Merry Christmas, Mom

Merry Christmas, Mom! I took flowers to the cemetery last week. Gosh, the cemetery was so beautiful! It’s one of my favorite places during the holidays. There is more love to be experienced there than in any gaudily decorated mall. There were quite a few families putting up trees and decorations when I was there. Everywhere you could see the love that people put into decorating and including their loved ones in their holiday celebrations. Of course, we all know our loved ones aren’t lying there under the sod; you are all free from any physical encumbrances, no limitations imposed on you by a body any longer. But the cemetery gives us a very special place to gather, to share memories or to ponder alone. There is a sense of aliveness there, oddly enough, because the energy of love is just so powerful and the cemetery is filled with love. One family puts up a cardboard fireplace each year, hung with paper stockings with family names written on them; as new members join the family, new stockings join the others on the mantel. It always touches my heart; those are the kinds of things that always touched yours, too.

When I was cleaning your headstone and polishing it to a gleam, I noticed an incense stick stuck in the dirt around the stone again. That always touches me, too; someone (a stranger, I assume), lights incense and says prayers for you. I sometimes see the red stick in a couple of other graves, but not in all those that surround yours. Someone specifically chooses yours for their incense and prayers. That kind of thing would touch your heart, too, I know.

So, we had Christmas brunch at my place today. Steve offered to bring the food and make brunch for everyone. Ern and the Wesleys brought drinks and food, too. I love that everyone pitches in when they come over, like family always did at home when we had Christmas with you and Dad. There’s no sense of “host and guests;” it’s family all setting up the table, gathering chairs, helping to serve, lighting candles. (BTW, I sent Dad See’s chocolates for Thanksgiving; Amber and I sent him a Hickory Farms basket for Christmas. We didn’t hear from him for either occasion. I miss him so much, Mom, that I just have to try to not think of him too much. Please watch over him, OK?) Brianna wanted me to play Rudolph on the piano after we ate, so I played and some of them sang. Then I played Silver Bells for you since you always loved that. I’ve been playing your other favorites the last few days, too, like Little Drummer Boy, White Christmas and the carols.

I miss you, Mom, but I carry your love with me always. Just look at the beautiful family you started, mom to sons and daughter to granddaughter to great-granddaughters. Your presence is felt in every family celebration. I love you, Mom!

Five people, four dogs and work craziness

Whew! Whatta week! My family has been staying with me the past 5 weeks while they were between homes as they moved from one and waited for their new home to be renovated by their new landlord. First one granddaughter came, then the other, then my daughter and son-in-law with two dogs (a pit and a chihuahua), then the other two dogs (both pits) who had been staying with a friend. It’s really been very nice having them here and I feel so blessed to have been able to help them for a few weeks. They weren’t a bit of trouble, even with mattresses and four dog crates on the living room floor. My daughter made delicious meals each night, something I rarely get to enjoy when cooking for one; I could hug and kiss my grands and take them to school each day, and my son-in-law added joy and laughter to the mix.

So life has been a bit irregular around here, but still totally wonderful. This week, though, tempted to tip the apple cart. I work for an interactive marketing agency as a QA analyst; QA tests all the interactive properties (web sites, client sites, analytics work, mobile sites, dealer sites, search pages, etc.) for our client. (My office is dedicated to one client.) We started development on a huge project a few weeks ago, and this week, my team was to start testing the project.

Here’s how the week went: On Monday, I had to replace my water heater to the tune of $1200. Ugh. Tuesday morning, my boss quit, sending an email to management. Wednesday, I received a note that the other QA analyst in my office would be out the rest of the week. I had to do my job plus her job plus my boss’s job, plus ramp up for the big project, plus provide oversight for our QA team in Costa Rica. Friday, we suddenly got additional work that is due to launch on Monday (in addition to the big project). All I could do was tell myself “OK! Let’s do this!”

I am truly grateful for yoga that gives me the tools I need to keep me balanced in times like this. I can maintain a strong focus, not get overwhelmed, stay in the moment and take one thing at a time. I repeat to myself the phrase from “Peaceful Warrior” – Where am I? I am here. What time is it? Right now. I was able to manage it all, provide documents and test plans for the big project, manage testing efforts on the other projects (even when more work was added late on Friday), attend meetings, provide training, communicate with QA Directors in other offices – I got ‘er done. Thank you, yoga and Divine grace!

My daughter and her family moved into their new home on Friday. They left my home absolutely spotless, as if they’d never been here. I chuckle because my home looks so spacious and open now without mattresses and dog crates and clothing and suitcases – haha! Makes me appreciate my home even more.

Life is good, it’s wonderful, it’s kind and loving. I am happy for my daughter and family; their new home will be a wonderful new space for them to love and grow and enjoy their journey. And I’m grateful for the time spent together here and for the loving energy they leave lingering behind in my sacred space.

Namaste

Here I am …

Really? it’s been over a month since I’ve posted?

For some reason the past month has had less time than any given month usually has. Does that ever happen for you? One day sometimes seems a bit longer than normal, stretching out and extending every minute into the very fullest, maxed-out minutes ever. Then another day seems to have the shortest minutes ever dashed into time and space, the kind that surprise you as you watch the day speed by in a blur.

I’ve had a month of those teeny minutes, too-short days and just couldn’t fit it all in. I LOVE reading my favorite blogs and I haven’t even read any of them for weeks. Time to catch up! (I’m supposed to be doing my taxes right now, but I’d much rather check out what everyone’s been up to. You understand, right?)

First, thank you so much for those amazing comments on my last post about heaven being in the everyday moments. There is such beauty, grace, love and wisdom from each one of you. I bow (and hold it a few minutes. You really touch my heart. Namaste) If you didn’t read the comments, you might enjoy checking them out.

Laura - You mention angels among us. I regard you as one of them, gentle one. Your thoughts and honest wisdom always resonate with me.

Debra – Yes, there is true joy and peace found in the small, simple and everyday. Seeing the life force and beauty of a small stone or a bird’s song.

Darla – Goodness, but I always adore your loving enthusiasm! We are blessed!

Connie – I am so blessed by your friendship and so grateful for it. “Heaven is all around us - we only have to stop, look, listen and smell.” You’re part of my heaven.

Sharon – Glad you enjoyed the pics! I hope things are warming up and you’re enjoying your blue sunny skies!

Carol – Woods work, too! Any place with a life energy fits the bill, doesn’t it?

Roselle – I’m amazed and in awe that your life has been a message of angels and miracles. So wonderful that you realize it and acknowledge it! I think most of us experience heaven and miracles, but aren’t always open and aware of it. You have a grateful heart because you know.

Rebecca – “I believe that when we are at peace and when we feel loved, we tend to see the good that is out there.” I agree and concur! It’s interesting to me how two people can have the very same occurrence in their life, yet they can react to it in totally opposite directions, with one person grateful and blessed and the other person feeling unhappy or victimized. Peace and love (or lack of it) alter the experience. (( abrazos ))

Sheri – Thank you for the blog award! I learned much about you and share the same feeling about living near the water and about being truly, madly, deeply in love with life right now. SO AWESOME! You always always make me smile. I don’t usually do those lists myself, but for you, I will be very happy to make an exception – lol!

So, here I am … I’ve been doing some freelance writing for a website. Very cool project and I’m enjoying the content development. That’s part of the reason for my absence here; a lot of writing in the evenings or weekends.

And here I am … I’ve been trying to adopt a rescue dog for about two years and recently ramped up my efforts, checking petfinder.com daily, contacting organizations about specific dogs, completing applications and attending weekly dog adoption events at the pet supply stores. There are some great dogs out there! I’m allergic so have been focusing on non-allergenic breeds like Havanese, Maltese, etc. No luck so far, but I’m sure the time will come when “my” dog will present itself somehow. I think the organizations prefer to place the dogs in homes where they won’t be left alone the entire day. I understand that and I’m being patient. I totally trust that I’ll have my dog when I’m supposed to have her. I’m happy and grateful already knowing that there will be a four-legged companion in my life for me to love and care for. Peaceful and content.

And here I am … My daughter, son-in-law and two granddaughters have been living about 50 miles away from me for the past few years. Good news: They’re moving back to Huntington Beach! I’m so thrilled! They’ll only be 2.5 miles from me; we can ride bikes back and forth on the weekends. Their landlord is totally sprucing up their new home; everything should be complete May 1. They’re moving out of their current home next weekend 4/9 and will just stay with me for a few weeks before their move-in. This way the girls can get into school here for the last couple of months. Jasmine (14) moved in with me last weekend; Brianna (10) will be here this Wednesday; we’ll move ‘em next weekend (their stuff will go in the garage of their new place for now) and then everyone will be here. My usually peaceful home will be fun and funny and filled with family. I’m so happy they’re coming back to HB!

And now I’m off to catch up with you all! Those taxes can wait …

Giddy!

Giddy, giddy, giddy!  I get so giddy with anticipation as Advent comes to an end and we approach Christmas! I love Advent (see previous post) and all the inner work and calm presence that it provides. But I find myself yearning for the fireworks and happy joy that is Christmas!

I’m restless, anticipatory, finding it difficult to live in the present moment because I’m looking ahead to Saturday, planning my trip to my daughter’s home … then my brother’s … then my Dad’s; envisioning everyone opening the presents that I’ve chosen for each of them. Giving gifts is one of the best parts of Christmas! (Being together with those we love is the best.) I try to put careful thought into the presents and that makes it all the more delicious when I see the recipient’s happy smiles and I know I’ve hit the mark. Yippee!

I took a vacation day today and I’m glad I had a lot to do with my restless self. In the morning, I had two lab tests: bone densitometry and mammogram. Both went smoothly; in and out in an hour. Stopped at Trader Joe’s to pick up a few things and bought a pretty bouquet to take to the cemetery for my mom. After the cemetery, I had a hair appointment in the afternoon. Full day and kept me busy.

The cemetery at Christmas is absolutely THE most festive and joyful place to be! Christmas decor explodes in a riot of color and sparkle all over the hills of Good Shepherd. It’s been raining for the last 5 days, but today was nice and clear so there were a lot of families there putting up their holiday decorations; everyone working together, chatting, being family. Red, white and yellow poinsettias in big, foil-covered pots; white picket fences with gold, silver and colored garlands; cardboard fireplaces; giant red-and-white candy canes; angels, snowmen, Santas, wreaths. And the Christmas trees everywhere! Brightly, joyfully decorated with ornaments and garland wound round and round. I wish I could take pics of it all and share with you but it really has to be experienced in person. One family puts up a large cardboard fireplace and hangs stockings on it with each family member’s name; each year, more and more stockings are added to the fireplace. It always moves me; their family clearly consists of those who are still here physically as well as their loved one who crossed over.

And that’s the other beauty of the cemetery: you can feel the air almost vibrating with all the love there! I wish I could share it with you; it’s utterly amazing and always stops me for a moment as I become accustomed to the vibration there. I believe that when we think of others with love in our hearts, we often create a strong, loving connection to them in spirit, whether they’re with or without a physical body. (When my daughter was a child, if we were apart, I’d think of her or she’d think of me with love and the other would feel it with absolute certainty. My mom did that, too, all my life, and even now I sense her loving presence at times.) The physical sense doesn’t matter; it’s temporary anyway and can get in the way of the deepest connections we can make. The forever part of our selves—our spirits—are joined in a beautiful wave of love.

It’s that love connection that makes the air vibrate, I think. As people decorate with their families, they’re loving those who are with them, they’re loving those who have gone ahead of them, they’re remembering their ancestors and their people, where they’ve come from, where they’ve been. It’s all infused with a powerful, abiding, enduring love. The connections blend and blur, filling the air, the earth, the sky, the decorations, the Christmas trees. It’s an amazing experience; I think it’s especially powerful there because ALL those people are gathered there on behalf of loved ones, thinking, remembering and creating a whole lot of love energy concentrated all in one place. Even after they’ve left, that palpable energy remains in the places they’ve been. I’m really glad we still have cemeteries where so many can gather to generate this amazing and loving experience.

I hadn’t been to the cemetery since July when I broke my ankle. Mom’s headstone was in sore need of polishing and the leaves needed to be cleared off. I tried to pry the flower vases from the holes in the ground but they were tightly and stubbornly stuck. I wrestled and wrestled with them until one of the cemetery workers driving by stopped to help, using his shovel to pull the vases out and then to clear the overgrown grass around them. I was grateful for his kind help and wished him a Merry Christmas as he smiled, waved and drove away. I arranged my flowers, cleared away the grass and polished and polished Mom’s headstone until it gleamed. I knelt and prayed, sending her love, sending love to my tios and tias, my abuelos, my cousins and friends who have all gone ahead, adding to the existing loving energy in that place. My restlessness became a calmer, quieter, loving giddiness. Filled with love from all that energy, I’m soooooo ready for Christmas.

Namaste

Ego and a broken ankle

Attractive, isn’t it? Thursday at work I slipped on a paper that had dropped on the ground, my right leg sliding forward while my left leg and ankle twisted up behind me. (Thankful that I’m flexible and can do splits.) Yowza! It hurt something fierce so I just sat there on the ground for a few moments, making jokes with co-workers who had gathered, putting my arms up in the air with a brave “Ta-da!”

I thought it was just twisted and some ice and elevation would help. By the end of the day, it was still hurting pretty badly. Several co-workers offered to help me, but I kept saying “Thanks so much, it’ll be OK.” When I tried to walk, though, I realized I might need a little help. One friend helped me to the elevator so I wouldn’t have to take the stairs and another drove me to my car. “Are you sure you can drive?” “Oh, yeah, I’ll be OK.” “Call me if you feel you need to pull over and I’ll get you.” “Thanks! I’ll be OK.”

I have a manual transmission, a stick shift, a clutch. It was NOT OK. Every time I had to depress the clutch was like sending electric shocks of pain shooting through my ankle and leg. It actually felt crunchy. Stop-and-go traffic on the freeway didn’t help. “Turn green … turn green … turn green …” I said at every light after I got off the freeway.

I drove to the after-hours clinic, hobbling up to the door. “I’m sorry, the doctor just left. There’s another clinic across the street.” I hobbled back to the car and drove to the other clinic. “Do you need a wheelchair?” My first inclination was to say No, I’ll be OK, but the wheelchair sounded pretty good by then, so I accepted.

X-rays showed that I’d fractured the bone about two inches above the ankle, an unusual break according to the doctor and x-ray tech. When they found that I’d driven myself almost 20 miles on a broken ankle, they looked at me like I was a crazy person. “How are you getting home?” “I’ll drive myself.” Again, the crazy looks. “Do you have anyone at home to help you?” “No, but I’ll be OK.” Again, with the looks and comments like “You’re very strong.”

Thankfully, my daughter called me when I was preparing to drive home and said she and her hubs were in the area (they live 50 miles away) and would drive me home. I accepted. Being strong at this point wouldn’t be too smart. I had to accept help.

This is a good lesson for me. Like the other strong women I know, I am stubbornly independent. Being a single parent taught me to stand on my own two feet and get 'er done without asking others for help. I could always figure it out and take care of things. So it's very difficult for me to accept any help from others. I never want to impose on others or have them go out of their way on my account.

One of the things I’ve been working on is releasing the ego and I see this as part of the lesson. It’s ego that makes me rush to help others, but not accept help when I need it. It’s humbling to accept help from others; even more humbling to ask for help. But I have to. Humility is a good lesson to learn. I have to put aside ego, do what I can reasonably do and allow others to help me with the rest.

My daughter and her family brought me dinner on Friday night and stayed to visit. My precious friend Vicki is lending me her car (automatic) while she’s in Scotland. Her daughter/my goddaughter Taylor took my laundry upstairs for me when they brought the car over. My brother has offered to let me stay at his place where I can use their downstairs suite. The bedrooms are upstairs in my home and navigating the stairs is challenging; I’ve learned to go down on my butt. So I’m going to go and stay with him and his wife for a few days. My neighbor just called and left a message offering to help, too.

I’m being humbled but I’m learning. And I’m grateful this is temporary.

Namaste

Happy children make for happy moms

                 

              

The saying goes “If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” As a mom (and Nana), what makes me happy is knowing that my daughter is happy and that my granddaughters are happy. The greatest delights of my life as a mom are seeing and sharing in those moments of pure joy for my daughter. I’d get goose-bumpy with all-over happiness listening to her tinkly peals of laughter while playing with her baby toes. I’d grin from my face to my heart seing her happy surprise the first time she rode a bike, or rode a wave. And through tears, I’ve soared with abundant gratitude witnessing her happy glow as she walked down the aisle to marry the man she loved, or sharing in her experience of becoming a new mom.

Moms aren’t happy when their children aren’t happy. We worry, we become the protective mama bear, we want to fix it and make it better. If mama’s babies ain’t happy, mama ain’t happy. (And they’re always our babies, no matter how grown-up they get.)

Happy children make for happy moms, and I feel so richly blessed that my daughter is happy, with a good life, good husband and wonderful daughters, who are such happy, sparkling little girls. She’s a wonderful young woman. I am a very happy mom. Thank you, God. And thank you again, God. I am so so very grateful. And happy. Did I mention that I’m a very happy mom?

Wishing all moms (and those who mother) the rich blessings of happiness with your own children.

And now, a very funny video moms can really appreciate:

It was 20 years ago …

On February 24, 1990, Mom’s physical body died of a massive heart attack, releasing her spiritual self fully, no longer tethered and limited by the physical needs and limitations of a flesh -and-blood body. It’s hard to imagine what that moment of release must be like, but I sense that it’s a glorious and wonderful moment of immense joy and love. I hope it was—and is—that way for Mom and for all our loved ones who have loosed their earthly bonds and transcended the physical world. 

There are those who believe this physical life is all there is and there’s nothing after the body dies. That’s their personal truth. My personal truth is what C. S. Lewis wrote:

“You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.”

It occurred to me earlier that when Mom was alive, our relationship was with both of us in physical form; pretty easy to communicate. Currently, one of us is in a physical body and one of us purely spiritual energy; more challenging to communicate. Eventually, our relationship will be with both of us in purely spiritual form; this will probably be the easiest to communicate, with no egos involved, just pure love. That will be pretty incredible, assuming that I have any of this right at all. It’s just something I got a sense of earlier and it seemed like an interesting thought to consider.

Senses – For those who are sensitive to such things, have you ever noticed that sometimes a scent, or a taste, or a touch of breeze can suddenly bring to mind someone who has crossed over? For me, it’s often through my senses that I get a sense of a loved one’s presence. Sometimes, though, there’s no obvious trigger that causes me to sense someone. I’ll be doing something random and my Tia will pop into my head and cause me to smile, sensing her love and maybe smelling her tortillas on the stove. On Saturday, one of my little cousins was wearing a dress with a bow in back and I sensed my Tio Luis and remembered—as if it was happening in present time—how I always preferred that he tie the bow on my dress as a little girl. His brown workman’s fingers were gnarled and twisted; that’s just the way I always knew them, even when he was playing piano. I didn’t know what arthritis was and never really gave a thought as to why his fingers were like that. But with those crooked, bent fingers he’d take his time and tie a big, full, absolutely perfectly straight bow on my dress. Gorgeous!

I took flowers to the cemetery on Sunday to honor my mom and the anniversary of her passage. A lot of people don’t like cemeteries; many say we should bring flowers while our loved ones are still alive. I did bring Mom flowers, and other gifts, too, during her world life. (I read that the Sufis distinguish between “world life” and “soul life.”) One of the first gifts I chose and bought for her was a small plastic statue of the Virgin bought from the religious goods store after catechism one Saturday morning. In my mind, I can still see it on the windowsill where it sat for years and years. Over time, we used to buy one another “for no reason” gifts; I’d see a vase I think she’d like, she’d see a sweater perfect for me. (She was always trying to get me to wear a sweater.)

Since she’s living her soul life, though, I can’t buy her a Mother’s Day card or a vase or a pair of earrings. (What use would she have for these anyway?) But I can honor her by taking flowers to the place where we buried the body she used to hold me, to kiss me, to care for me and for all she loved. And I can sit in the sun, scrubbing her headstone with love and respect, spraying it with polish and rubbing and rubbing until the stone is gleaming. I can clear out the overgrown grass and leaves, put fresh water in the container and trim the flower stems to fit. I can kneel and pray and thank her for her presence in my life, for the way she taught me about the Divine and about love, and good times with family and friends. I can let the sun warm my skin … and I can sense her presence when I feel the breeze unexpectedly growing stronger and running through my hair as I kneel and pray—a caress from my mom, my beloved mom. My heart fills with love. 

Dad and Daughter

There's something like a line of gold thread running through a man's words when he talks to his daughter, and gradually over the years it gets to be long enough for you to pick up in your hands and weave into a cloth that feels like love itself. ~John Gregory Brown

Pic above: Dad's high school graduation portrait. He and the other boys in his graduating class each borrowed the photographer's jacket and tie for their portraits.

I spent a wonderful Friday afternoon at my Dad's house, just talking and being together (along with his wife), catching up on things, sharing memories, being present to one another. I count myself enormously blessed to still have him with us. He was born in 1929 and will be 80 this year. Mom crossed over in 1990, and we all miss her so much; I can't even think of Dad's crossing over without tearing up. I pray he lives many more years; he's had a couple of strokes, which have affected his memory, and as he says, he "can't hear worth a darn." He's been recently diagnosed with depression, probably because of his wife's own health challenges. He mourned so deeply when Mom crossed over and I'm sure he doesn't want to go through it again.

Pic above: Dad about 20 yrs. old

He's always been my hero, my champion, the most hard-working man I've ever known. He always worked two jobs throughout my childhood, rising very early, coming home very late, stopping home for a quick dinner between jobs. I had ballet lessons and piano lessons, one brother had trumpet lessons and a beautiful Besson trumpet, another brother played sports, paid for by Dad's long hours to ensure his family had what we needed to excel in life.

Pic above: Dad's ship, the USS Ernest G. Small. My youngest brother is named for the ship.

Dad's a quiet man with a wicked sense of humor and a multitude of catchphrases that always make me smile. My cousin Patsy's told me that when thinks of him, she always remembers his sayings, like "she looks like 40 miles of bad road."

His mom was half Apache and people can see the Native American in him. I asked him yesterday what his father was; "Good for nothing", he said, and left it at that. His father was an abusive man who did some pretty horrible things to all in the family. I think Dad's quiet strength comes as a result of a very hard childhood.

Pic above: Dad's Navy portrait

He loved being in the Navy, he's told me, and loved to be out at sea, away from everyone. I'm so much like him in that way, very comfortable in my own company, not one for big crowds and commotion, very calm and peaceful. I once painted an oil painting for him of a flowing river, because that's what he reminds me of: a smoothly flowing river, constant and calming.

Pic above: Some of Dad's medals and a letter from the Korean government commemorating his service in the Korean War.

As the only daughter, Dad may have spoiled me just a bit. For every ballet performance, he always brought me pink roses. When Mom would get frustrated with trying to teach me to cook or crochet or sew, she'd send me outside with a terse "Go outside and help your father!" My love of gardening developed because of him; I could spend hours digging in the dirt with him. Sweetpeas are my favorite flower because of the abundance of vines he grew against the chainlink fence in the backyard.

My Dad's my hero, my champion; a man of strong integrity, polite manners, a good, noble heart, kindness and gentleness, strong faith. I'm proud of him, and I adore and love him with all my heart.

Blessings to all Moms!

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms, both here and those who have crossed over to the other side! Happy Mother's Day, Mom!


It is such a gift and a joy to be a mom to my daughter and a grandmother to my two granddaughters. I am grateful for the gifts of these beautiful beings in my life who lift my heart and bring forth such love that I never knew was possible before I became a mom. Motherhood is an amazing, chaotic, wonderful journey.

Motherhood doesn't come with instructions; it's a journey largely traveled on instinct and prayer. We read books, we talk with friends, but ultimately we trust our hearts to guide us to the answers we need in the moment. I almost said "to the right answers" but who really knows what the "right" answer is when raising kids? The physician's credo "First, do no harm." applies to parenthood, too, I think.

I read once that we are most like God when we create. God, who created the stars of the sky, the land, the oceans, the animals, plants and all of Creation, also chose to give women the gift of creating and nurturing new life from within our very bodies. For the nine months of pregnancy, I was in complete and total awe that there was a life within me, part of me, but separate from me, too. I'm still in awe. With a new life growing inside me, I often felt an incredible connection with the Creator who chose to give women the ability to carry new life.

My two granddaughters are sleeping here in my home right now. Beautiful. Funny. Smart. Creative. Words are insufficient to describe my love for them. "If I knew grandkids would be so great, I would've had them first."

My daughter and son-in-law are out for the evening, but will also come back here to spend the night. In the morning, we'll go to the beach for breakfast on the pier, looking out over the vast expanse of the ocean of God's creation. And I will look at this beautiful family and be filled with joy that we are all together, that we are happy, healthy and abundantly blessed.

I am just so happy to be a mom! I sometimes think about my own mom and how she lives on through me and my brothers, and through my daughter and now my granddaughters, a tree that will continue to grow with love. Thank you, Father, for the gift of my mom, for the gift of being a mom and for the gift of being a grandmother. I am so happy and so grateful!

conversations with Dad ...

My dad had knee replacement surgery this past Thursday. Seventy-nine years old, the cartilage in his left knee was gone and his knee was just bone rubbing on bone. Dad has always had a very high pain threshold; never complaining, the kind of man who would just tough it out. He always kind of reminded me of Clint Eastwood in the sense of being very much an honorable, strong man, but warmer and funnier than the Clint of the old spaghetti westerns.

After work Thursday night, I drove the hour-plus to visit him in the hospital. His wife had just left for the day; my brother and sister-in-law had been by earlier. At a little past 7pm, it was just him and I. I love the times that he and I get to spend together with no one else around. We gab and gab and laugh and gab and laugh some more. The conversation always flows, no awkward pauses or anything, just a natural flow of conversation. We connect so naturally, so fluidly. He needed some pain meds that first night, so I used the button that dispenses .2mg into his IV and showed him how he could do it himself.

My mom was the sort of person that everyone naturally loved and gravitated to. She was friendly, lively, gregarious and could tell stories better than anyone I know. Dad was always a bit more shy and reserved; he was content to let her be the center at gatherings. But he has a wickedly funny sense of humor. Often at family events, I'd be in the background with him and he would absolutely have me in stitches until we were both doubled over in laughter, tucked away in some corner of the party.

He always worked two jobs when we were growing up, a full-time day job and then a part-time night job, always rising early even though he'd worked late into the night. I had ballet lessons and piano lessons due to his hard work. Every time I play the piano now, I say a blessing for both him and my mom.

After mom crossed over, my daughter and I spent a lot of time with him, doing laundry at his house every Thursday, sometimes meeting for Sunday breakfast. For a couple of years, the three of us all volunteered at a soup kitchen every Saturday. He and my daughter/his granddaughter often sat on the sofa with her snuggled up against him, his arm wrapped lovingly around her as they watched TV or talked. So comfortable and cozy with one another. He gave her away when she married.

After he remarried, he took on a new family with his new wife and her grandkids who came to live with them. He devoted himself to them just as he'd devoted himself to us as we grew up, but it meant, too, that we saw less of him, and it was rare that we spent time with him alone. I call him every week, though, and it's wonderful to just have that time with him.

In the past year, two uncles on my mom's side crossed over (Uncle Alfred and Uncle Art), several months apart. I drove Dad with me to their funerals and there we were again, talking and laughing, enjoying the presence of one another, so comfortable, so very happy together. The first man that I ever loved, the one who sets the standard for me of a man's dignity and honor, of faith and devotion, of family and love.

I went to the hospital again on Saturday, staying from 5 until after 11pm. His wife and her family all left the hospital around 7, so it was just him and me in the evening. I absolutely love doing things for him, but I also know he doesn't like to be fussed over; not because he doesn't enjoy it, but because he never wants to impose his own needs on others. Nonetheless, I had the opportunity to help him with little things: getting him water, talking with the nurses and with the doctor about his condition and needs, strapping on the booties after he'd visited the restroom, tucking his blankets ... just little things to help make him comfortable.

And we talked and talked, laughing and talking. We talked about politics, news, the economy, our new president-elect; about jobs he'd had, memories we share, about things I didn't know from the past. I'd printed out a few things that I thought he might enjoy: some e-mail funnies, my Veteran's Day blog post and an article about his old Naval ship, the Ernest G. Small. I brought him a Newsweek; we've always discussed politics in our family and this issue had some great in-depth reporting on the recent presidential campaigns that I knew he'd appreciate. We watched Cops together, amazed at the criminals' behaviors and excuses, respectful of the jobs the officers have to do. Dad had wanted to be a police officer at one point in his life and has an abundance of respect for the work.

He's doing really well after the surgery; he took a walk in the corridor today with a therapist using a walker. He had no pain at all when I spoke to him earlier this evening. I asked him if he'd like for me to come up tonight. (It's an hour's drive from my house to the hospital.) But in his usual, thoughtful way, he said "No, no. You need your rest. You have to go to work in the morning. But thank you. And thank you for staying so long with me last night."

I'll go again to visit him on Tuesday night after work, hoping selfishly that it can be just him and I again, talking and laughing together, sharing the love of a father and his only daughter. I'm abundantly blessed by having him as my father, and I never take this gift for granted. Thank you, God.

~Namaste
Photo: Dad and I on my wedding day, 1974

"Today is my birthday!"

"Today is my birthday!" I've been happily telling everyone today (Friday, February 15). I've just felt so glowingly happy today, like a 7-year-old at her birthday party. I brought brownies in to work and asked everyone to help me celebrate my birthday. I got such nice notes and in-person birthday wishes from folks. Our Flex programming superstar even brought me a Starbucks mocha and a hug. *smile*

Daughter and granddaughters all sent birthday wishes. Daughter's went someting like "Happy birthday to you! cha-cha-cha! Happy birthday to you! cha-cha-cha! ... " and ended with "Smooches!" The grands love those Hoops and Yo-Yo Hallmark e-cards, so I got some great chuckles from the e-cards they sent, too. (I'm grinning right now; those cards are so silly-silly, you can't help it. Go take a look ... ) My brothers, my dad, cousins, various friends - all sent greetings, cards, gifts. I belong to an online group and the great members there posted absolutely wonderfully uplifting greetings! Those really gave a lift to my heart today, too!

I worked until 7:30, then went to church for a Lenten presentation on living your faith out loud. It started at 7, so I missed nearly an hour of it, but the last hour was pretty wonderful. Very entertaining talk by an enormously entertaining Irish priest. Irish priests always seem to be able to tell the best stories! My dear friend was there; my goddaughter (her daughter) was there, too, and I told my goddaughter's friends "Today's my birthday!" and they laughed and gave me hugs, too.

The priest told a story that pretty much sums up the way I've felt today, a story about the real gifts a person receives. The good wishes, the books, CDs, cards, gift baskets - they aren't the real gift. They are expressions of the real gift. The real gift is the thoughtfulness of others, the time and care they took to extend themselves to me. They could have continued about their day with no harm done. But, instead, they reached out with thoughtful kindness and expressed the loveliest sentiments; they took a moment to engage with another human being to try to make a person happy and bring a smile to my face. The human family is just pretty darned wonderful.

For years, I never made a big deal about my birthday - seldom told anyone, barely acknowledged it myself. Boy, was I missing out! For the last couple of years, I've been celebrating and telling everyone with excitement "Today is my birthday!" There is so much joy in saying that and in seeing others engage in the excitement of a birthday. I think people actually like to wish others a "Happy Birthday!" You can't tell someone "Happy Birthday!" without smiling yourself! It's just such a warm fuzzy, isn't it?

It's just been a marvelous day, from beginning to end. Happy Birthday to me! yay! yay!

Fire's progression

I want to start first by expressing my appreciation to those who have asked for updates and expressed their caring thoughts. I recognize that we live in a time of short attention spans (me included) and that it's hard to give much extended attention to something that doesn't personally affect you. So thank you thank you thank you for sticking with this so far.

Here's something that I personally find enormously ineresting (did someone sound the geek alarm?): http://www.ocregister.com/multimedia/fires_07/

On this map, you can see the beginning of the fire perimeter and the point of origin on Sunday, Oct. 21. Move the slider to Monday, Oct. 22 and you can see how very quickly this fire spread - like wildfire! - due to the high, hot, dry winds that rapidly scattered flames in all directions. Keep moving the slider through each day and you can see the enormous effect that lighter winds, cooler temperatures and the enormous efforts by firefighting personnel have had in slowing the progression each day.

Current status (as of this morning, Wed. Oct. 31):

• Fire continues to move east and north
• About 200 homes still threatened; 15 homes destroyed
• Mandatory evacuations continue for several canyon areas
• Acres burned: Approximately 28,445
• Containment: 90 percent
• Full containment expected: Sunday
• Full control: unknown
• Firefighters on scene: 1,948 firefighters, 167 engines/trucks, 32 handcrews, 18 bulldozers. 634 officers from the Orange County Sheriff's Department. 100-plus officers from California Highway Patrol
• Aircraft: 12 helicopters, 8 air tankers, 13 water tenders
  

This gives an idea of the enormous number of resources currently deployed to the fire that's been burning for 11 days now. (There are still 5-6 other fires - out of the original 20 - that are still burning.) Ash in the burned areas is as much as a foot deep. They want to light backfires in the unburned brush in the rugged, steep hillsides near the northeast corner of the perimeter in an effort to destroy any fuel that could reignite the wildfire. This is necessary in anticipation of high winds that are expected on Friday. We're having a lot of humidity, though, and the brush is too wet to burn, so we're hoping for lower humidity to light the backfires and burn the brush in a controlled manner before Friday.

If all goes well, the fire may be contained by Friday. In addition to the fully burning areas, there continue to be dozens of small and large fires - random hot spots - throughout the rugged and nearly inaccessible terrain that they are fighting. In the topo map above, I've circled the area of my daughter's home in Lake Elsinore, with the wildnerness of the Cleveland National Forest between her and the fire. The fire is still 8 miles away and isn't advancing as before. We're so grateful.

***
Today's simple pleasure: No more smoke smell in the office - woo-hoo!

Fire Update - cautiously optimistic ...

Thurs. night, Oct. 25, 2007

Big, big, BIG thank yous to all of you who have commented and are praying along with us for all those affected and praying the fire is contained soon.

The change in weather today is really helping. Last Sunday, the fire spread 15,000 acres in 24 hours, but now, it's only spread 1500 acres over the last 24 hours. They're saying they might have it fully contained by Tuesday. The weather is much cooler and I could see the sky today - hurray! More moisture in the air, too; we even had a two-minute drizzle this afternoon. Cooler weather and lighter winds really help our firefighters in their battle of these blazes.

The science of firefighting is really amazing to me. They've set up a fire command post in a public park, with the firefighters living, eating, showering, sleeping there for now. Those in command are very strategic in how they fight a fire like this, now that it's less chaotic than when it was first blazing and the Santa Ana winds were sending flames leaping in every direction. To counteract the fires going down the hills into the canyons, they're lighting backfires to go up the hill in Silverado Canyon, so the two directions will hopefully consume one another. They've sprayed foam fire retardant on the ridge top to help contain it and have dropped fire retardant along 2.5 miles of the county line. (Lots of cell phone transmission towers on the ridgetop.) Eighteen bulldozer crews have dug about five miles of firebreak line at the northeast edge, with about ten more miles to dig. The fire will continue to burn within that area; lots of "ancient fuels" - old growth forest - in Cleveland National Forest due to the fact that we don't have a lot of recent fire history there. It's still a threat and the mandatory evacuation order in Silverado Canyon is still in place; fire is too unpredictable to take any chances. The slower advance of the fire makes me hopeful, though, that it won't reach my daughter's home before they're able to contain it.

In a news conference this afternoon, Gov. Schwarzenegger commended all those who have worked so hard in fighting these fires. (I last heard there are still 10 burning throughout SoCal.) He also commended all the volunteers: people who have brought food, supplies; nurses, doctors, cooks - so many people helping in so many ways either through volunteer command posts or individual efforts. Children's Hospital of Orange County (CHOC) sent a breathmobile to help those dealing with reactions from breathing our smoke-filled air all week. The insurance companies have been issuing announcements as to how to contact them for claims. One resident has already received a check from his insurance company for the loss of his home, and the insurance company has people in the field contacting homeowners proactively.

The governor also said they'd prosecute to the fullest extent any arsonists (two fires, including the Santiago, are cited as arson,; two others are deemed suspicious), looters, scam artists, fraudulent contractors and loan agents. There's already been a number of arrests of people taking advantage of others' tragedy. The ATF arrested several scam artists and in doing so, found that some were wanted for attempted murder, too. Our government dollars at work in such a positive way.

So, we're hopeful, and praying the weather continues to be good. Thank you for your continued support. It's good to know that I can count on friends for kindness and prayers.

********

Today's simple pleasure: Seeing raindrops on the patio!

Photos: Sullivan, Yamanaka, Vasconcellos - Orange County Register

Fire - Please pray for my daughter and family

My daughter just sent me the following article link:
http://www.pe.com/digitalextra/metro/wildfires/stories/PE_News_Local_D_west26.3dbf8f8.html

We didn't think it would be getting so close, but the arson-caused Santiago fire continues to grow; winds are still unpredictable, although, thank God they aren't blasting the way they were. Her home is in Lake Elsinore near Temescal Canyon, in the hills of Cleveland National Forest with open wilderness all around; the forest is right behind her backyard. They've closed my granddaughters' school for today. I'm praying that since some of the other fires are under control more firefighter and water-dropping planes can be deployed out here to the growing Santiago fire.

Please help me pray that this gets contained soon. And that they find that arsonist. The reward is now up to $250,000.

********
Today's simple pleasure: Knowing that my daughter and family are safe today.