached to a preconceived outcome; the outcome we desire rarely manifests exactly the way we envision. To have a preconceived outcome in mind is to invite certain disappointment. That’s not to say we shouldn’t imagine how we’d like things to be (I enjoy fantasizing about a lush garden and a cute puppy), but we shouldn’t become attached to them. Hold loosely to that which is not sacred. Hold loosely to expectations.

Many families hold expectations during the holidays. If we go into these gatherings with a Norman Rockwell picture fixed firmly in our imagination—expecting certain characters to be other than what they’ve always been through the years—we’re going to be disappointed. Family gatherings can be big, noisy, messy things. Sometimes words are misunderstood or misinterpreted. Sometimes feelings get hurt entirely unintentionally. (I tend to trust in the Good Intentions of others.)

Better to release our attachments to those expected outcomes and be flexible to whatever comes up. Let it go. Let it flow. Ride the wave. Don’t take anything personally. Instead of thinking “that’s a rude comment” just think “that’s a comment.” Don’t interpret and judge; people usually don’t mean to hurt others. We begin to misunderstand each other when we judge things in terms of “should” and “good/bad.” Be accepting and flow like water.

Letting go of preconceived outcomes allows us to open our hearts to a different, easier path, one where there is less needless suffering. Let it go and enjoy what happens. Just don’t take anything personally.

Namaste

On my nightstand …

2010-11-15T00:23:00.001-08:00

Do you enjoy reading? Growing up, my parents, brothers and I were voracious readers, heading to the library each Saturday, returning home with the maximum number of books we were allowed to check out and repeating the cycle again the following Saturday. We’d sometimes negotiate with one another at the library: “You check out those and I’ll check out these and then we’ll switch.” We read a wide variety of topics in books, magazines (from Readers Digest to MAD Magazine), comic books; consumed the Frank L. Baum Wizard of Oz series, Hardy Boys, Nancy Drew; classics like Call of the Wild, Little Women, Walden; history, wars, political intrigue, mysteries, Egyptology, dance, music – we’d read under the covers after Mom told us to turn out the light. (I think of a lot of us did that! ha!)

I go through spurts of interests in my reading. At one point, I was primarily reading business books along the lines of In Search of Excellence; at another stage, I read classics that I’d missed (Grapes of Wrath); and at another, I indulged in Latino authors and stories.

Lately, my reading has mostly been regarding spirituality and our yearning to connect with the Divine. There is such a wealth of reading available and many of my like-minded friends have wonderful recommendations that I keep adding to my list.

Right now on my nightstand are four wonderful books that I’ve recently completed reading.

- The Yoga of Jesus draws beautiful, rich parallels between the teachings of Jesus Christ and those of the ancient yogis. Examining Christian teachings through a yogic viewpoint provided greater clarity and a deeper understanding; I read this slowly, pondering and absorbing, going back to re-read sections. A beautiful, enriching experience.

- In Your Truest Self, Jan Lundy interviews 12 inspiring spiritual women and identifies 12 spiritual principles to help us strip away the false ego and identities we’ve manufactured and to reach inside to the truest and most authentic version of who we are. There are thoughts to ponder, reflections and exercises to aid our journeys. I love the stories of the 12 women and was inspired by the way their personal belief systems helped them through very challenging situations.

- Happy Yoga – possibly my favorite book ever! This is the third time I’ve read this book, it’s that amazing. It’s not about physical yoga, so much; it’s about how to be happy! I think that just about every word in this book resonates with me. The first time I read it, some of the ideas and principles were very new to me but felt so right, like a personal discovery that I’d known all along but that had been hidden from me until I read this book. Reading Happy Yoga always gives me profound joy!

- Anam Cara is by Celtic poet John O’Donohue and if you’ve ever listened to his audiotapes, you’ll find yourself hearing his smoothly lilting Celtic voice in the prose. The language is utterly beautiful, each word like consuming the finest meal and drink. O’Donohue’s love for Celtic mystical thought shines forth and he brings you into a world of deeply ancient truths, of harmony with all that is Divine.

And now I’m re-reading The Four Agreements, a book of simple, practical guidance that challenges me to be more mindful and operate from a different state of heart.

What’s on your nightstand? Any recommendations you’d like to offer? Which reminds me: I need to renew my library card!

Mindful breathing

2010-10-17T13:39:00.001-07:00

A little “Rose woo-woo” for a peaceful Sunday - lol!

I came upon this brief 5-step mindful breathing practice by Thich Nhat Hahn and wanted to share with you. I practice pranayama (mindful breathing) every morning through a series of three different practices: three-part ujjayi breathing, kapalabhati, and nadi shodana.

It's always fun and creatively satisfying, though, to come across other ways to practice. And anything from Thich Nhat Hahn always seems to be just right for the moment.

"Breathing in, I dwell deeply in the present moment. Breathing out, I know this is a wonderful moment.”

If you'd like, try it and see if it brings peace and joy to you in this wonderful moment. Namaste

http://www.cyber-key.com/mj/meditation_TNH.html

kindness and compassion

2010-10-02T15:22:00.001-07:00

So with a boundless heart
Should one cherish all living beings;
Radiating kindness over the entire world
Spreading upwards to the skies
And downwards to the depths ~ from the Metta Sutta

Kindness and compassion – they add such beauty to our living experiences. My parents always taught us to think of others, to extend ourselves to others, to look to ease others’ discomforts and to assist them in their needs. We always volunteered. It just comes naturally because it’s how I was raised. I don’t even think about it. I’m thankful for their gift and teaching.

My granddaughters laugh because I talk to everyone; I compliment the sales clerk on her earrings … and she shares a story of how they were passed down in her family. I talk to a couple enjoying lunch at Disneyland … and they tell me about their engagement. I talk to strangers every chance I get. People are just so wonderful when we see them through the eyes of kindness.

I smile when I drive: at other drivers, at pedestrians, at cyclists. It’s so beautiful when I get a big smile back!

My parents encouraged us to always think of how our actions affect the next person. When I drive, I try to anticipate if another driver will need to merge into my lane … and I slow down to allow them the room to change safely. In my yoga class, I always take a few minutes at the end of class to sort and arrange the yoga blocks so they’re nicely set up for use by the yogis in the next class.

We are all part of a Divine Consciousness, one Body, one Love Energy permeating through the separateness that we encounter in our physical selves. Goodness toward one is goodness toward all. Let us be good to one another. Let us be good to our selves.

May you give and receive kindness, compassion and goodness. Namaste

The Parable of the Old Man and the Horse

2010-09-12T12:48:00.001-07:00

Watch a young child when he is first learning to walk, taking those Frankenstein steps, arms raised up instinctively for balance. Oops! Fell down. The child gets on all fours, gets back up again and continues lumbering.

Watch children playing in a playground, running, jumping, falling, getting back up and doing it all again (assuming no one gets hurt, of course).

A baby playing on a beach might get sand in her mouth, and sputters to get it out, her little sandy tongue pushing and instinctively spitting.

One of the great things we can learn from kids (especially young ones, before they’ve unlearned their magic) is to not judge events like these. A fall is just a fall. It’s neither good nor bad, really. It is just a fall and that is all it is. Things just are what they are, until we attach a judgment to them. (Kids are such wonderful teachers, aren’t they?)

When I fell and broke my ankle a couple of months ago, friends commiserated, some saying, “Oh, that’s terrible.” Is it terrible, though? Or is it just a fall? Is it just a broken ankle? Inconvenient, at times challenging, but it’s really neither bad nor good. It just IS.

Another friend recently posted an article about a product’s possible dangers. Some responded “Oh, that’s scary!” Is it? If we don’t assign a judgment, it’s just information to consider and use to make consumer choices about the product.

We have a tendency to assign judgments to things so readily. Neighbors hollering and enjoying an afternoon football game could be an annoyance to some … or it could just be neighbors enjoying a game.

~ ~ ~

An old man lived in a tiny village, and although poor, he had a good, hard-working horse to help him on his farm. “You are lucky to have such a fine horse!” his neighbors told him.

One day, the horse was not in the stable. “What a tragedy!” his neighbors said. “You will not be able to care for your farm and your crops will rot. What a curse!” The old man responded, “Don’t speak too quickly. Say only that the horse is not in the stable. That is all we know; the rest is judgment. Who knows what is good or bad?”

After a few days, the horse returned … and brought several other wild horses with it into the corral. “You are so blessed! You now have a whole herd!” the man’s neighbors said. He replied “Say only that the horse has returned and brought other horses with him. Who knows what is good or bad?”

The man’s eldest son went out to break the horses and was thrown and broke his leg, right at harvest time. The neighbors came and said, "Your son that you count on is injured. You are so unfortunate!." He only replied, "Say only that my son broke his leg. That is all we know. Who knows what is good or bad?”

A week later, a general of the army came to the village and drafted all the young men of the village to go off and fight a dangerous war, sparing the old farmer’s son because of his broken leg. The villagers came to the old man crying because their sons had been taken. “You are so fortunate your son’s leg was broken! Our sons may never return.” The old man replied “Do not judge or say what is a blessing or a curse. Say only that your sons had to go to war and mine did not. The rest is not known.”

~ ~ ~

A wretched curse and a blessing are only distinguished by one’s perception. It’s not easy to alter one’s perception, but with practice, we can unlearn our tendencies to judge and be more like the little children we once were. We can accept that a broken ankle is just a broken ankle. We can accept that what is, sometimes just is.

a little alone time …

2010-09-05T14:33:00.001-07:00

Settle yourself in solitude, and you will come upon God in yourself. ~ St. Teresa of Avila

Solitude – we live in such a hustle-bustle world that solitude and quiet can seem hard to come by. It can be challenging to find true silence. Everywhere there is noise assailing us: on video screens in the grocery store’s check-out line; from people’s cellphone conversations; traffic noise; children playing; radios and TV blaring. Many of us have difficulty finding a place of solitude when there are children to care for, jobs to do, errands to run. I know of folks who always have the TV or radio on to have “background noise.” Many people feel uncomfortable and squirmy in silence.

Silence provides peace and calm to the spirit. It can have a physical effect, lowering blood pressure, tension and anxiety. (Listen to loud, raucous music for a few minutes, then turn it off. You can almost feel your body say “aaaaahhh …”) Silence allows us to go within to hear the voice of the Divine. The voice of the Divine doesn’t yell and jump up and down to get our attention. It doesn’t shout; it whispers … gently, in our hearts. Yes, it’s also present in each moment of our day-to-day lives, but when we want to really touch and engage with our Divine consciousness, it can be best to find a quiet place of solitude, free from any distractions.

To find her quiet place, a friend spent time sitting under a Banyan tree each day to reflect and to write. A friend in Hawaii swam with the turtles. My mother used to sit in her big upholstered rocking chair, rosary beads in her hands, her children playing around her, eyes closed, lost in the ecstasy of prayer. Jesus often went off by himself to pray, out in the wilderness, up on a mountain, to a “lonely place.” When my ex-husband left us, I went to the beach nearly every day, just sitting and watching the waves come in and go out, gaining peace from just being in a quiet place and feeling the presence of the Divine with me, making me feel safe and Loved.

The act of solitude—of removing oneself from the distractions and chaos—gives us a quiet place to Be, to listen, to hear the voice of the Divine whispering in our hearts. It might be out on a hike, pausing to quietly gaze at the natural creation around us. Or on the ocean on a surfboard, bobbing up and down in rhythm with the waves. On a beach, in a garden, in a park, in a quiet place at home.

We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness.
God is the friend of silence. ~ Mother Teresa

Each morning, I spend those first quiet minutes in bed feeling the energy of Love in my life. I awaken happy and joy-filled, connecting with the Divine consciousness present in all of life—in the trees outside my window, in the chattering of the squirrels, in the light of the day. Afterward, I sit quietly on the floor, breathing full, deep, lung-filled breaths at first, then just sitting. Nothing to do, nothing to undo. Just sit and Be. In those quiet moments I can best hear the Divine whispering in my heart, starting my day.

How do you find peace and solitude in your life?

small acts of kindness

2010-08-27T17:51:00.001-07:00

"Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier.
Be the living expression of God's kindness:
kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile."
— Mother Teresa

The phone rang the other night:

Caller: “Good evening. This is [name] and I’m calling on behalf of the American Cancer Society. How are you this evening?”
Me: “I’m fine, [name], thank you. But this is the third call I’ve received from the American Cancer Society this week.”
Caller: “Oh …”

And in that “Oh …” I suddenly felt my ego-self drop away and my higher consciousness showed me a woman … a wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend … working a job … putting in an honest day’s work, earning a paycheck to pay the bills. In that “Oh …”, I could feel her tense up, ready to be yelled at, hung up on or berated for bothering a person for the third time in a week.

Me: “It’s OK. I told the previous caller that I would help, so we’re all set. But thanks for calling!”
Caller (with obvious relief in her voice): “Oh, great! Thank you soooooo much. Have a great evening!”

I hung up with a smile on my face. I’d had a choice: I could be annoyed and blustery at being (insignificantly) inconvenienced and make this kind woman cower in her shoes … or I could simply and briefly explain the situation in a way that honored BOTH of us. The entire conversation took less than a minute. I wasn’t inconvenienced; the caller had done nothing wrong. I imagine the call list she was given hadn’t been de-duped and so my name appeared on multiple lists. Not her fault; a simple error. Things happen.

Some people brag about how they handle telemarketers, how they blow a whistle really loudly into the phone or curse at them and hang up, how they really “show them” for daring to call (i.e., do their job) in the first place. Why do that? What higher purpose does that serve? How does that make any of us better? How does that bring about heaven on earth?

It’s actually pretty rare that I get a telemarketer call. I’m on the National Do Not Call Registry (donotcall.gov) so the only calls I get are from organizations that I’ve provided information to, such as charities. But when I do get a call and I’m not interested, all it takes is a gentle “Thank you for calling, but I’m not interested at this time. Have a good evening.” Simple, kind, effective.

Every day, we have a myriad of opportunities to be kind to others, to smile, to wait our turn, to open a door, to give up a seat, to wave at a neighbor. These are opportunities to connect with our higher consciousness, to remember that we are all connected through our Divine nature, that we are One.

May you give and receive kindness. Namaste

No waiting

2010-08-17T14:10:00.001-07:00

I had a yoga teacher, Peter, who often shared beautiful wisdom with us that spoke truly to my heart. I was grateful for the many things I learned from him during the short time that I was his student.

One of the lessons that has had a strong influence in my approach to things was about waiting. Waiting is an activity, an active stance, a verb; to actively expect something to happen. It’s looking ahead to some future event, to anticipate the next thing. Sometimes we worry while waiting, sometimes waiting takes too long. Waiting isn’t the same as being fully in the present.

There are times when we need to wait. But instead of looking ahead and missing the present moment, we can choose to be fully present to right now and instead of waiting, we can just sit and Be. As Peter put it:

Be … and the next thing will happen.

Whether we anticipate and wait, or sit and Be, either way, the next thing will happen.

In yoga class, there’s a general pattern that’s followed and it’s easy to anticipate the next thing. A Warrior II is often followed by an extended side angle stretch, for example, or a floor asana on the back might be followed by a spinal twist.

In Peter’s class, initially, I would be working a pose and anticipating the next pose he would call out. I’d be thinking “OK, we’ll be moving to [pose x] next …” instead of fully experiencing the current pose that I was working. Peter wouldn’t shift into the next pose, though, we’d hold and hold and hold the pose, my legs and arms quivering, Peter encouraging us to experience all that was present to us right now in THIS pose: turn out the thigh, tighten the underarm muscles, lengthen the spine… all the myriad tiny little adjustments that can be made to perfect a pose. I soon forgot about the next pose and let myself melt into the work of the present moment.

This teaching has totally shifted my inner peace when I’m waiting now. By learning to be fully in the present moment, I can experience it more completely--the sights, sounds, sensations. I don’t look ahead of where I am right now and anticipate the next thing. I enjoy where I am in the present moment.

I can simply Be … and the next thing will happen.

Namaste

No fear

2010-08-15T20:10:00.001-07:00

“If I’m filled with only one thing at a time, and that thing is loving-kindness,
then there is no room for resistance or anger or
the rest of those snotty-nosed kid emotions we all thrive on.”
~ Geri Larkin, Tap Dancing in Zen

I guess we all get them, the chain emails that are filled with anger, CAPITAL letters, multiple exclamation marks from people or groups that are absolutely fed up and mad as heck and want the rest of us to be, too. Many of these are aimed at specific people or groups of people, the OTHER, those not like us; or they’re targeted toward certain political figures or corporations. There are conspiracies afoot, many of them assert. We have to act NOW. The tone is alarmist, sensationalist, frightening; the scaremongers proclaim that the sky will fall—doom will prevail—if we don’t do something.

I delete them. I just don’t want that kind of vitriol and hate within my consciousness. There is so much Fear in them, fear that They are out to get us, that They are doing bad things. I don’t want my life ruled by fear.

I want my life, my thoughts, my emotions, my actions—my entire being—ruled from a center of Love. I want my Divine consciousness to guide my life. I want to be at peace, to be gentle with my love for all of God’s creation. I want to live with tolerance and understanding, with the inclusiveness that Divine Love counsels me to do.

Love is dominant in my life. Love is in every breath I take, each inhale and each exhale. Love is in my smile toward others I meet: young, old, clean, unwashed, tough or timid. I can’t—I won’t—live a fear-based life.

Love doesn’t incite others to fear; Love embraces, includes, tolerates, understands, forgives.

When Love fills every fiber of my being, there is no room for fear or anger, intolerance or hate. I choose Love.

Namaste

Dinner on a roll

2010-08-08T19:19:00.001-07:00

I stayed with my brother and sister-in-law from last Sunday night until Wednesday night. Those three days really helped me on the road to healing, as I didn't have to do everything myself those first few days. My SIL made sure I had ice for the swelling, they gave me meals, I had my own suite with bathroom, a big comfortable bed - so grateful. The pain is tons less than it was initially, the swelling is going down and I'm sure that with all the prayers and good wishes from friends and family the healing is going well.

They went with me to the ortho on Monday. Instead of a cast, he allowed me to stay with the boot and crutches as long as I promised not to put any weight on the left leg for 3.5 weeks. After that, I can walk with a walking boot while it completes healing. Not bad, huh?

I returned home Wednesday night and my brother set up wireless in my home and I set up my personal and work laptops on the dining table. Each morning, before I come downstairs, I gather everything I need for the day (cell phone, paperwork, etc.) and put it in a plastic bag and then I booty-bump it downstairs, dragging the plastic bag behind me. I stay downstairs all day, then go back upstairs at bedtime with my plastic bag of anything that needs to go back upstairs. Pretty hilarious if you could see it in person, but heck, it works!

I find myself filled with gratitude daily for so many things! My little stand-up shower allows me to hang on to the walls with no danger of falling; my kitchen is small enough that it’s just two steps to the fridge or the stove or the sink. Small is good! I’m finding all kinds of ways to manage on my own and it’s working out just fine. AND I’m asking for help when I need it. My neighbor just put my trash cans out for pick-up and gave my front plants a good watering for me. I believe most people want to be helpful; we simply have to put away our egos and let them do so.

I even found a way to get my dinner from the kitchen to the living room. (Bad, I know. I eat in front of the TV.) My brother brought my stool downstairs for me on Monday so I could prop my leg up. I found that it also makes a very handy transport device! I put my meal (salad and tuna last night) on the stool and then push it ahead of me with my crutches – ta-da! (See the crutch in the pic below?) My buddy Chris cracked up when I told him. I think it’s pretty clever. Necessity is the mother of invention – lol! So, that’s the latest. I’m looking forward to walking in just a couple more weeks. Every time I use the crutches I think to myself "You grew it, you lift it." LOL!

Ego and a broken ankle

2010-08-01T14:03:00.001-07:00

Attractive, isn’t it? Thursday at work I slipped on a paper that had dropped on the ground, my right leg sliding forward while my left leg and ankle twisted up behind me. (Thankful that I’m flexible and can do splits.) Yowza! It hurt something fierce so I just sat there on the ground for a few moments, making jokes with co-workers who had gathered, putting my arms up in the air with a brave “Ta-da!”

I thought it was just twisted and some ice and elevation would help. By the end of the day, it was still hurting pretty badly. Several co-workers offered to help me, but I kept saying “Thanks so much, it’ll be OK.” When I tried to walk, though, I realized I might need a little help. One friend helped me to the elevator so I wouldn’t have to take the stairs and another drove me to my car. “Are you sure you can drive?” “Oh, yeah, I’ll be OK.” “Call me if you feel you need to pull over and I’ll get you.” “Thanks! I’ll be OK.”

I have a manual transmission, a stick shift, a clutch. It was NOT OK. Every time I had to depress the clutch was like sending electric shocks of pain shooting through my ankle and leg. It actually felt crunchy. Stop-and-go traffic on the freeway didn’t help. “Turn green … turn green … turn green …” I said at every light after I got off the freeway.

I drove to the after-hours clinic, hobbling up to the door. “I’m sorry, the doctor just left. There’s another clinic across the street.” I hobbled back to the car and drove to the other clinic. “Do you need a wheelchair?” My first inclination was to say No, I’ll be OK, but the wheelchair sounded pretty good by then, so I accepted.

X-rays showed that I’d fractured the bone about two inches above the ankle, an unusual break according to the doctor and x-ray tech. When they found that I’d driven myself almost 20 miles on a broken ankle, they looked at me like I was a crazy person. “How are you getting home?” “I’ll drive myself.” Again, the crazy looks. “Do you have anyone at home to help you?” “No, but I’ll be OK.” Again, with the looks and comments like “You’re very strong.”

Thankfully, my daughter called me when I was preparing to drive home and said she and her hubs were in the area (they live 50 miles away) and would drive me home. I accepted. Being strong at this point wouldn’t be too smart. I had to accept help.

This is a good lesson for me. Like the other strong women I know, I am stubbornly independent. Being a single parent taught me to stand on my own two feet and get 'er done without asking others for help. I could always figure it out and take care of things. So it's very difficult for me to accept any help from others. I never want to impose on others or have them go out of their way on my account.

One of the things I’ve been working on is releasing the ego and I see this as part of the lesson. It’s ego that makes me rush to help others, but not accept help when I need it. It’s humbling to accept help from others; even more humbling to ask for help. But I have to. Humility is a good lesson to learn. I have to put aside ego, do what I can reasonably do and allow others to help me with the rest.

My daughter and her family brought me dinner on Friday night and stayed to visit. My precious friend Vicki is lending me her car (automatic) while she’s in Scotland. Her daughter/my goddaughter Taylor took my laundry upstairs for me when they brought the car over. My brother has offered to let me stay at his place where I can use their downstairs suite. The bedrooms are upstairs in my home and navigating the stairs is challenging; I’ve learned to go down on my butt. So I’m going to go and stay with him and his wife for a few days. My neighbor just called and left a message offering to help, too.

I’m being humbled but I’m learning. And I’m grateful this is temporary.

Namaste

My grands are off to Sea Adventure Camp!

2010-07-25T23:09:00.001-07:00

I’m just so thrilled! My granddaughters, 13 and 10, leave tomorrow morning for Sea Adventure Camp, spending five days aboard a three-masted schooner, American Pride, where they’ll raise sails, snorkel and kayak the waters of Catalina Island, explore and discuss marine life and their adaptations, learn ecology, geology, island history. There’ll be popcorn movie nights, beach parties, skits, sea shanties – my tummy’s tingly with excitement for them!

Here are a couple of links if you’d like to learn more:

http://www.americanpride.org/SUMMER_SEA_CAMP.htm

http://www.americanpride.org/EducationalBrochure2009.pdf

Doesn’t it sound like a wonderful adventure? Like being a pirate at sea but without that pirating part – lol! My grands are very cool little chicas and they love a good adventure! One of their greatest gifts is that they are so adaptable to different situations. They know how to go with the flow and be flexible. Their mom and dad (my daughter and son-in-law) take ‘em on trips to the river and the lake in the summer, and snowboarding in the winter, plus other vacations (Hawaii, Mexico, Washington), and they’re just very comfortable and easy-going about things as a result. They aren’t tied to an outcome, rigid and inflexible; they just roll with whatever happens. Not being tied to an outcome and being adaptable are such great qualities, don’t you think?

When I called my dad the other night, he asked (as he always does), “How are the girls?” Now, Dad’s had a couple of strokes, so his memory isn’t as sharp as it was; he tells me “My clutch is slipping” – lol! On top of that, his hearing is pretty bad, too. Put bad memory and bad hearing together and you have yourself a challenging phone call for both of us. But we do our best. Sometimes I have to repeat something a time or two or remind him of names and relationships. Sometimes it’s too much and he just says some non-committal statement to make me think that he heard/understood me, but I know he didn’t. Doesn’t matter. We move on and it all works out.

When he asked about the girls, I told him about their Sea Adventure Camp and that they’d be on a schooner for five days. Oh, how he perked up! Dad served in the Navy in the Korean War aboard the USS Ernest G. Small. On October 7, 1951, his ship hit a mine off North Korea, killing 9 and wounding 18 of my father's friends. Four days, later her bow broke off in heavy seas. My dad loved being in the Navy. He’s always told me he loved being at sea, away from everyone; he loved the peace of being out on the ocean.

So he is just thrilled about the girls going on this Sea Adventure. I told him they would learn how to tie nautical knots and he told me that although he learned them in training, he never did them after that. He was the Personnel Officer so there was no need. He told me, too, that as Personnel Officer, he would get up at 4am each morning and check the newswires for the latest news. He’d then gather all the pertinent information together, make stencils and create a daily newspaper for the crew. I loved learning that about him. I love any and every opportunity I get to learn more about my dad’s personal story. I want to know his stories so I’ll have them to enjoy for the rest of my life. We all should share our stories more …

I’ll be picking up the girls on Friday when their ship returns. I’m really looking forward to hearing their stories about their adventures at sea!

Rose

PS. My youngest grand has been saying for some time now that she wants to be a Marine Biologist. Isn’t this just perfect?

remembering that it’s temporary …

2010-07-04T16:17:00.001-07:00

"Have you ever stopped to consider, Rose, that due to your eternal nature,
you, and everyone else, live forever?

Of course you have.

And therefore, have you realized that in the truest sense,
everyone beats cancer, aids, and starvation?"

~ The Universe

I subscribe to daily posts from tut.com; loving, brief messages that remind me of my divine nature. And I just loved this message!

I believe we are eternal, that we only (very) temporarily manifest in a physical form as we are now. It is beautiful and joyful to consider that, as eternal beings, we will be wonderfully free of every ailment, every sorrow for all eternity. I’ve carried sorrow in my heart the past couple of months and I found this message a good reminder to focus on the joy in each moment; to find the peace and calm in every focused breath. Although each loss and grief is tragic while we endure them, they are mercifully temporary. All suffering is temporary. Hallelujah for that!

You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.
~ C. S. Lewis

Time to be together …

2010-06-23T01:04:00.001-07:00

The last couple of months have been very busy, some event or gathering every weekend, getting together with family and friends, multiple events on the same day – just an unusual flurry of activity. (Boy, my home really needs a good cleaning – lol!)

A dear friend married her love at a beautiful garden ceremony at a luxurious hotel in Los Angeles. The garden was beautifully set in a Chinese theme with pink and white paper lanterns overhead; the food was delicious. Most of all, I was thrilled to see my friend looking so radiantly happy with her new husband! I caught up with an old friend there, as we all—friends and (very large) family—celebrated the happy couple.

Another friend’s daughter celebrated her First Communion, a beautiful milestone in her religious education; everyone—adults and children—got together in the family’s home afterward to celebrate with a big spread. I had a great time! Recently, I was also lucky enough to attend the dance recital of another friend’s daughter; I loved it. She danced beautifully, was very comfortable on stage performing, and I really enjoyed all the other dance numbers, too. The littlest ones are always so cute!

We spent a weekend in Three Rivers, California (near Sequoia National Park) to share in my sister-in-law’s (my ex-husband’s sister) 25th wedding anniversary. They renewed their vows on a wooden bridge over the Kaweah River. The husband (they’re both in theater) sang to his wife during the ceremony; oh, it made me cry, hearing the love in his song! A reception followed, with slideshow, music, flowers, food. The family all stayed to clean up, washing pans and utensils in the big church kitchen, packing the extra food, everyone horsing around and laughing. We all went back to my sister-in-law’s home, which sits with the river at their back door, talking and laughing late into the night. The next day, my daughter, son-in-law and two granddaughters and I went to Sequoia National Park to visit the giant redwoods. Were we surprised when we got up there and it was snowing! Fun trip!

A friend drove out from Arizona with her daughter and mother for a short visit, so myself and 4 other friends drove out to Playa del Rey to have dinner with them. Non-stop gabbing – lol! We had a great time!

Several of my old high school chums have met again on Facebook, friends I haven’t seen since high school back in … some time ago. One friend came out from North Carolina to visit so we planned a beach party mini-reunion so we could all get together in person. Omigosh! It was like we were all teens still in high school, teasing, telling stories, laughing till my stomach hurt! I had a perma-smile on my face from all the happiness; at one point I looked at my old friends, gathered talking and I looked at the sky, the beach … felt the warm sun and the breeze … and my heart filled with utter joy and contentment.

Today, my cousin David was buried. David, bigger than life, a man who lived every minute of his life with absolute gusto and enthusiasm. To him, a big family gathering was the norm, whether it be at the house or on a camping trip or a vacation or just being with family. When David was at the party, you knew you were going to be laughing. My dad would say he was “full of the devil.” What a great storyteller he was, too, adding just a little embellishment to make the story even better. He reminded me of Dean Martin when he smiled, his eyes disappearing into starry twinkles at the corners, his dimples dotting his happy smile. He adored his beautiful wife, Linda; it was written all over his face when he looked at her. David was so full of life, that I think it makes his absence from this world even more apparent. He was a semi-truck driver and he was killed last Thursday in a tragic multi-vehicle accident. His sudden and unexpected loss has stunned the family.

We all got together on Saturday, seeing family that I hadn’t seen in years, meeting family that I hadn’t yet met, being with other family that I see more often, too. It’s always good to gather together with family, even under these circumstances. Normally, everyone has their lives, their day-to-day family and friends, but everything stops when something like this happens. We cancel our plans, we make calls, we get together and cry and hold one another, and we also share stories and laugh, because that’s what families do. The rosary and vigil was last night and it was wonderful to hear the tributes, everyone nodding in recognition as people remembered my cousin, his generosity, wonderful spirit and great stories.

This is all part of the journey, being with people, sharing happy times, comforting one another in loss. I’m sometimes tempted not to accept invitations to events or gatherings, to put off getting together for another time, being too busy, having too much to do to make time for others. I’m quite content with my own company, but I also love to be with those I care about. I have to remember that we’re all temporary. I have to say Yes more often, Yes to those good times, Yes to laughter and stories … and I’ll take time to experience and enjoy that wonderful sense of deep peace and contentment that comes from being with good people, people I love. I am so grateful for their footprints on my own life journey.

namaste

Happy children make for happy moms

2010-05-09T17:38:00.001-07:00

The saying goes “If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” As a mom (and Nana), what makes me happy is knowing that my daughter is happy and that my granddaughters are happy. The greatest delights of my life as a mom are seeing and sharing in those moments of pure joy for my daughter. I’d get goose-bumpy with all-over happiness listening to her tinkly peals of laughter while playing with her baby toes. I’d grin from my face to my heart seing her happy surprise the first time she rode a bike, or rode a wave. And through tears, I’ve soared with abundant gratitude witnessing her happy glow as she walked down the aisle to marry the man she loved, or sharing in her experience of becoming a new mom.

Moms aren’t happy when their children aren’t happy. We worry, we become the protective mama bear, we want to fix it and make it better. If mama’s babies ain’t happy, mama ain’t happy. (And they’re always our babies, no matter how grown-up they get.)

Happy children make for happy moms, and I feel so richly blessed that my daughter is happy, with a good life, good husband and wonderful daughters, who are such happy, sparkling little girls. She’s a wonderful young woman. I am a very happy mom. Thank you, God. And thank you again, God. I am so so very grateful. And happy. Did I mention that I’m a very happy mom?

Wishing all moms (and those who mother) the rich blessings of happiness with your own children.

And now, a very funny video moms can really appreciate:

choosing happy …

2010-04-25T23:19:00.001-07:00

It’s been awhile since I’ve had time to sit and write. Apologies. I miss it when I don’t write. All these thoughts, discoveries, questions, ponderings buzzing around inside my head always want to get out and usually end up on notes here and there until I can find time. I have endless notes in random places, so have plenty of material from all my navel-gazing, but the time to write seems to elude me. Glad to be here for a quick post. Hope to get back to reading my favorite blogs more regularly, too.

Once again, life is changing … in a really good way! Background: I was unemployed for nine months last year after being laid off. A wonderful period of rejuvenation, wonder, happiness and walks. Then I started a new job in December. Within the first week, I knew it wasn’t the right fit, either professionally or personally. Professionally, because I was hired as an Interactive Project Manager, and the company did not have an interactive group, nor did they practice project management. Personally, because it was a very toxic environment for anyone with any kind of sensitivity, which would mean most people. A lot of agitation, aggressiveness, finger-pointing, accusation … a negative and hostile work situation. It physically hurt to work there.

I applied and interviewed for several months while continuing to work at the company. Then a few weeks ago, someone from my previous company (the one that had laid me off last year), contacted me regarding an opportunity there. It would be in a different department and the pay would be less than I’d made there previously (but more than I was currently making). Basically, both the title and the pay would be lower than before.

I gave it a lot of thought. My job search the past few months was entirely targeted toward interactive project management, but this opportunity was in quality assurance, and I would not hold a manager title, for the first time in many, many years. In three other companies, I’d been a QA Manager, establishing the discipline for each company and growing the department, before I became an interactive project manager.

Did I want to move from a manager role to an analyst role? Did I want to abandon my search for an interactive project manager role? Did I want to return to my former company in a different capacity, with different responsibilities?

When I asked my daughter for her thoughts, she simply asked: “Mom, what would make you happy?”

What would make me happy? Doing work that I do well, working with people I enjoy, being successful in my efforts, being in a good, supportive company, going home at the end of the day feeling happy and satisfied. Those are the types of things that make me happy. Feeling that I’ve contributed and done the best job I can do. Feeling that I'm in a place where I can thrive, professionally and personally. Pay, title—those aren’t things that drive me to excel and achieve. Nice to have, but not important to the health and wholeness of my spirit. In fact, when I really thought about it, pay and title are more about my ego than they are about happiness. And I’ve been really working the past few years on learning to release ego. Maybe that’s why this opportunity was presented to me at this time, to help me in my journey, to help me be less prideful and less egotistical? Maybe the lesson here is to learn what choices will simply make me happy?

“Mom, what would make you happy?” I stopped thinking (ego) and started feeling (spirit). When I thought about going back to my previous company, I felt physically light and happy; right with the world. There was a lift to my spirit and a smile in my heart. What more did I need? Every experience has value and helps us along our journey here and there was a reason that I had to spend time at the “toxic” company. I’m exceedingly happy to report that I’m starting my new job at my old company in a different role tomorrow morning. I chose happy!

easter 2010

2010-04-03T23:17:00.000-07:00

Alleluia! He is risen!

Wishing you a most blessed Easter! May this be a day of reflection on what the Easter message means in each of our lives.

May you honor the sacred in each moment of your day,
in each breath that you take,
in every beautiful moment you experience.

The Lord is with us. The Divine is with us. The Sacred is with us. Peace be with you.

I invite you to read my post from Easter 2008:

http://roseeliff.blogspot.com/search?q=easter

choosing …

2010-03-28T18:14:00.001-07:00

“Thanks; I don’t drink. But I’ve brought my own tea.” (Big smile)

I’ve come to realize that making that statement of personal choice makes me feel strong and empowered. Any time that I make a statement or a choice that I feel is truly right for me at that moment—even if it’s contrary to what others may be doing—I feel that I’m standing within my more genuine self.

When I was younger, it was important to fit in with the “tribe” and be accepted. It’s probably a primal thing; at one time, being in a tribe provided safety, companionship, sharing, common bonds. One would assimilate into the operative norms of the tribe; to be cast out from it could mean danger, deprivation, loneliness, perhaps death.

So, like most of us, I adopted many of the behaviors of those around me. I adopted a sort of pseudo-self, one who went along with what most of my friends at the time did. I had 70s hair – like my friends. I got married shortly after high school – like my friends. In my 30s, I used to drink wine on occasion – like my friends.

Even decor-wise, I went along with the crowd for awhile. When I bought my home, the French Country look was big and really appealed to me, and so I painted the walls to look aged, used FC colors and patterns, bought FC accessories. It was all quite lovely; I enjoyed it, friends enjoyed it. It was pretty, comfortable, cozy.

After awhile, though, I realized that it wasn’t really me … and I painted the walls aqua, painted the trim crisp white, and added accents in chocolate and fresh green. I simplified accessories, made everything less busy and fussy, pared it all down. And I absolutely, totally love it. Simpler is better suited to my genuine self at this time.

As the years pass, I find myself releasing that pseudo-self more and asking my genuine self what it is that *I* like, what is it that *I* enjoy personally.

It’s pretty similar to when I was first divorced. I was so used to buying products and foods that we both agreed on as a couple (compromise is part of being a couple), that I had to consciously learn to buy products that I personally preferred because I didn’t have to share them with anyone else but my daughter.

I don’t abstain from alcohol for any moral or judgmental reason, for example. I have no problem with others drinking responsibly. Quite simply, I’ve just never really liked the way it affects me. I used to drink on occasion, but was never into it; I didn’t feel like me. My genuine self eventually realized that I just drank to be socially accepted in the crowd. My daughter used to laugh at me, though, because I’d nurse the same beer for an entire party – never fooled her!

I try to make more conscious decisions about my choices these days. What do *I* like? For beverages, I like tea. Preferably Yogi Tea Egyptian Licorice tea. Oh, sooooo good! If not that, then Good Earth Sweet & Spicy Tea. I’ve never tried chai tea, which seems to be quite popular. Being popular isn’t a reason for me to try things any longer, though. I love that my good friends all respect my choice to not drink alcohol. At a gathering recently, someone asked if I wanted a beer and my good buddy Chris told them, no, Rose drinks tea. Made me smile.

I find that I don’t follow the crowd like I used to, but try to find my own way more these days. I try to tap into my genuine self and define what is suitable for me. Hmmm … a nice cup of tea sounds so good right now …

Namaste

on acceptance …

2010-03-21T21:51:00.001-07:00

“Receive what you are given.”

One of my yoga teachers, Peter, always had a way of saying things that resonated strongly with me. This was one of them, the idea of acceptance, of receiving both the good and the bad. I’ve meditated on this concept many, many times, unearthing its layers and meanings for my life. I use it several times a week to help guide me and my spirit with grace.

At my granddaughter’s softball game on Saturday, one of the parents complained to the coach that they’d only had one week to sell their fundraising items. The coach, of course, could do nothing about this, which the woman even acknowledged, but she went ahead and complained anyway. I thought it was pointless and felt that they were given a week; do the best that you can with it. And then contact the board and see how you can help next year to provide more time for fundraising. Complaining doesn’t change anything. The coach (who agreed with her) asked if anyone had had a chance to sell anything. My daughter said yes, she had. How much? he asked. “$180. And M (another mother) also sold $180.” Such a contrast: two mothers who received what they were given and moved with it in grace, doing what they could. Another mother who got aggravated and became immobilized in her aggravation as a result.

I’ve always said that if you become stuck in traffic, you have two choices: You can either get angry, honk your horn and yell at other drivers … or you can turn on the radio and sing. (Guess which one I am – lol!)

Yesterday morning, I had an appointment for my 2002 Civic’s 110,000 mile service. It has 132,000 miles but I couldn’t get the service (over $1000; timing belt and other major service) done previously when I was unemployed so I was happy I was finally going to get it done. As I headed out to my appointment, I immediately knew something was wrong: I had a flat. I drove the few houses back home and called the auto club. Problem :: solution. No getting angry or upset. Identify the problem; determine the solution. Receive what you are given. Deal with it. Get it handled. (I was immensely grateful that I didn’t get the flat when I was driving the 50 miles to my daughter’s home on a busy freeway. A grace.) A nice young man came out, replaced the flat with the temporary spare, I gave him a tip and went to the dealership.

At the dealership, we examined the tires and determined that I really needed to get all four tires replaced, but I could get by with doing two now and doing the other two at my next service. I also had a headlight that had been out for a month and needed to be replaced. Since it would be a few hours, I took the shuttle home. A couple of hours later, I got a call: the front brake rotors were below minimum and should be replaced. I could just replace the pads for now, though, and do the rotors at my next service. (Let me say here that I absolutely trust my service tech. He’s a great guy, I’ve known him for eight years and I trust him.) One of the suspension bushings was also broken and needed to be replaced. I knew the car had been riding really roughly and had meant to mention this when I brought the car in; now I knew why.

Even with a 5% discount on parts and service, the final total was $1800. I had all new belts, two new tires, new timing belt and tensioner, all new fluids, tire alignment, new headlight, new suspension bushing, new front brake pads … a complete service, head to toe, plus a very nice car wash to boot. It was more money than I’d planned for, but it is what it is. I haven’t had a car payment for six years and I plan on hanging on to my Civic while I save for a new one, so I need to have it well-maintained and safe to drive. I could complain and be upset at the expense, but it doesn’t change anything. I feel that I’m fortunate the tire went flat when it did, I’m fortunate the brakes are better, I’m fortunate the suspension is much better. Receive what you are given. I’ve been given an $1800 bill but I’ve also been given a safe, well-running car. Money well spent.

Namaste

PS. Thank you to those of you who dropped me notes to check that I was OK since I hadn't posted in a couple of weeks. I really appreciate your thoughtfulness! The new job is an 11-hour day with commute, so it doesn't leave me the time I'd like for reading my favorite blogs and for writing. Hoping that something shifts so I can have a bit more time. Thanks!

To those touched by sorrow …

2010-02-27T21:03:00.001-08:00

Being the Pollyanna that I am (“let’s play the Glad Game!”), I simply don’t understand the depth of despair and darkness that one must be in to take one’s own life. What a horrible place to be in! Without hope that things will ever get better, in such mortal pain that even knowing that others will be enormously hurt by the act of suicide doesn’t dissuade the person from ending his or her life.

What makes the people of Haiti—many pulled from the rubble, many with amputated limbs, many with no homes or businesses to go to—what makes the Haitians able to continue to struggle on, even to sing as it’s been reported? What makes the Amish families who lost their daughters in a heartless massacre capable of not only coping, but to find forgiveness in their hearts and move on through the pain? What makes any of us reach the depths of despair … yet still trust that things will change, that we won’t always be in this dark place, that even in the worst of circumstances, there is still hope?

And yet others who appear to be in less dire circumstances (emphasizing appear) are incapable of coping and making it through to the next minute. What makes one person resilient and another person fall apart? If we only knew.

I can only sense that it must be beyond any pain that I can possibly imagine, a place where a person feels they have no other option left. My prayers go out to the Osmond and Koenig families as their hearts cry in sorrow for their losses. May grace and peace touch their hearts during this time.

It was 20 years ago …

2010-02-23T00:20:00.001-08:00

On February 24, 1990, Mom’s physical body died of a massive heart attack, releasing her spiritual self fully, no longer tethered and limited by the physical needs and limitations of a flesh -and-blood body. It’s hard to imagine what that moment of release must be like, but I sense that it’s a glorious and wonderful moment of immense joy and love. I hope it was—and is—that way for Mom and for all our loved ones who have loosed their earthly bonds and transcended the physical world.

There are those who believe this physical life is all there is and there’s nothing after the body dies. That’s their personal truth. My personal truth is what C. S. Lewis wrote:

“You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.”

It occurred to me earlier that when Mom was alive, our relationship was with both of us in physical form; pretty easy to communicate. Currently, one of us is in a physical body and one of us purely spiritual energy; more challenging to communicate. Eventually, our relationship will be with both of us in purely spiritual form; this will probably be the easiest to communicate, with no egos involved, just pure love. That will be pretty incredible, assuming that I have any of this right at all. It’s just something I got a sense of earlier and it seemed like an interesting thought to consider.

Senses – For those who are sensitive to such things, have you ever noticed that sometimes a scent, or a taste, or a touch of breeze can suddenly bring to mind someone who has crossed over? For me, it’s often through my senses that I get a sense of a loved one’s presence. Sometimes, though, there’s no obvious trigger that causes me to sense someone. I’ll be doing something random and my Tia will pop into my head and cause me to smile, sensing her love and maybe smelling her tortillas on the stove. On Saturday, one of my little cousins was wearing a dress with a bow in back and I sensed my Tio Luis and remembered—as if it was happening in present time—how I always preferred that he tie the bow on my dress as a little girl. His brown workman’s fingers were gnarled and twisted; that’s just the way I always knew them, even when he was playing piano. I didn’t know what arthritis was and never really gave a thought as to why his fingers were like that. But with those crooked, bent fingers he’d take his time and tie a big, full, absolutely perfectly straight bow on my dress. Gorgeous!

I took flowers to the cemetery on Sunday to honor my mom and the anniversary of her passage. A lot of people don’t like cemeteries; many say we should bring flowers while our loved ones are still alive. I did bring Mom flowers, and other gifts, too, during her world life. (I read that the Sufis distinguish between “world life” and “soul life.”) One of the first gifts I chose and bought for her was a small plastic statue of the Virgin bought from the religious goods store after catechism one Saturday morning. In my mind, I can still see it on the windowsill where it sat for years and years. Over time, we used to buy one another “for no reason” gifts; I’d see a vase I think she’d like, she’d see a sweater perfect for me. (She was always trying to get me to wear a sweater.)

Since she’s living her soul life, though, I can’t buy her a Mother’s Day card or a vase or a pair of earrings. (What use would she have for these anyway?) But I can honor her by taking flowers to the place where we buried the body she used to hold me, to kiss me, to care for me and for all she loved. And I can sit in the sun, scrubbing her headstone with love and respect, spraying it with polish and rubbing and rubbing until the stone is gleaming. I can clear out the overgrown grass and leaves, put fresh water in the container and trim the flower stems to fit. I can kneel and pray and thank her for her presence in my life, for the way she taught me about the Divine and about love, and good times with family and friends. I can let the sun warm my skin … and I can sense her presence when I feel the breeze unexpectedly growing stronger and running through my hair as I kneel and pray—a caress from my mom, my beloved mom. My heart fills with love.

Shower the people you love with love!

2010-02-14T19:36:00.001-08:00

Shower the people you love with love.
Show them the way you feel.

Ahhhh … James Taylor, telling it like it is. And it doesn’t apply to only romantic relationships; in all our relationships – family, friends – we should be able to tell those we love that we love them, to be able to share with them how much their presence means in our lives. Rain down the love, people!

As my granddaughter Jasmine wrote when she was about 7:

Love, love
I love to love
My heart goes with me
So I can love
Yes it is true
Because I love you!

There is powerful energy in love, an energy that spreads beyond the people who are sharing in that love. (I read recently that committed couples actually improve the conditions of their entire community – government, schools. churches, retailers - and are a stabilizing factor in it.) I believe that when two people love, their love energy is magnified and spreads beyond their relationship, like happy colorful balloons floating gently out into the world.

Singles (like me) exude a powerful love energy, too, and we love with as much intensity and passion and strength as couples do, but couples—through their intensely personal commitment to be a life partner to another person, to be an involved witness to that person’s life—have an additional capacity to multiply the energy of love for all the world. I love the line from “Shall We Dance”:

“You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'."

That is a profound responsibility for one person to take on for another. Wow. There is power and strength in that kind of love for another. I admire people who have found that one person who makes them “zing!” enough for them to want to take on that responsibility, for better or worse, for ever and ever. And I thank people who have found that and made that commitment because we all benefit from it.

So thank you, couples! And even as a single, I will always, always make sure to shower the people I love with love. The more love energy we all put into the world, I believe, the more love there is to counteract the hate and violence of some. Let the love rain down!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ** * *

Tomorrow’s my birthday! I love birthdays and being able to celebrate another year of living a wonderful, blessed life. I am abundantly grateful for my mind, my circumstances, the people in my life, the opportunities, the beauty that each day affords.

Last February 15, I wrote the following on the blog:

Thank you, dear friends. You remind me of all the various parts and history of who I am and who I have been. Each of you holds a different piece. I am abundantly grateful to have you share some part of my life's journey with me. How happy you make me!

Still so true this year, too. Thank you for your presence!

Namaste

My Super Bowl Sunday

2010-02-08T00:53:00.001-08:00

Don’t you love that title? LOL! Sounds like something a third-grader would title a writing assignment, doesn’t it?

I feel like I’ve been so absent here; seems that I haven’t written in quite awhile. I really miss visiting my favorite blogs, too. My new job starts much earlier than my previous jobs did (and still ends as late), so I don’t really have any computer time until the evening. Even then, several nights a week I’m not home until 10pm or later due to yoga classes or visiting my daughter 50 miles away. Weekends are busy with cleaning, groceries, gardening, errands, home maintenance, emails, phone calls, etc. Time flies …

I’m really appreciating that I had the time previously to spend time enjoying others’ blogs, reading their thoughts, their ideas, learning new ways of looking at things. I started Jan’s Meditation Challenge with the best of intentions, but haven’t been able to do it daily. I don’t beat myself up over it; I spend time when I can and honor the practice when I do it. I am going to find a way to get back to reading and enjoying my favorite blogs again. Just have to adjust to the new rhythm and move things in my life around a bit.

Did you have a good Super Bowl Sunday? I’m not into football but I love Super Bowl Sunday because it’s a great day to run around and do errands without the usual weekend customers. Love it. Went to a movie this morning, Up in the Air. Really enjoyed the majority of it. I related very much to George Clooney’s character in the first 95% of the movie; I live very much like that, free to do what I’d like most times, relatively unemcumbered, living life according to my own rhythms, utterly content and thoroughly happy.

Later I ran errands at several stores and enjoyed the light customer traffic and the extra attention the associates could provide in helping me find items. In the afternoon, I met my goddaughter and her mom for mani/pedis. Again, few customers, and the associates were extra-attentive; very relaxing, very enjoyable and my toes and fingers are a happy shade of poppy pink!

I went to a department store to return a blouse and the store was nearly a ghost town. I enjoyed a nice chat with the returns guy and then leisurely took my time browsing through clothes and jewelry.

Time for mass: Wow! Where was everyone? Parking was easy; I got a spot close by instead of out in the field. The church was maybe half-full; usually seating is all taken, and there are a number of people standing in the back. It was really nice and I enjoyed the extra personal experience of participating with a smaller group of people.

It was a smiling-all-day kind of day. I enjoyed every experience of the day, from popcorn to communion. I just spent a little computer time helping one friend with a QA test plan and another with her resume. I plan to spend some very enjoyable time visiting my blog friends this week and catching up. But now it’s very late and morning comes much too early!

Good night!

Owning the journey …

2010-01-25T00:33:00.001-08:00

“I need to talk to you.”

“Can I come over?”

“I need to be in your space.”

I imagine we all get those calls from time to time. A friend who needs an ear, a troubled soul who needs a hand in sorting it all out, a hurting friend who needs a hug.

A good friend called me and said I was the only person he could talk to. He said that I was the most grounded person he knew; “wise” he said.

In my younger years, that would have inflated my ego and I would’ve puffed up thinking that, with my help, my friend’s problems would be solved. Thankfully, getting older also includes getting wiser (I hope!) and releasing that puffy old ego more and more with each passing year. I was touched that he reached out to me, but I know that I can’t solve anyone’s problems.

I can listen, though. I believe I’m a good listener. I’ve even taught workshops on “Active Listening” as part of a previous job. I’ve probably mentioned that I had speech problems as a kid, often so embarrassed that I just tried not to talk much. So I listened. I looked a person in the eye, moved my body to face him or her, and listened attentively with my whole body and mind. I’d note the inflection of speech, the body language, the facial expressions; all deeper clues to what the person was trying to convey than the actual words they were saying. (Speech therapy classes taught me some of these skills.) Even before I knew the expression, I knew how to be fully present to another.

I don’t usually give advice, though, even when the inevitable “but what shall I do?” is asked. (It would probably be my own ego talking.) I’ll share my own thoughts and experiences, but I really make an effort not to tell the other person what I think they should do. Instead, I’ll ask questions (speaking to their higher self) to help the person consider their options in a healthy, constructive way and determine their own next move.

Each person owns their own journey. I constantly remind myself of that. I can listen, I can hold a hand, I can hug or cry or laugh; I can share and encourage further thinking. But I can’t own another person’s journey or solve their problems. Each of us owns our own journey. No one else is responsible for solving our personal problems. No one else is responsible for making us happy. Each time I get that “I need to talk to you” call, I remind myself: Each of us owns our own journey – and I try to get my self out of the way so I can be fully present for the person calling.

I am praying for my friend, praying that his talking/my listening helped him in thinking through some things. I pray that his journey improves and that his heart and spirit move into a healthier and happier place. It’s up to him. I wish him happiness and lightness of spirit.

Namaste

A bit of creativity with stuff on hand

2010-01-11T00:10:00.001-08:00

View from the pier, Christmas Eve 2009

After 9 months of being home and having all the time in the world to do whatever I needed to do, I need to work on my time management skills now that I’m working again – lol! The week and the weekend really got away from me so this will just have to be a quick post and I’ll try to carve out a bit more time next weekend.

With a tiny Christmas budget for 2009, I had to get the ol’ creative juices churning and figure out what kind of gifts that I could create myself that would be (1) pleasing to the giftee, (2) inexpensive to make, and (3) would be something I could do fairly well. (Sewing projects would be out of the question. Yes, I have a sewing machine. In a closet. In a box … that’s never been opened.)

Quite fortunately, I had several different frames on hand that I’d collected for other “one-day-when-I-have-time” projects. Ah ha! [Insert lightbulb icon here.] So each of my brothers got a framed pic of us all together on Dad’s 80th birthday. Dad got a pic, too. I also had a small photo book printed for Dad with family pics, juxtaposing certain pics for effect: a 70s family portrait on the same page as a more recent family pic; Dad walking me up the aisle next to a pic of Dad walking my daughter, Amber, up the aisle. I tried to put some real thought into the pics I selected. I think he really liked it, cuz he kept saying things like “Oh, would you look at that.” and other Dad-like expressions that indicate he likes something. Dad isn’t an effusive type, but his comments assured me he was happy. In fact, he went through it at least three times while we were together. [Insert my smile here.]

I also had a photo book printed for my daughter and son-in-law of our vacation to Mexico in June. It was fun to see them all going through it, laughing at sunburns and remembrances of the fun we had. And one of the frames I so fortunately had on hand had 4 inserts so I put in some of our Mexico pics plus a very cute pic of the girls taken recently .

In addition to frames, I also had two shadowboxes on hand, bought years ago with the intent to make something cool for the girls. Now was the time! Still staying with the Mexico theme, I made a shadowbox for each of them with different colors and stickers, some flowers and shells (some that their mom and I’d collected over the years) and one of my favorite pics from our trip: a rear-view of Jas and Bri in their swimsuits, walking across a footbridge, with their arms around one another, carefree and happy. I was really hoping they’d like them; I wanted to make these nice and memorable for them.

On Christmas morning, I watched Jas’ face closely as she began to open her shadowbox: her smile got bigger and then bigger and then spread like sunshine all over as she opened it. Bam! She looked so darned happy! [Insert my smile here, too.] She loved the picture and she loved how I decorated the boxes. Yay! Bri loved hers, too, but Jas had the biggest reaction.

In yet another very fortunate stroke of good luck, Jas asked for a painting by me for Christmas and it so happened that I had an extra blank canvas already in the closet. Inspired by a painting I’d found on an art site, I painted a light, happy floral for her:

With a mix of creativity, some things on hand and a desire to do something special for those I love, I managed to stay within budget and had a lot of fun making and creating memorable gifts for my family. A very happy Christmas!

morning peace

2010-01-01T08:58:00.001-08:00

shanti shanti shanti

peace peace peace

I slowly sense that I am awakening, still straddling that space between sleep and awareness, gently transitioning into a more conscious state.

Eyes still closed, I sense the early morning darkness in the room.

Eyes still closed, I slowly become aware of the sound … and a smile spreads across my heart and across my face. My breathing slows back into a gentle rhythm, my body relaxes in the warmth of my bed.

The sound … like the soft roar of a jet passing overhead.

The sound … saturating the quiet of the morning, softly, insistently.

A gentle, soft din the only sound this early morning as the day slowly awakens—as I slowly awaken—smiling inside and out. The occasional light crack (or is it more like a boom?) like far-away thunder.

The ocean, the ocean. I lie in bed, warm and at ease, eyes still closed, listening to the soft roar of the mighty Pacific Ocean, a gentle, ambient sound; rhythmic, like my breathing, as I remain relaxed, eyes closed.

Wanting more, I rise and open the window, then ease back into my bed and close my eyes again, hearing the ocean more clearly now, feeling it within me like life-giving breath, spreading a warmth of love and peace. A good start …

sparkling reflections …

2009-12-30T00:02:00.001-08:00

With the holidays and a new job, I haven’t had a chance to post here recently. I hope to do a proper post on Thursday after work.

In the meantime, I took a look at last year’s New Year’s post and thought there might be some things you might enjoy from it:

http://roseeliff.blogspot.com/2008/12/om-shanti-peace-and-all-good-for-2009.html

A small sample of thoughts from that post:

See the Divine in all things.
Be comfortable with the chaos.
Practice aparigraha/non-attachment - letting go, releasing, non-clinging, without fear of loss or change. "...the yogi makes his life as simple as possible and trains his mind not to feel the loss or the lack of anything. Then everything he really needs will come to him by itself at the proper time." (B.K.S. Iyengar) Also Matthew 6:25-34.
Worrying about tomorrow squanders the joy of today.
Don't give energy to anything that you don't want to manifest in your life.
Remember that the world sparkles and dances with the Light of the Divine. We all carry that Light within.
Have a sense of wonder! Be ready to be surprised.

2009 manifested some chaos in my life, with which I learned to live quite comfortably. I learned to let go, to not fear, to not worry or feel loss. To trust in the Divine and believe that I would land where I was supposed to land. I tried not to squander the day, but to manifest joy in each day fully, taking walks each morning, making new friends, spending time in pursuits that I wouldn’t have been able to do if I’d been working. I lived in joy, seeing the sparkle and dancing with the rhythm of each day. I went to Mexico with my family and loved it. I wondered and was surprised. I was in a peaceful, gentle place this past year, and very happy that I’d set the tone in that last blog post of 2009. I hope I continue to carry these lessons moving forward into the new year.

Namaste

Winter Solstice, New Beginnings

2009-12-20T22:55:00.001-08:00

“ … I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.” Phil. 4: 11-12

“Never be in a hurry; do everything quietly and in a calm spirit. Do not lose your inner peace for anything whatsoever.” ~ St. Francis De Sales

~ ~ ~

December 21^st is the Winter Solstice. It is the shortest day and the longest night of the year here in the Western Hemisphere. From December 22^nd until summer, the days slowly increase in length and in light, until the sun’s zenith on June 21^st, the Summer Solstice.

Tomorrow is a special day to honor new beginnings and a point of change in the rhythms of nature.

Tomorrow is also the day that I start a new beginning: I start a new job tomorrow.

I’m very happy to be starting on this next part of my life journey. And yet, there is a part of me that is reluctant to let go of these gentle days, spinning on their own time. Yes, I want to work and earn my own way again, but I also want to be very careful not to lose the lessons and growth of the last nine months. This time has been wonderful, moving with the natural rhythms of each day, walking every morning, out in the fresh air and sunshine, saying hello to others out, too. There will be many things that I will miss as I begin to move to a new rhythm.

But it’s time to do so, to move forward in a new direction. I will meet new people, learn a new job, contribute the value of my experience and work. And getting a paycheck will be nice and will help me rebuild my savings account again, and provide greater ease for me financially. I’m looking forward … and I’m cherishing what has passed. I do pray that the gentle lessons are now part of my being and that I don’t return to previous unhealthy work patterns. I’ll find a walking route to take on lunch breaks so I can be out in the air and sunshine. I will remember to honor the sacred in each day and in each moment. I will be content and have a calm spirit.

I hope you all have a wonderful Winter Solstice day!

A little bit of sparkle …

2009-12-13T18:32:00.001-08:00

Growing up, I always looked forward to getting our Christmas tree and setting it up. We didn’t do much other holiday decor; the tree was magnificent on its own, sometimes with a train going round the base and among the pile of presents gathered there. At my Tio and Tia’s house, my Tio created magical little buildings by hand from cardboard with doors and windows, the windows covered with a type of glassine for sparkle, and cotton for snow. As a single parent, the tree my daughter and I set up glowed in gold and crystal with lots of little white lights. I loved those lights because they tinkled softly as they blinked on and off. With her on my lap and my arms wrapped around my precious daughter, we’d have all the other lights off and just gaze at the tree together in the quiet of Christmas … tink … tink … tink …

For holiday decorating, I still prefer simple displays, just a little bit of sparkle, enough to mark the season, but not so much as to distract me from the focus of Advent. I haven’t had a tree in years; I’m allergic to real ones and even a fake one is more work than I care to do, rearranging furniture, moving things around. Instead, I just do a few simple displays.

The first to go up at the beginning of Advent: the manger and my advent candles. The manger’s on the new etagere this year, with tiny lights to light it. As always, the angel hanging above falls if nudged even a little. Christmas tradition.

Instead of an Advent wreath, I gather the appropriately colored candles (three purple, one rose, one white) and place them on an oval glass tray with a bit of greenery, some sparkly ribbon, beads, gold ornaments and crystal gems. (Photo is from the 2nd Sunday in Advent last week.)

Those are the two most important displays for me. Everything else is just for a bit of sparkle. Lights on the etagere, garland and lights on the staircase, a glass bowl of rocks and shells to which I’ve added some ornaments and beads.

A simple, peaceful Advent as I await the celebration of the birth of a Savior.

Peace and goodness to you and yours.

Filled with Christmas Spirit!

2009-12-04T15:23:00.001-08:00

I am so filled with Christmas spirit I can hardly stand myself! I have no decor up yet, no baking done, no presents wrapped - and I'm filled with happy, exciting Christmas spirit from head to toe! Christmas is truly in the heart. (All that other stuff is optional.)

I love Christmas, yes I do! I love Christmas, how 'bout you?

Do you love Christmas music? I love to listen to it, dancing joyfully in my living room.

Here’s my Pandora Christmas music station, if you’d like to have a listen: http://www.pandora.com/?ext_lsfi=sw57244878987972132#/stations/play/sw57244878987972132

I love to play my favorite carols and music on my piano, lost in an afternoon of happiness. When I was a girl, my family would all gather around the piano and sing. Oh, what joy it would be to hear my mother’s voice for real instead of just in my heart when I play now! One brother and I would take alternating parts for Good King Wenceslas. When we gather at his and my sister-in-law’s house nowadays for Christmas, I play the piano in their home while the rest of the crowd is gathered in the family room and kitchen, providing background music for the celebration.

Christmas is about celebration, the celebration of the Gift, and the love of the Divine for each of us. I feel that sense of celebration in every fiber of my being these days! Happy, joy-filled, dancing in my heart and in my feet, my fingers dancing across the keys of the piano, my voice lifted in song. I love Christmas!

Silently soaring

2009-11-26T15:58:00.001-08:00

It was a gorgeous clear day as I was out for my morning walk last week. Blue skies, warm weather, soft ocean breeze. I was in a great mood, happy to be out and enjoying the day. Everything seemed to be sparkling and vibrating with a positive energy.

As I was nearing the end of my route, I saw a hawk soaring in the sky, a few blocks away and to the right of me. I slowed down my pace to watch it in the distance … wings extended w-i-d-e … utterly effortless … soaring on the air currents.

Dipping one wing ever so slightly, the hawk made slow, lazy circles against the blue sky. One circle, two circles … no flapping of wings, just circling with absolutely no effort of any kind. Is anything in life as utterly effortless as that hawk soaring up there? I thought. Straightening out, the hawk lifted a little higher in the sky and began riding the air currents in my direction.

I was captivated by the peace and grandeur of this majestic bird. As I watched, I imagined what it would be like to be that hawk. Simply opening my arms/wings wide – opening up my heart and spirit - and soaring … soaring … completely unfettered, utterly free … no anchor binding me to earth, trusting that the air currents would support my journey … not making the slightest effort, no flap of wings, no sense of urgency. Nothing to do, nothing to undo. Just be. How peaceful it would be to soar like that, up in the silent sky above.

In an interview recently, the interviewer asked me what I’ve been doing since I was laid off in March. I gave an answer, but later I thought about it more. What have I been doing?

I’ve experienced the peace and beauty of a hawk soaring in the heavens.

I’ve laughed at the squirrels scampering along the lawn or at an industrious one hurrying up a tree with a peanut safely in its mouth.

I’ve made friends along my walking route: Jan and her Corgi, Penny Lane; John and his grandson; Geri who had shoulder surgery; the young couple who rescue and foster big dogs; the older couple who foster Great Pyrenees.

I’ve sat outside in the summer, enjoying my garden and the golden sunshine.

When a friend was in the hospital for lung surgery I went to visit her.

When my granddaughters had dentist appointments, I took them.

On Veterans Day, I went to Pier Plaza for a very moving ceremony.

When my old high school friend, June, came out to California to visit, we spent an afternoon at the beach catching up and laughing and crying as we shared our life experiences.

I took my family for a wonderful vacation in Mexico on the Mayan Riviera. And there were no worries about all the work I’d have to come back to.

I’ve fostered a wonderful, perfect dog named Snowbell that I fell in love with.

I’ve tackled long-delayed chores, giving the garden a thorough clean-up, painting the bathroom, painting and re-organizing my office (still in progress).

I’ve walked every day in the sunshine, firming up my legs and hips, strengthening my back, my skin brown from the sun, losing 15lbs. so far.

And this last week, I spent time with my son-in-law in the hospital, giving him massages to help with the nausea, spending time with him as his doctors found the cause of his illness and helped him to regain his health.

What have I been doing since I’ve been laid off? I’ve been grateful for the many wonderful and beautiful opportunities I’ve been given, so many things I wouldn’t have been able to do while working. I’ve slowed down, smelled the roses, walked in the sunshine.

I’ve opened my arms wide and I’ve soared.

Namaste

dancing in the mirror …

2009-11-14T17:52:00.001-08:00

This morning as I laid in bed, still in that beautiful, open, in-between space between sleep and wakefulness, my mom was suddenly and surprisingly on my mind. I instinctively started saying over and over "I love you. I love you. I love you." As love filled that golden space between, I sensed her as a young woman – so pretty! - dancing in front of a mirror. The image was so clear: She wore a long, creamy movie-star-style dressing gown, swaying prettily in front of a full-length mirror, a glimpse of leg peeking out from the dressing gown as she moved and danced. The energy of it was just so beautiful and I felt so filled with love between us.

I get these mind/heart images or thoughts or energies about her from time to time, and they’re usually from before I knew her, not as I knew her after I was born. It’s as if she's telling me more of her story, the parts that I wasn’t here for yet, as if she wants me to know who she was here outside of her narrow definition to me as “Mom.”

You should know that Mom was a champion swing dancer, winning many contests with one of her brothers as her partner. Oh, she loved to dance! Seeing her moving in front of that mirror as a young woman this morning seemed so natural, exactly as I would imagine her doing at that age.

As I said, these sensations occur from time to time, and usually not in that in-between time in the morning. I’ve had sensations when I’m doing something completely random - maybe cooking, or shopping, or seeing something interesting on a walk or while driving – and there’ll she’ll be in my heart/mind, her energy of love so instantly recognizable. I’ll feel a sense of how she experienced something very similar to what I’m doing in that moment, how she experienced life when she was pre-wife and pre-mom; I’ll get a sense of her wonder or her delight or her surprise at these things.

Crazy? Odd? Maybe. I don’t sit around and mope about her being gone; I know and trust that she is in a place of utter love and beauty and is purely, abundantly happy. So, I don’t think I’m manufacturing these sensations from a sense of loss. I don’t know. The energy seems to come to me unbidden, in the most random of circumstances.

It’s interesting to me that she chooses to show me her story. They’re not messages of guidance to help me on my own journey or warnings of some future event. They’re more like a sense of knowingness in my heart/mind, very sweet, very comfortable, very wonderful. I smile when they happen and say to myself “Oh! I see! Thank you” and I feel that I know more of her story through her own energy.

I think it’s wonderful that she’s done this for me from time to time. We’re here so briefly; in a couple of generations, the small details of our stories – favorite flavor of ice cream, our first kiss, our delight at a specific smell – will be lost. There will be no one left to tell our stories. And I’m fine with that. This is not our eternal life here; it’s just a pit stop where we do some work, live, laugh, love. But maybe after we’re gone, we’ll do like Mom and share those stories with our loved ones energetically (if that’s what’s happening; I’m still not ruling out “crazy” as a possibility, or, as my dad says, maybe I’m just “getting swimmy in the head”).

Do you ever have a sensation of a loved one who’s crossed over? How does it feel to you?

Where am I?

2009-11-06T19:36:00.001-08:00

"Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished" ~ Lao Tzu

“The thing that's totally different between children and adults, Rose, is that children have the ability to spontaneously use their imagination to forget what's bothering them and be inspired by every pony, feather, or bug that crosses their path.” ~ The Universe

I think that nearly anyone reading this knows about - and maybe practices - being in the present moment. Lately, I’ve been considering this in relation to children, animals and nature. I’m learning so much by just watching how they remain fully present – and do it absolutely naturally, just like breathing.

Little babies are about as present as a person can get. No thoughts tumbling toward the future: there is no concept of time to a baby, there is only Now. (I don’t really buy into the concept of measuring time; a topic for a future post.) No worries about the past; the baby’s too young to even have much of a past. There is only Now.

Watch little babies and see how present they are. They respond to what happens with pure honesty. There is no editing, or remembering their manners. They get hungry, they cry. They get tickled, they laugh. They feel like burping, they burp. [smile] They forget the everyday bad things quickly. One minute they want this toy, the next minute they’re distracted by something else. Always Now, always present.

Animals are very much the same. No past or future worries. Only Now. They run around the yard just to run. Or dig in the garden because it’s a doggy thing to do. They don’t stop and consider their actions against what they’ve done in the past or what they might plan to do in the future. Their pleasure is in the present, exactly where they are right now.

And how about ocean waves, gently crashing to shore and then sighing back out? Over and over, without ever ceasing. When my then-husband first left our daughter and me, I spent a lot of time sitting on the beach, watching the waves move back and forth, reassuring me that the world continues on, that in the constancy, the Now of the ocean, there is only the present moment. Here is Now … and here is Now … and there really only is Now. That is the only place that we ever truly are. Here. Right now.

“Where am I?”

“I am here.”

“What time is it?”

“Now.”

There is a wonderful, transformative movie called “Peaceful Warrior” that I highly recommend. I use the above quote from the movie a LOT in my life, when my mind is rushing and playing pinball around a hundred things at once. When I sense my thoughts getting all jumbled up and chaotic, I stop and ask myself “Where am I?” I answer “here.” My pinballing thoughts stop and I shift into Now. I see where I am (yoga, on a walk, at my desk, driving), and I focus on being present to this moment, maybe feeling the strength of a trikonosana or really seeing (and smiling at) the people in the cars around me. (And, sometimes seeing that I should probably slow down a little.)

Babies, animals, nature – by observing them, I learn more about releasing past and future and being fully present to Now.

Edited 11/07/09: I was just reading today's practice on The Oneness Experiment and found a very similar theme on The Rhythm of Oneness:

"Children allow themselves to move at their natural rhythm and pace. They accept what arrives from moment to moment and then allow it to spontaneously flow into something else."

I always say kids can teach us and help us to remember because they're still so fresh from God.

Namaste

Honest Blogger

2009-10-28T19:21:00.000-07:00

I've happily discovered several new blogs (to me) recently that truly speak to my soul. When I first started blogging, a couple of the blogs I first found were wonderful story blogs, people sharing the stories of their lives. Then some of my friends from my decorating group sites started blogs about decorating with a lot of beautiful pics, and I started following several of them. Somehow, I've been lead to sites lately that speak more to the spirit, to an awakening, to the beauty of our inner selves. These truly speak to me, as my own blog was initially intended to be about my own exploration to the center of my self. (I believe that age makes one more self-reflective. At least it does in my case. :-D)

One of those blog discoveries is Laura, at Shine the Divine: Creativity as a Spiritual Practice. Her blog includes her beautiful art and messages that bring a smile to the heart. Laura surprised me by awarding the Honest Blogger Award to me this week! Thanks, Laura! I'm not normally one who posts awards, but this really touched me because Laura is a new friend and sister in my journey.

Per some of the guidelines of the Honest Blogger Award, as honest bloggers we:

* Speak our truth from the heart and tell it like it is
* Share openly and honestly our true feelings without fear of judgement, blame or shame
* We acknowledge our strengths and weaknesses and don't see them in terms of success or failure
* We are free spirits

There are several more, all basically saying that an Honest Blogger strives to be honest, guileless, and acknowledge that we are each on our own unique and special journey.

I'll admit that I'm still not fully comfortable about sharing at times; I do still have some fear of judgement. I guess most of us do. We all want to be liked. We all want others' approval, not their disapproval. But there comes a point when we begin to learn to stand in our own truth, when the judgement of others doesn't matter as deeply as our desire to be known for who we are.

Who am I? A reader, a pianist, a dancer, a writer, an artist, a thinker, a person of love and peace and so much more. These are some of the things that I am in my self, outside of my relationships to others (family, friends, colleagues). To truly know my self is to know who I am when my identity is not defined by my relationships. It's easy to get caught up in being defined as mother, daughter, sister, friend, spouse, but in the still, quiet moments of life, we each stand alone and need to know who we are in that space.

There are many who I consider to be Honest Bloggers that I follow, so I don't feel comfortable awarding this to just one right now. If you feel that you are an Honest Blogger, though, (and honestly, you would know better than me) please take the award if you wish. Thank, you, Laura!

I wish you truth and peace in the still and quiet spaces. Namaste

The woman in church …

2009-10-19T19:50:00.001-07:00

I entered church a few minutes before Mass started, trusting that since I was early, I’d be able to find a seat. Looking around, I didn’t see any readily available so I stood at the back of the church, scanning the pews for a place to sit. I knew my friend, Vic, would be sitting in her usual spot but I couldn’t see her when I looked in that direction.

So, I stood in the back, still scanning. My back had been hurting (I have spondylolisthesis) and sitting would be so much better than standing. I spotted my friend up front but was there room next to her? Not really sure if there was room between her and the man on her right. Mass started and so I stayed put for now, thinking I might move down there in a few minutes.

A young woman sidled in to stand next to me. I was very aware of her presence there, maybe even a tad annoyed that she was standing so closely to me. Then I heard her cry. Softly … a sniffle at first … then barely-heard gulps of air … and then quiet sobs. Her head dropped and I could feel her energy withdraw from the Mass and flow deeply into her sorrow. I could see her quiet tears drop toward the floor.

The annoyance of my human nature swept away, and I felt a deep compassion for her, my divine nature coming forward. I didn’t need to know the cause of her tears; I only knew that she was in deep, soul-engulfing sorrow, something so familiar, I felt I was feeling it with her.

I felt a lightness through my crown chakra, flowing down and opening up my heart. Instinctively, I moved in front of her and wrapped her in my arms as she cried even harder. And we just stood there like that - just being - just being present to one another.

As her tears subsided, she whispered, her head still down on my shoulder, “My mom died this morning.” And then we both cried some more.

She briefly shared her story in whispers there at the back of the church, a story much more important in that moment than the Mass that was being celebrated. Others would hold the Mass energy for us for few moments; I knew that I was to be a good servant, that I was part of a Divine purpose.

Later, after Communion, as we returned back to our spots, a new wave of quiet crying washed over her. She hadn’t slept in two days, staying by her mother’s bedside as her mom moved forward in her own personal journey. I found some tissues for her and she knelt in private prayer.

At the end of Mass, we shared another hug and she thanked me over and over, saying that I had been her angel in her time of need.

As a child, I was sometimes overwhelmed with the depth of God’s unconditional love for us. I found it immensely hard to fathom, like trying to think of the universe, the Big Bang, or trying to think of a time before the earth was created. It could make my head hurt to think of the amazing Love we’re given, freely, no strings attached. I don’t have to do anything to earn that Love. I can’t do anything that will make the Divine not love me any more. I will always and constantly and abundantly be loved. No conditions.

And so, my child-self would pray to God to please give me opportunities in my life to be His servant, place me where He needs me to be to serve others, to let me release my own ego and simply be what He needs me to be for others. (I’d hoped at one point to be a cloistered nun, living in a cloister and spending my days praying for peace and goodness and Love in the world.) And so the Divine has presented opportunities all throughout my life, and each time I recognize it as the answer to my child prayer. Not to earn Love; I already have it. But to share my connection with that Love by being a servant for others, gratefully, lovingly.

I read a story once where a child asked a kind stranger if he was an angel. Nope, he answered. Sometimes God’s angels are so busy, they use humans to help out. And we’re only too happy to serve.

Grandma’s 94th birthday!

2009-10-06T20:14:00.000-07:00

Saturday was Grandma’s 94th birthday! I’m lucky she lives within 30 minutes of me so I popped over to her house in the afternoon with a birthday card and a geranium that I potted up from my garden. Grandma and I share a love of gardening; since the day I met her, I’ve enjoyed exploring her garden when I visit.

Grandma is actually my ex-husband’s grandmother. When my daughter was born, Grandma got a new nickname, Great G, to celebrate her status as a great-grandmother. After the divorce, Great G always remembered my daughter/her great-granddaughter for every birthday and every holiday, sending a card, a gift, always letting my daughter know how very much she was loved. Other than my sister-in-law who I’ve always remained close to, we didn’t have much contact with the rest of the family (for various reasons that really don’t matter after all these years). But Grandma and I exchanged cards and letters from time to time, keeping a bond of love between us. When my daughter grew up, married and had her daughters, I told her we had to go take the girls to see Great G. Oh, Great G just sparkled at seeing her great-great-granddaughters!

To meet Grandma is to love her. A little bit of nothing, she weighs less than 100 lbs. But she’s not frail or fragile in any way! Her hair is always beautifully coifed, as red as it’s always been. Her voice is strong and capable, her movements sure. She has trouble hearing and some sight issues, but nothing stops her. She demonstrated to me Saturday that her hands – even with arthritis in her right one – still have good gripping power for her garden clippers. On a bad day when her two arthritic fingers don’t work correctly, she just bends them around the handles and gardens away!

That’s the kind of woman she is. Never a complaint, never a mean word about anyone (at least to me). She’s resilient and resourceful. No car? No problem. She walks to where she wants to go. The grocery store, church – she gets done what has to be done.

And her stories! I love hearing her stories and Saturday over coffee I enjoyed one after the other. Grandma was born very early on a Sunday morning on October 3, 1915, on the family farm in Kansas City, Kansas, the youngest of her mom’s children. The doctor lived 12 miles away, but he didn’t have a horse and buggy so Grandma’s Daddy took his own horse and buggy to go fetch the doctor. Grandma’s mother knew the menfolk would be hungry so she made breakfast for them so it’d be ready when they returned. Then, at 6am, Grandma was born.

Life on the farm taught her to be strong and take care of what needed taking care of. Every summer there were fruits and vegetables to be canned. The meat was kept in the cold storage (they didn’t have a freezer or electricity) but if the weather warmed up, they’d have to take the meat and can it, too, so it wouldn’t spoil and go to waste.

She grew up, married, had her two daughters. Her husband, though, had a wandering eye and left the family a couple of times. Afterward, she said, he’d always summon her and she would go. (She shook her head with obvious regret as she told me this.) She finally divorced him and bought her home for her and her daughters, telling them that this was it, she wasn’t going to be moving any more. (She’s lived there over 60 years.) She worked at the market deli to support herself and her daughters. And she told herself that she wished he would call. Sure enough, he did, and this petite, strong woman gave him her answer: no, not this time, not ever again. Grandma was smiling and proud of herself as she told me the story, looking strong and young as she remembered.

Until recently, Grandma still hung her laundry out on the clothesline to dry. She had a retractable line in the backyard that she’d pull out from one pole and then pull it across the width of her yard to secure it to the pole on the other side. As she says, “it wan’t a bother.” She’d always done it this way and it’s what she was used to. She finally has a dryer now, though, and when we were in the kitchen fixing coffee, she grinned and told me in a conspiratorial whisper that she really likes how much easier it is to use the dryer. Ha!

She says she likes the church she goes to now, but that she sometimes has a hard time hearing the preacher. Grandma prefers the Baptist church she used to go to, where the preacher spoke more loudly and forcefully. She likes a church, she says, with her face crinkling into a smile, where she can shout “Hallelujah!” The old church is too far to walk, though, so she goes to the one that’s close by, walking to church on Sunday morning and getting a ride back home from a neighbor. I’ve never been in a Baptist church. I think I’ll give her a call in a couple of weeks, and see if she’ll let me take her to her old church. I’m looking forward to shouting a couple of Hallelujahs myself.

Happy birthday, Grandma, you wonderful woman!

a little respect, just a little bit …

2009-10-04T17:21:00.000-07:00

“…we now have a permanent presidential campaign that encourages all partisanship, all the time among our leading politicians.” - ” http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/30/opinion/30friedman.html?em

All partisanship – I’m not sure that I’m for “all partisanship.” I think we need to be bi- or multi-partisan – with intelligence, respect and courtesy for all parties involved. We need people to have differing opinions, to debate the issues from multiple viewpoints, to not agree on the best solution from the get-go. Each party should want something different, creating some tension in the argument that will give rise to flaws, errors in judgment, political blindness. Instant agreement doesn’t dredge up and expose the bad stuff.

I was once in a business meeting where two parties – the heads of their respective departments – seriously disagreed on an issue; option A would would have greater negative impact on one department, and option B would have greater negative impact on the other. Each one argued her points passionately and intelligently. And always respectfully. I remember thinking how impressed I was with each of them at that moment. It was the job of each department head to run her department well and to represent the best interests of the department, and that’s what each of these women was doing. This was an important issue and needed the depth of review and debate that their discussion was providing. If they’d agreed from the outset, there would have been no quality review, no discussion and questioning and exposure.

I believe it’s healthy – even vital and necessary - to have two (or more) different viewpoints when discussing Important Issues. Get it all out there, expose the flaws, discuss options, disagree and explain why you disagree. Listen. Listen and understand. Don’t keep playing the same record; listen to someone else’s. Broaden your thinking.

All this name-calling across the aisles and emotional propaganda by both sides is disrespectful of others’ opinions. The disrespect (and threats) accorded our previous and current presidents does not advance the discussion in an intelligent manner.

We need differing viewpoints on healthcare, the economy, and the other Important Issues. And we need to respect those viewpoints and appreciate that each person is doing his/her job, representing the best interests of his/her constituencies. It could be dangerous if everyone fully agreed on every Important Issue. We should agree that bipartisanship is a good thing. And respect our differences.

Shanti Peace

2009-09-26T16:05:00.000-07:00

Shanti Shanti Shanti

Peace Peace Peace

Peace in my thoughts

Peace in my actions

Peace in my words

Peace in my voice

Peace in the sounds around me

Peace in the movies or TV shows I choose

Peace in the music I listen to

Peace in my heart

Peace in the stillness

Peace in the voice of God

Shanti Shanti Shanti

Peace Peace Peace

Namaste

But I drove all the way over here ...

2009-09-12T18:15:00.000-07:00

I guess I'll just have an iced coffee, then ...

This was the sign posted at my local McD's last Sunday morning. I stopped by for coffee on Thursday and the sign was still up. Must be a shortage of boy toys. I'll keep checking back. Want to get there when the new shipment comes in so I can have the best selection.

Start the car! Start the car!

2009-09-07T17:04:00.000-07:00

When I moved into my home, I had just about the ugliest staircase ever: green carpet that wrapped around the steps and down onto the wall and a chipped white iron railing, the kind you might use outside in a garden, not indoors. Ick. I wanted to block as much of it as possible, so a designer friend custom-made a nice large wood entertainment center (armoire and side bookcases) that managed to hide some of the staircase ugliness.

Fast forward to 2008: I had the staircase redone! Hmmm ... but now the armoire/bookcases covered my beautiful new staircase. Another change needed! I sold the entertainment center on Craigslist last month and brought out the old TV stand until I have a job and can get a nice, new one.

In the meantime, though, I needed a bookcase for the goodies that had been on the other two bookcases. The bookcase had to be no more than 24” wide in order to fit on the wall designated for it. Ideally, I wanted one that was open on all sides, too. That wall has an outlet that I use for the vacuum cleaner and I didn’t want to have the outlet blocked if I could help it. Searched and searched; so difficult to find a bookcase that size. I finally found one online at Bed Bath and Beyond: open sides, right size, wood, $99.99 – hurray! I called the corporate number and found they had it in stock in my local store, so I called the store, had them put it on hold and rushed right over. So excited!

I got to the store and they pulled out the bookcase from the back. It was the wrong one! Yes, $99.99; yes, wood; yes, the same width. But it was closed on the sides. Oh no. I’m sad. Together the sales guy and I went online and I showed him the one I wanted. $99.99, wood, open sides, 24” wide. He checked. They had it in stock! Yay! I’m happy!

Off he went to get it from the back. Yes! It’s the right one, $99.99 sticker on the box, the whole shebang. Relief!

The cashier scanned the $99.99 sticker. Uh-oh!
She scanned it again. Hmmm …
"What’s wrong?"
“Ma’am, it’s coming up as $14.99.”
“But the sticker says it’s $99.99,” I say, “and it’s $99.99 online, too.”
(When I told the story to my family recently, it was at this point that they started hitting me and saying “Only YOU would even question something like that!” Guess they have a point. I should know when to keep my mouth shut.)
“Well, ma’am, it’s coming up as $14.99 so that’s the price.”

Coming to my senses – but still feeling faintly guilty – I pay, they load it up in a shopping cart and the guy helps me take it to the car and loads it in for me. I quickly thanked him … and blasted outta there, thinking of the IKEA winter sale commercial “Start the car! Start the car! WOOOOOOO!”

I know. I should’ve bought two.

What we leave behind ...

2009-08-26T15:20:00.001-07:00

Some people come into our lives and quickly go.
Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts.
And we are never ever the same.

As everyone was going through my in-laws' things at Great G's home, she looked at the boxes and piles left behind by her daughter and son-in-law wistfully. Without moving her gaze, she told me "It's amazing, isn't it? The whole of two people's lives, now just a pile of stuff to go through." I think she was really feeling the loss at that time, because of course, we are more than just the stuff we leave behind. So much more.

Sometimes, we don't even know the things we "leave behind" with others we meet in this lifetime. I know I've been surprised on occasion when someone from my past has kindly shared something they remember about me, maybe something I taught them, or something that inspired them. We don't always know the impact we have on those we touch. We may not give the moment a second thought, but we're always touching others in this life.

My ex-husband is known in the family for being an excellent cook. As we were all talking and sorting at Great G's, he told us that people often ask him how he learned how to cook Mexican food so well. "From my ex-wife's mom," he said. I spun round to look at him. Really? Yes, really. Apparently, he still makes handmade tortillas, mixing the dough, letting it rest, rolling, patting and stretching the tortillas ... just like my mom. (As kids, we'd usually take turns getting the last tortilla, which was usually a little smaller than the others.) And from-scratch beans, complete with the bacon fat ... just like my mom. And Mom's tacos, with ground beef, potato and cumin. And tamales at Christmas even! (He's Scotch-Irish, not a drop of Latino in him.) I very rarely make these dishes! Surprised, yes. And also deeply touched, very deeply touched that he thought of my mom whenever he made these things, remembering how she did them, and remembering the times when he and I were young, idealistic, hippie, married kids, barely 20, a different lifetime ago. I had no idea. It was a gift to think that someone is making Mom's dishes ... and a huge surprise that it would be my ex-husband.

One of the big finds as we sorted were Phebe's journals. She kept journals throughout her lifetime. We all giggled as my niece read from her wedding journal, writing about how certain evenings were "very lovely" ... cue the camera to pan to ocean waves crashing on the beach. No details on those evenings (thank goodness!), just the cryptic "very lovely" to leave the rest to the imagination. Other entries were so very dear and so very sweet; a beautiful love story told in those journals.

And then there were the letters. Lots of them, piled, beribboned, bound together, boxed. Do you keep letters? Do you write them, hand-write them? When I was a kid, we wrote letters. I miss them. I miss the excitement of gathering that white envelope (sometimes with a heart or XOXOX on the back) from the mailbox and quickly checking who sent it, the return address neatly written in the upper left corner, not a label. I remember the anticipation when I'd receive a letter from my cousins in El Paso, filled with all the chatty tidbits from a household of four girly daughters. Some years ago, I had a friend who moved to Hawaii; his letters included fun little drawings of him swimming with turtles or palm trees waving in the wind. Another friend used to draw little cartoons.

Mom was a consistent letter writer when we were young. Her handwriting was beautiful, the letters curved just right, her capital R (for my name) open at the top, the straight left leg slightly angled forward and gracefully flowing down to the right leg in a curvy S shape. Each letter flowed gently as it linked to the next in each word. Her writing was the most beautiful I've ever seen. An aunt in New Mexico had writing that was not as neat and took some time to decipher exactly what she wrote, but it was always worth the effort. Mom always wrote on nearly transparent, very light onionskin. The onionskin letter pads came with a lined template that one could slip under the onionskin to guide the writer's hand and keep the lines straight. Mom, with her meticulous writing, never needed it, but if I happened to use onionskin instead of some colorful paper, I always found it helpful.

Now, very few letters arrive in my mailbox. Cards are always welcome, though, and lift my heart with delight when I spy them amongst the junk mail and bills. I keep many of them, with their words of love, encouragement, celebration. I'm lucky to have some with my mom's beautiful handwriting, others with my dad's clear, neat, smaller penmanship, and still others from my brothers with especially meaningful messages. (One says that I'm his "hero.") I've saved letters from my daughter when she was away on a school trip or on a church retreat. She often copied Psalms passages for me, little gifts of encouragement for a single mom struggling each day. I treasure the cards that my granddaughters make for me, with their drawings and things glued on. (There's one from Jas with a plastic turtle - my power animal - on it.) Many of them are bound, beribboned and boxed.

Some day, someone may go through them and think of my life and what I've left behind.

Summer fun and the gates of heaven

2009-08-17T16:08:00.001-07:00

Good golly, Miss Molly, but it's been a busy couple of weeks of summertime fun. I've been so focused on searching, researching and applying for jobs, that I was letting this beautiful summer of no work pass me by. I was squandering this precious gift of time that I'd been given. I'd been turning down invitations to meet up with friends so I could spend the entire day at the computer job-hunting. (OK, and on Facebook, too, since I'm already at the computer. I usually work with about 8 different windows open so I can bounce around while pages load.)

Jas and Bri on left

Job hunting takes time; I have job search agents set up on about 7 sites, I check CalJobs every few days, and I'm on several social sites for online marketing. When I find a job that seems a good fit, I apply, prepare a cover letter that hits the requirements for the position so they can see how well-suited I am for the position, fill out the forms necessary to apply, make copies for my files, etc. Then I have follow-up calls, e-mails, etc. You'd think I'd have a job by now. Harumph! I know that I'll land where I'm supposed to land eventually, though.

Jas (red shoes), Bri (checkered shoes)

So ... some of the things I've been doing the last few weeks:
- sold my entertainment center
- bought a new bookcase to replace the two that went with the EC (Good story there; will do another blog post for that)
- had lunch on the pier with my friend Mary
- went to the OC Fair with my friend Ryann before she moved to San Francisco
- attended a friend's wedding shower with my very ultra-cool ex-co-workers (I love those girls!)
- took my grands to the OC Fair. They now love to ride the crazy, spin-ya-round, upside-down, twirl-and-twist rides. Yeeee-haaaaw!
- had the grands over for swimming one day - so fun!
- went with my dear friend Vic to the Sawdust Art Festival in Laguna Beach. There are handcrafted items of all kinds: ceramic, glass, mixed media, paintings, jewelry, textiles, and so much more. Weather was perfect and the smell was awesome with the sawdust covering the grounds. I love to talk with the artisans about their work. A wonderful day!
- got my taillight fixed for free (thanks to good buddy Don who referred me to a mechanic friend of his)
- saw my friend Zuly (and salsa teacher) and her beautiful baby Skyla. We hadn't sat and talked in so long; great afternoon and what a beautiful baby!

Jas and Bri

This last Saturday, I went to Great G's house. Great G is my ex-husband's grandmother, but after the divorce she still remained close, as did my sister-in-law. In recent years, it's been wonderful to reconnect to other family members, too. My father-in-law crossed over last year and my mother-in-law this year. So all the family gathered to go through the things stored at Great G's, giving everyone a chance to take mementos and photos that had special meaning for them.

As everyone went through boxes and photo albums, there was a lot of "Oh, remember this?" and "Do you know who this is?" and "I remember when we ..." I was married at 20, so my 20s were spent as part of the family, formative years doing the growing up and maturing that we do in that timespan of our youth. I was surprised when my ex showed me a photo of me from high school that my MIL had kept; he later told me that she had several others of me, too. We all laughed at some memories, got teary about others. It was good and healing for all, I believe.

Even though the divorce and the years immediately following were very hard, it was such a long time ago, water under the bridge now, baggage that I don't choose to carry forward with me. Grudges and resentments are most damaging to the person carrying them. Better to try to live fully and healthfully in the present.

I read once that the gates of Heaven are very low. One must bow down very deeply to enter ... and we can't fit through if we're carrying excess baggage. I let it all go a long time ago. The good times and the love of those times are what remain. I think those will fit through the gates.

Mexico: Xel-Ha and Tulum!

2009-08-02T18:52:00.000-07:00

One day, during our trip, we booked a tour that took us to both Xel-Ha and then Tulum. A nice air-conditioned bus picked us all up right next to the open-air hotel restaurant where we'd just finished breakfast.

In the Mayan language, Xel-Ha is pronounced SHEL-ha and means "where the water is born." And it almost seems like it when you visit this beautiful eco-park. It is called the largest natural aquarium in the world. It's a water paradise! And Xel-Ha's all-inclusive package means you pay one price and receive not just your admission, but all your activities, snorkeling gear, towels, locker storage, deck chairs, hammocks, lifejackets, inner tubes - everything you need to have fun in and out of the water is included.

Oh, and I forgot one more minor thing: all your food, snacks and drinks (even alcoholic) are also included. If I remember correctly, there are about 5 restaurants/bars in the park with a wide variety of foods to savor. The one where I ate had a HUGE buffet, with table after table of pasta dishes, fish, burgers and hot dogs, tacos, salads, fruits - I'm sure I didn't see it all. The outside of the restaurant had spigots so you could pour your own lemonade or beer or other beverages. You could even make your own ice cream cone. Compared to Disneyland, where the price of admission and the cost of the food in the park is astronomical, this was a bargain and a delight!

You can spend the entire day in this biological preserve, exploring the jungle, snorkeling with brightly colored fish – it’s water, water, everywhere, lagoon, cenotes, caves. And everywhere you sense the deep commitment to preserving this beautiful natural wonder where Mayans once lived and thrived.

The family spent most of their day snorkeling and I wandered the park by myself. I stopped and watched a family swimming with the dolphins for a while. Pretty amazing what they've trained the dolphins to do. My favorite was when the dolphins pushed a person like a speedboat across the water: one dolphin would push on each foot, making the person rise up out of the water, arms wide open like a cross and they'd be pushed forward with amazing speed, laughing/screaming with delight.

I visited the nursery, too, with its array of tropical plants. Bonus: I got a nice cool-down standing under the sprinklers in one area. Do you see the big red iguana on the rocks above?

Meandering along one of the many paths, I hiked out to an out-of-the-way finger of land called Lighthouse Point, right on the edge of the Caribbean. Under a loosely thatched roof, there were several hammocks hanging in the gentle breeze. There was absolutely no one else around, so I just laid in my hammock enjoying the waves exploding on the rocks, the sunshine, the breeze. So beautiful, I could have stayed right there the entire rest of the day! I happily laid in my hammock, watching the waves and enjoying the amazing blueness of the Caribbean.

After that delightful respite, I spent a long time exploring along a long narrow jungle path that wound throughout the park. There were a couple of points where I thought I might be lost; I hadn't seen another soul in quite some time, and it seemed the rough jungle trail was endless. There were markers along the way to describe trees and caves and cenotes, along with ancient Mayan tales. A long hike, but so worthwhile. Then it was time to board the bus and head to Tulum!

Tulum - the Walled City - is the site of ancient Mayan ruins located on a high bluff above the ocean. The views of the Caribbean are spectacular here. Standing on the bluff, you get a sense of what it must have been like to be a part of this dynamic area. Because of its location, Tulum was a thriving trading site, with access from land or sea.

We were especially lucky to have an amazing guide for Tulum, Javier Savala, whose mother is Mayan and father is Basque. His first language was Mayan and he is an authority on the history, science and archaelogy of this area. His passion for the Mayan culture and his extensive knowledge of the scientific, mathematical, political, architectural and cultural details were contagious. A brilliant man!

Before heading up to the ruins, we enjoyed a performance by Mayan Flying Pole Dancers. With one Indian at the top beating a drum, four others, wrapped in rope, dropped down from the top of the pole, upside down, unwinding and swirling round and round. Amazing! (I couldn't help but think they must have been incredibly hot in their red velvet pants.)

Javier picked some hibiscus blossoms before we took to the tram to the ruins, promising he'd show us a surprise. At the site, we gathered round as he told us of the symbolism of different buildings, of how they were sited to the sun's path and guided the days for planting and harvesting. He explained mathematical equations that had my head spinning but that the Mayans used in the construction of the site and placement of windows and doors. Vastly interesting!

As in most every place we went, there were iguanas up here, too. With a bright, pink hibiscus blossom in hand, Javier lured an iguana to come over and take the flower from his hand. "Your turn, Princess!" he called out to Brianna, my youngest granddaughter, handing her a flower. Looking both excited and a little nervous, she bent down, and bravely held out the flower to another iguana. Gently he took it from her hand. Another beautiful Mexico moment, another beautiful Mexico memory.

Thank you for letting me share our Mexico trip. Now it's your turn to go and enjoy. I can't wait to return again soon. There's a little casita in Akumal that I'm going to book for my next vacation with a yoga studio nearby. Perfect. Adios!

Mexico: Akumal and the Cricket Artisan in Playa

2009-07-21T17:31:00.000-07:00

Midweek, we went to the beach at Akumal, a quiet, laid-back community of villas, condos and beautiful, gracefully arching bays, clear, turquoise waters and clean, sharp horizons. In Yucatec Mayan, Akumal means "place of the turtles."

Not (yet) a major tourist destination, Akumal is a beautiful, mostly unspoiled area where visitors can swim with the sea turtles. It's also home to a non-profit group dedicated to protecting the sea turtles and the ecological health of the area.

As we drove through the little white-arched entrance, there was a collection of small shops, apartments, homes and businesses all loosely gathered together along the narrow packed-dirt road. We parked in front of La Cueva del Pescador, The Cave of the Fisherman. La Cueva was part of a small cluster of buildings in a shady palm grove. Behind it was a little clothing shop and at an angle behind the shop was Turtle Bay Bakery.

There were a few small tables outside; inside, the floor was simply sand (I don't think there was an actual floor below the sand) and there was a pool table where two young men were playing and an order window for the kitchen. Inside, the walls were covered with photographs of fishermen with their catches. Very picturesque, almost Hemingwayish. One of the servers told us that if we chartered a fishing trip on his boat, that they'd cook whatever we caught right there: "Hook it and cook it!" (We didn't do it, but thought it was a cool idea.) Terrific lunch!

After lunch, we walked across the road to the beach to rent snorkeling equipment for the family. There were charter tours available that would take the family out to swim with the turtles, but they decided to just rent the equipment ... and simply watch where the tours went and swim out to the same area. They put their equipment on and out they went. My daughter saw at least 8 turtles, some bigger than my 9-yr-old granddaughter, all swimming around and below them. Awesome, amazing and beautiful!

I sat on the beach (I can't swim) and had a wonderfully peaceful time sitting there just enjoying the ocean, the waves, the breeze. Just a perfect day! Very refreshing. (I have fibromyalgia so peaceful, calming experiences are very helpful in managing the pain. And after Xcaret, I could use the peace and quiet.)

There weren't many people in the area where I was so it was pretty quiet and calming. After about an hour or so of lazy, drowsy watching, I heard - and felt!- a solid *thud!* next to my hand. A coconut had fallen and barely missed me. Whew! Close call. I turned back to that gorgeous expanse of Caribbean before me and just as I started to drift again ... *bam!* Another coconut fell right next to me! I looked up into the tree. One ... two ... There were two more up there so I moved out of the line of fire! My son-in-law opened up one of them when they came back onshore. Tasty, fresh coconut!

After Akumal, we drove into Playa Del Carmen for dinner at Yaxche, known for its authentic Mayan cuisine. We chose an outdoor table right on the street. Shortly after being seated, a gentleman approached our table from the street and placed something on our table. It was a large green cricket! He started singing a song and dancing the cricket around on the table. As he sang, he made cricket sounds (I have no idea how to write a cricket sound in letters!) and jumped quickly up and down like a cricket. So delightful! A natural artisan, he'd fashioned these wonderful crickets from palm leaves, very intricately plaited, wth wooden skewers for legs. I'd love to go back and learn how to make these from him!

Such a wonderful day! I fell in love with Akumal. If the circumstances ever present themselves, I would love to buy a little place there and live in the peace and beauty of the place of the turtles.

Mexico: Xcaret!

2009-07-08T17:21:00.000-07:00

One day is not enough to see and enjoy all there is in Xcaret (pronounced "ish-carette")! It's a sprawling eco park with an abundance of natural beauty. You can explore on foot through the pathways or jump in the water for some snorkeling. The emphasis on the preservation and conservation of the natural habitats is evident everywhere. On land, there is the butterfly pavilion, manatee lagoon, monkey island, deer, flamingos, orchids, turtles ... in the water, there is Paradise River, snorkeling, snuba-ing, subterranean rivers, cenotes, dolphins, beaches, natural pools.

The Mayan culture is celebrated throughout the park. Explore the various archaelogical sites, enjoy watching a Mayan ball game, see the Mexico Espectacular show with over 300 artists showcasing the traditions, history and beauty of Mexico from pre-hispanic times to the present. Just a beautiful place!

Above is the bell tower near the entrance.

Paradise River - A raft takes visitors along the river to explore various areas of the park by boat.

In the subterranean river:

The blues of the Caribbean!

SeaTrek - An underwater walk wearing a breathing helmet. Lots of tropical fish to see and feed. Bri decided to opt out after they put the helmet on her.

See the white helmets? Those are Amber, Brian and Jasmine walking underwater.

Me, relaxing while waiting for the family to come back from SeaTrek. Aaahhhhhh ...

View from a hammock:

Jasmine and, behind her, Amber (taking a picture of me taking a picture of them):

Tortugas! (Turtles)

The rope ladder. The girls were having a great time ... then Daddy created some mayhem and Jasmine fell into the water. :-)

One of the performers for the Mayan show:

At the Mayan show. It was packed, standing room only.

We spent the entire day there and didn't get to see it all. Guess that means I have to go back!

Mexico!

2009-07-06T18:42:00.000-07:00

Grand Mayan entrance

We had a wonderful vacation sunning and funning in the Riviera Maya area in early June. My daughter, son-in-law, two granddaughters and I enjoyed the pleasures of the beautiful Grand Mayan resort, south of Cancun and near Playa Del Carmen. This is a huge, sprawling resort; our rooms were amazing and the service was impeccable. We had two large bedroom suites, with sitting areas and bathrooms, connected in the middle by a larger sitting area, kitchen and dining space, a ton of space for the five of us. The total square footage was larger than my home!

On our balcony: a cooling pool, perfect for casual lounging. And the resort pools were all interconnected; everywhere you went there was pool, pool and more pool. And we took full advantage of them, day and night.

I love this area of Mexico; the language(s), the culture, the people, the courtesy and kindness of the people we met. I love the simplicity of life and the way the Mayan culture is celebrated here. There is no official national language in Mexico; the languages of the 63 indigenous cultures are all considered national languages. But I love the soft, susurrous sound of spoken Spanish; I wish I spoke it. The country is truly amazing in their efforts to preserve cultural identities, languages and practices, as well as their efforts in environmental and ecological consciousness. Eco-tourism thrives in this area.

Jas and Bri, loving sisters!

The turquoise waters of the Caribbean, palm trees swaying in the breeze, soft white sand between one’s toes, warm weather – what more could a person ask of a vacation? We spent time on the beach relaxing, we lounged in the pool, visited Cancun and Playa Del Carmen for dining and shopping.

La Habichuela restaurant (Cancun)

We spent one day in Xcaret, an ecological theme park. Lots of snorkeling, Mayan archaeological sites – there is so much to see and do here that one day is not enough to explore Xcaret. Another day was spent in Akumal (which means “place of the turtles” in Mayan). We had a delicious lunch at La Cueva Del Pescador, where the motto is “Hook it and Cook it”: the local fishermen who own this little place will take you out fishing and then prepare your catch for your meal. Friendly place!

We took a tour to visit Xel-Ha and Tulum. Xel-Ha is a wonderful open-sea “aquarium.” You can spend the entire day in this biological preserve (I spent part of mine in a hammock watching the waves of the Caribbean exploding on the rocks), exploring the jungle, snorkeling with brightly colored fish – it’s water, water, everywhere, with a deep commitment to preserving this beautiful natural wonder where Mayans once lived. At Tulum, we were so very fortunate to have Javier Savala as our guide. His passion for the Mayan culture and his extensive knowledge of the scientific, mathematical, political, architectural and cultural details were contagious. A brilliant man who I respect a great deal.

It was a wonderful, memorable week! If I could, I’d buy a little place in Akumal for my retirement and live there along the bay, among the warm and welcoming people and the sea turtles, writing and painting, taking morning walks on the beach – ahhh … I love Mexico.

Coming up: a tad more on Xcaret, Akumal, Xel-Ha and Tulum (short posts, I promise!)

My Tios' 60th Wedding Anniversary

2009-06-30T17:04:00.000-07:00

Photo: Tia Goya, Tio Lolo, Mom (Mary Oropeza)

Note: I promise to post later this week about our Mexico vacation!

This past Saturday night we celebrated my tios’ (aunt and uncle) 60th wedding anniversary. My Tio Lolo (Richard) is my mom’s youngest brother; in a family of 9 (I believe it was 9?), he and my mom were the youngest and were always very close. He and my Tia Goya (Georgia) have 9 children so family visits to their house when we were kids were always a kid-filled, kid-fun blast.

Being Oropezas, visits bubbled over with lively laughter and loving teasing, filled with extended family and friends. Great food would be cooking on the grill and in the kitchen, and the get-on-your-feet music would spawn a bit of singing and dancing. Saying goodbye when we’d visit them would take at least an hour with the conversation continuing on and on as the family walked us out to the car and everyone kept on talking and laughing and wishing us a safe drive.

Saturday night was another wonderful Oropeza party and for an especially momentous occasion as we celebrated my tios’ 60th anniversary. I saw Oropeza cousins that I hadn’t seen in a long time, except perhaps at the funerals that we’ve had too many of this past year or so. Much better to gather for a happier occasion this time. A great celebration of love and commitment.

My Dad has always said that Tio Lolo is his hero. He’s always admired how hard my tio worked for his family, carrying two jobs despite a very serious war injury (he lost a leg to a land mine in Korea), playing sports with his kids, barbequing on Sundays. Dad’s always felt that Tio is a singular example of a good man.

My Tia provided child care (yes, even with 9 of her own) and all those kids and their families became extended family to them. I think everyone in Oxnard knows and loves the Oropezas!

Photo: Oropeza cousins

I feel so at home when I’m with my mother’s people. It was a wonderful party. Happy 60th, Tia and Tio!

Rose

PS. As I prepared to leave, I said my goodbyes to my tios and headed toward the door. Half an hour later, I was still there, talking to cousins, as my tio passed by and smiled as he said “Still here? I thought you were leaving an hour ago!” Some things don’t change.

Dad and Daughter

2009-06-21T15:18:00.001-07:00

There's something like a line of gold thread running through a man's words when he talks to his daughter, and gradually over the years it gets to be long enough for you to pick up in your hands and weave into a cloth that feels like love itself. ~John Gregory Brown

Pic above: Dad's high school graduation portrait. He and the other boys in his graduating class each borrowed the photographer's jacket and tie for their portraits.

I spent a wonderful Friday afternoon at my Dad's house, just talking and being together (along with his wife), catching up on things, sharing memories, being present to one another. I count myself enormously blessed to still have him with us. He was born in 1929 and will be 80 this year. Mom crossed over in 1990, and we all miss her so much; I can't even think of Dad's crossing over without tearing up. I pray he lives many more years; he's had a couple of strokes, which have affected his memory, and as he says, he "can't hear worth a darn." He's been recently diagnosed with depression, probably because of his wife's own health challenges. He mourned so deeply when Mom crossed over and I'm sure he doesn't want to go through it again.

Pic above: Dad about 20 yrs. old

He's always been my hero, my champion, the most hard-working man I've ever known. He always worked two jobs throughout my childhood, rising very early, coming home very late, stopping home for a quick dinner between jobs. I had ballet lessons and piano lessons, one brother had trumpet lessons and a beautiful Besson trumpet, another brother played sports, paid for by Dad's long hours to ensure his family had what we needed to excel in life.

Pic above: Dad's ship, the USS Ernest G. Small. My youngest brother is named for the ship.

Dad's a quiet man with a wicked sense of humor and a multitude of catchphrases that always make me smile. My cousin Patsy's told me that when thinks of him, she always remembers his sayings, like "she looks like 40 miles of bad road."

His mom was half Apache and people can see the Native American in him. I asked him yesterday what his father was; "Good for nothing", he said, and left it at that. His father was an abusive man who did some pretty horrible things to all in the family. I think Dad's quiet strength comes as a result of a very hard childhood.

Pic above: Dad's Navy portrait

He loved being in the Navy, he's told me, and loved to be out at sea, away from everyone. I'm so much like him in that way, very comfortable in my own company, not one for big crowds and commotion, very calm and peaceful. I once painted an oil painting for him of a flowing river, because that's what he reminds me of: a smoothly flowing river, constant and calming.

Pic above: Some of Dad's medals and a letter from the Korean government commemorating his service in the Korean War.

As the only daughter, Dad may have spoiled me just a bit. For every ballet performance, he always brought me pink roses. When Mom would get frustrated with trying to teach me to cook or crochet or sew, she'd send me outside with a terse "Go outside and help your father!" My love of gardening developed because of him; I could spend hours digging in the dirt with him. Sweetpeas are my favorite flower because of the abundance of vines he grew against the chainlink fence in the backyard.

My Dad's my hero, my champion; a man of strong integrity, polite manners, a good, noble heart, kindness and gentleness, strong faith. I'm proud of him, and I adore and love him with all my heart.

Back from Mexico!

2009-06-19T15:20:00.000-07:00

We returned from Mexico very late Saturday (6/13). What a wonderful time! The people, the culture, the language, the sights - I'm in love with Mexico! Of course, being on vacation in a beautiful resort helps, too. I'm ready to go back!

I've tried to carve out time this week to post about the trip, but it's just been busy-busy since we came home. Reconciling the expenses, receipts, Visa charges and all the foreign transaction fees, converting from dollars to pesos and pesos to dollars - whew! Pics are uploaded from the camera; now I just have to edit, name and file them and then write a post or two about the trip. I'll be back!

Pic above: Just a shot of the Caribbean from a cozy little hammock in a deserted area of Xel-Ha. All by myself, just me and the sea. aaaaaahhhhh ...

Vacation!

2009-06-05T20:43:00.000-07:00

I'm just posting a quick note because I'm leaving tomorrow on vacation! I'm taking my daughter's family (daughter, son-in-law, two granddaughters) to Cancun. I'd taken my daughter there for her high school graduation and we absolutely loved it. Last year, I saved and saved and saved and saved my money and then around Christmas, I told my daughter and family that I wanted to take them to Cancun on vacation!

We found good airfare and we got a great deal on our hotel. My daughter and son-in-law had timeshare points that they had to redeem so we used them toward our hotel and as a result we're staying at a beautiful resort, in a 2bd suite with a kitchenette, living room, dining area, and a balcony with a cooling pool right on the deck. Sweet! It really saved us a lot of money and the pics of the resort look awesome.

We're planning on taking a couple of excursions: Tulum (Mayan ruins) and Xcaret (an eco park), places my daughter and I visited last time. Xcaret has these amazing underground rivers that you float through and can use snorkeling equipment to view the fish below.

Anyone who knows me and my love of dance won't be surprised to learn that one of my favorite parts of our trip last time was watching the dancing. Oh my! It seems like there was dancing everywhere we went. Beautiful, colorful costumes, passionate dancers, brilliant performances. One of my favorite traditional dances is what I called the Old Man Dance, with the dancers hobbling around with canes and imitating old men who were still trying to dance on their unsteady feet.

I think my favorite part of this trip, though, is just knowing the excitement and enjoyment I'll be seeing and sharing with my family. It just adds so much to the excitement I already feel. I can imagine my granddaughters snorkeling underground, watching the flashing feet of the dancers, seeing the ancient ruins ...

I'd best get back to packing! This is the first time I've used a passport; I obviously don't get to travel much. It just costs so much, but I really pinched my pennies the past year or so just so we could do this. I'm so very excited!

See you in a week!

Longing for home ... a poem

2009-05-31T14:21:00.000-07:00

I read the following poem recently and something in it moved me to tears. It speaks of strength and bravery, yet also of the longing for home and the wish for a life of peace with those we love. Home, peace, love, family - it speaks to our deepest desires.

I think it's beautiful and wanted to share it with you. Please enjoy.

I am a Greek warrior

Bold and strong

I fight with my allies

But I want to go home.

I miss the high hills

The small city-states

The olive groves

and the statues galore.

I've been fighting for years

But I'm just getting old.

The love of my life is sitting at home

Watching the baby I left all alone.

But the battles are over.

The wars are all done.

I'm a Greek warrior

And I'm on my way home.

Got some catchin' up to do!

2009-05-26T17:01:00.001-07:00

You'd think that since I'm between jobs right now that I'd post more frequently, huh? I thought I would be, too - ha! Here's a quick recap of the last couple of weeks:

Intentions:

I set some health intentions for myself when I was laid off: walk every day, lose weight, get more fit, continue the 3x-4x weekly yoga practice, prepare more of my own food. (My ultimate goal is to lose sufficient weight to get off the blood pressure meds ... which make me gain weight, by the way. Nice.)

I love my morning walks, listening to the birdsong, saying hello to neighbors, seeing the neighborhood gardens. Initially, it was kinda tough with the fibromyalgia and my twisted spine/spondylolisthesis, but I strap on my brace each morning and I've been able to expand my route a bit (1.25 miles, which is awesome for me) and I'm not in too much pain by the time I get home, so yippee for that! On the downside, after seven weeks of walking I lost exactly zero pounds. Zip, zilch, nada. When they say it's harder to lost weight when you're older, they ain't kidding. Know this and pay heed.

When I get home, I usually head to my courtyard garden, cutting sweetpeas and roses, deadheading geraniums, enjoying all the blooms. Yesterday morning, after watering, I spotted a hummingbird wiggling around on the leaves of the camellia like he was washing himself. So cute!

I also set some project goals, which aren't going so well yet. I have to-have to-have to finish up the bathroom and the office. Bathroom: remove uber-stubborn silicone adhesive remaining from border removal, touch up paint, rehang fixtures. Office: Paint, arrange furniture, get twin bed, hang shelves, bulletin board, touch up chalkboard walls.

Speaking of the office, the jasmine in the courtyard below is blooming like crazy and just fills the entire house - top and bottom - with fragrance. Intoxicating! Here's a shot from the office window showing the jasmine and how it climbs over the pergola directly below the office window; all that scent just wafts dreamily into the office:

Work: I've also been very busy the last couple of weeks helping friends with some Web and writing work. It's been great fun working with them! Time to get back to my own projects now.

Job Intentions: There's been some interest in my resume and I've had an interview for a wonderful opportunity. Mutual interest on both sides. We'll see what happens there. I've also submitted my resume for a couple of other companies with really solid work in interactive marketing. I have a preliminary interview scheduled this coming Monday with one. I hope it goes well! I really like their broad client list and the fact that they do one pro bono project a year for a non-profit organization. That shows the kind of heart that I can relate to.

Funeral: A close friend's mom passed away last week. It seems like I've written a lot of posts about deaths, doesn't it? This is the third one in three months. I hope it's the last one for 2009. The service was beautiful. She'd served as a military nurse in WWII and was given full military honors. As the honor guard was carefully and meticulously folding the American flag, I was impressed how there was no rushing, no sense of urgency; they were completely focused on the task at hand and nothing else mattered. I think the world needs more of that instead of the constant maddening distraction of cell phones and computers alerting us to the next thing. We rarely have time to just sit and daydream. Daydreaming is where we create and re-create, where we re-charge our batteries and refresh our spirits. Watching those young men honoring this woman with their full undivided attention as they carefully folded and creased, folded and creased made me breathe a little more slowly, slowed my own pace in my spirit. Slow me down, Lord.

Memorial Day: On Monday, Memorial Day, I went to the cemetery. I learned earlier in the week that we have 13 Civil War Veterans buried there. As I drove in, I saw all the American flags waving across the hills of the cemetery, a stirring sight. So many who have served our country with honor and dignity. After I polished my mom's headstone and cleared away some overgrown grass, I knelt to pray, thinking of my mom but also of the many lives that were being honored by the presence of those flags fluttering in the ocean breeze. I was glad that these people had graves and hadn't been cremated because I would miss seeing the flags on Memorial Day, a reminder of people and places and events bigger than me.

Namaste

Blessings to all Moms!

2009-05-09T23:56:00.000-07:00

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms, both here and those who have crossed over to the other side! Happy Mother's Day, Mom!

It is such a gift and a joy to be a mom to my daughter and a grandmother to my two granddaughters. I am grateful for the gifts of these beautiful beings in my life who lift my heart and bring forth such love that I never knew was possible before I became a mom. Motherhood is an amazing, chaotic, wonderful journey.

Motherhood doesn't come with instructions; it's a journey largely traveled on instinct and prayer. We read books, we talk with friends, but ultimately we trust our hearts to guide us to the answers we need in the moment. I almost said "to the right answers" but who really knows what the "right" answer is when raising kids? The physician's credo "First, do no harm." applies to parenthood, too, I think.

I read once that we are most like God when we create. God, who created the stars of the sky, the land, the oceans, the animals, plants and all of Creation, also chose to give women the gift of creating and nurturing new life from within our very bodies. For the nine months of pregnancy, I was in complete and total awe that there was a life within me, part of me, but separate from me, too. I'm still in awe. With a new life growing inside me, I often felt an incredible connection with the Creator who chose to give women the ability to carry new life.

My two granddaughters are sleeping here in my home right now. Beautiful. Funny. Smart. Creative. Words are insufficient to describe my love for them. "If I knew grandkids would be so great, I would've had them first."

My daughter and son-in-law are out for the evening, but will also come back here to spend the night. In the morning, we'll go to the beach for breakfast on the pier, looking out over the vast expanse of the ocean of God's creation. And I will look at this beautiful family and be filled with joy that we are all together, that we are happy, healthy and abundantly blessed.

I am just so happy to be a mom! I sometimes think about my own mom and how she lives on through me and my brothers, and through my daughter and now my granddaughters, a tree that will continue to grow with love. Thank you, Father, for the gift of my mom, for the gift of being a mom and for the gift of being a grandmother. I am so happy and so grateful!

Without a doubt ...

2009-05-08T01:19:00.000-07:00

It’s after 1am. Very quiet outside as I sit at my desk by the window. A helicopter flying overhead. The trickle of the fountain next door. These are the only sounds.

Then a cool breeze comes in through the window, brushing against my arms, wrapping around my legs, brushing through my hair, enveloping me in the night air from my head to my feet. Instinctively, I say “thank you, Father,” instinctively because it is naturally on my lips several times a day. “Thank you, Father.”

I pause and feel the embrace and allow the presence of the Divine to fill me in the quiet night. I feel Love envelop me. I feel Peace. I feel wholeness and completeness. I feel Grace. It’s good to just sit and absorb the sensation. Sitting in that space between heaven and earth, sensing that I’m a part of each, partly here, partly there.

Why is it that I have such a trusting faith? Why do I accept without question the presence of the Divine? Do you ever ask yourself those questions? I sometimes wonder where faith comes from. I don’t question at all whether the Divine exists; there is not the tiniest sliver of a doubt in my being that the Divine exists for me. But why am I so absolutely sure?

I’m not very Bible-smart; my faith doesn’t come just from the Good Book. There are so many interpretations and translations, words written for a specific time and place and audience and socio-political system. To honor those words and the Gospel message, they must be taken in context and not blindly applied without a full understanding and study.

So why do I accept without question the existence of God? I can be a doubting Thomas in many areas of life; I’m meticulous about getting the facts straight. Every chain e-mail is checked on Snopes. I check spelling on dictionary.com if I have the slightest doubt. As a QA Manager, my job was to verify and validate software requirements. “Trust, but verify.” And yet, without any empirical evidence to prove it, I believe fully and completely in the Divine … just on faith. If you’re a believer, do you ever wonder what it is that gives you that faith?

I believe we are each called to have our very own intimate relationship with the Divine … or not. That's between you and the Divine. Each of us has a different relationship; like snowflakes, no two are alike. I cannot tell you what to believe; I can only share what I believe. I don’t know your journey, your life experience, the way the Lord touches you in your soul. You own that, not me. I stay on my own mat. Whether you have a belief in the Divine or not is your personal journey.

Britt-Arnhild, who has a most wonderful and enriching blog, asked recently “What is your God like?” My answer:

My God is beyond definition, beyond boundaries! Wild, Alive, Joyful, Chaotic (God has no limits, after all), Light and Love, Wonder and Beauty. My God is not human, my God has no gender, but is pure in spirit. My God is the Divine that I see in all things and the Divine spirit I see within me.

My God is the breeze that floated in the office window right now on a cool, dark night and touched me with Love. I’ll go to sleep happy and content, trusting and at peace.

Love and Trust photos from Tracy