rollercoaster ...

It's been kind of a rollercoaster week.

Tuesday was the anniversary of my mom's passing. Most times when I think of her (nearly every day), I feel love and light; I see her smile, hear her laughter, feel her amazing energy and remember how she drew people to her with her humor, openness and generosity. But on Feb. 24 - even after all these years - I feel a disturbance in my spirit, even before I realize what day it is. When I scan my feelings to see what's causing this, I remember, and the memories of that day come flooding back. The prayers - bargains with God - as I rushed to the hospital, then the completely falling-apart sense of utter and devastating loss as I was told she was gone. Touching her face, sending her love, my entire being flooded with tears.

Tuesday was also the day that my manager told me that I was being rolled off the account that I'd been on since I started there. We've had some layoffs and I knew we still had to cut back more, so it wasn't completely unexpected. I was told to transition my work to another Project Manager and that the company was looking for another account that could use me. In the meantime, I knew I wasn't going to be billable, and in an agency, it's all about being billable. You don't bring in any money sitting on the bench; people need to perform billable work. I was hopeful they'd find an account that could use my skills, hopefully something meaty and engaging that I could really contribute to.

On Thursday, my cousin passed away. May he rest in peace, free from pain and discomfort, once again a light-filled spirit. This made it an even tougher week emotionally. (His services are on Wednesday; if you read this before then, please say a prayer for the family.)

Mom, work, my cousin - by Thursday afternoon, I was turning inward more, like a wounded animal that goes to the cave to heal alone. I consider it a privilege and an honor to have an opportunity to help a friend; as a little girl, I remember praying in church that God would provide me with ways in which I could show my love for Him by sharing His love with others. He has graced my life by answering that little-girl prayer. But I have a really tough time asking for personal support from others. I'm independent; I do for myself. I don't want to burden others with my troubles; everyone has their own to worry about.

On Friday, my last day on the account, we were going out for a girls-only happy hour. I'd been "in my head" most of the week, and I was looking forward to going out with everyone; I could use a little diversion. They are an amazingly wonderful group of women; all very intelligent, very professional, high achievers - just really quality people in every way. And sooooo funny! We have a great big, happy, joy-filled friendship among us, a strong team who share and genuinely care about one another. We support one another whenever someone needs a hand on a project; we lend an ear and a shoulder when someone needs it; we celebrate happy occasions.

As we left the office for happy hour, everyone went over to C's SUV and they told me to come over, too. They were trying to get a beach cruiser bike out of the back of her SUV. It was gorgeous: lime green, white basket, shiny and new. Wow - I've been wanting a cruiser for the last 10 years. I kept oohing and aahing, assuming that C had picked it up for one of the girls and they were going to put it in her car, lucky girl.

They pulled it out, set it on the ground, smiled and told me "Get on it."

What? ...

After a heartbeat's pause, I looked at them, stunned. And then the waterworks started. These beautiful, wonderful friends had pitched in and bought me the most awesome beach cruiser in the world for my last day on the team. (Just got a little teary again ...) My stomach is still doing flip-flops, completely and utterly amazed at the hugeness of their generosity and thoughtfulness.

Words are inadequate to express how I feel about this. I am enormously humbled. I would have been grateful for a goodbye card signed by them all. Oh - they gave me that, too, with the most beautiful personal messages from each of them.

I dreamed about my bike that night. I loved my old beach cruiser. My daughter and I used to ride all the time - down the beach, to her school - the ocean breeze blowing our hair, watching the sun set on the ocean. Riding a bike is such simple, pure fun! And my new bike is absolutely the best cruiser I've ever had. 1000 times better than any I've ever had. There's even a cute white basket. And a silk rose attached to the handlebars. And my wonderful friends gave me a rose-designed bell for the handlebars and rose stickers, too.

It's been a rollercoaster week, starting off on a downhill slide. But beautiful friends did a beautiful thing, sharing their hearts to do something extraordinarily generous and nice. I feel so blessed that we are present in one another's lives right now. We all click. I don't believe I've ever had such a tight bond with friends at work like this. It's kind of magical and amazing. It all feels so right and perfect.

Now to think of a name of my bike.

Namaste.

Cinderfella, plus some garden pics

I read that Jerry Lewis was to receive an award at the Oscars tonight. I loved Jerry Lewis! His characters were goofy, sweet, vulnerable, funny. And in a couple of movies (Cinderfella, The Nutty Professor), we got to see him morph into another version of himself: suave, sexy, appealing on a different level. In the Cinderfella clip, he confidently snaps his foot as he takes the first few steps down the staircase, all eyes on his every move. Such attention to detail. He was also a technological pioneer in the movie-making industry. And of course everyone knows of his tireless telethon work on behalf of "Jerry's Kids."

I love movies of this era, late 50s/early 60s. There's a hopefulness in them, a sense that - despite obstacles - we've just got to keep our chin up and figure out how to make the best of things. The kind of Lil' Rascals "C'mon kids, let's put on a show" cheerful optimism or the Pollyanna "Glad Game" resilience to tragedy that movies had then. I don't watch violent movies, action-packed movies, car chase movies, Ben Stiller/Jim Carrey; they're just not my thing. Give me a movie with a decently entertaining story of goodness and integrity, throw in some laughter, add a dash of a love story (but keep everyone's clothes on), add in a fun twist ... and I'll get the popcorn started, tea brewing and a blanket at the ready.

Jerry Lewis made me smile, he made me laugh, he made the days lighter and brighter. And no, I'm not French. :-)

****************************************

I promised Carol-of-the-frozen-ground some garden pics. These first three, though, are the lilies my friend Ryann gave to me. The scent just filled my home when I came home each day.

Cymbidium orchids in the courtyard:


Lavender:

Freesias:

Things I like about birthdays

Things I like about birthdays

Going to the mailbox and being surprised with another new card

The variety of cards, some sweet, some funny (fo shizzle, Vic!)

Displaying my birthday cards where they can give me a smile when I see them

Yoga class on my birthday

Getting my very own birthday post from my online decorating buddies filled with such sweet, sweet messages, plus virtual balloons, cupcakes (zero calories!), roses and other goodies

Having birthday wishes posted to my facebook wall from friends new and old

Reading tons of birthday e-mails from family and friends

Getting a birthday call from my brother
Getting a birthday call and song from my other brother

Having my granddaughters call and sing "Happy Birthday"

The beautiful lillies and touching card from my beautiful friend Ryann at the yoga studio

Having a special birthday dinner with my daughter and her family
Enjoying delicious German chocolate cake made by my eldest granddaughter

Don't you love birthdays and being celebrated by those who love you and care about you? Receiving love and good wishes for days and days, smiling at the comments, laughing at the jokes, feeling the caring goodness of others. My cheeks are positively sore tonight from smiling all day long. In yoga class, as I opened my heart, I could feel it filling with love from all the beautiful people in my life, and then I opened my arms wide, lifted my crown chakra to heaven and sent that love forth from my heart to the world ... sparkling, bright, clear images of peace, love and goodness to all beings everywhere.

Thank you, dear friends. You remind me of all the various parts and history of who I am and who I have been. Each of you holds a different piece. I am abundantly grateful to have you share some part of my life's journey with me. How happy you make me!

Namaste

some gardening and some bling ...

I've been trying to spend less time online; if I don't watch myself, I can burn a couple of hours easily, visiting blogs, reading news, researching things that interest me. (You, too?) So, although I've had a couple of topics that I've been wanting to get on paper (metaphorically), it's midnight on Sunday night, so I'm just going to share some pics.

Now there's a reason why I don't usually post my own pics; well, just take a look at these and you'll see the painfully obvious reason why. A photographer, I'm not. My apologies. I know some folks who visit here are truly gifted and skilled in photography, and I thank you for making up for my lack. It kind of balances things out, I think.

And I'm all about balance. We can't all be superstars in everything, can we? I think it's good to know what your gifts and your weaknesses are. I feel I'm really a strong editor, for example. I did some editing for a former co-worker, Joely Gardner, a published author and expert in Human Factors, who told me I was the best editor she'd ever worked with. Very nice of her.

But I digress, so how about a visit out to the garden? I know some of you won't see spring for some time, but here in SoCal, we had some really warm weather the past few weeks and things have started to sprout. Above are sweetpea seedlings that I really hope do well this year. They look healthy right now, although maybe a bit crowded. Growing up, my dad had sweetpeas growing all along the chain link fence out back. Oh, the aroma was absolutely mind-blowingly delicious! I'd gather up great armfuls of them and just stick my nose in the bouquets, like a cat with catnip. Years ago, my friend's mom had a wedding shower for her and had big vases filled with sweetpeas throughout the room. So intoxicating! Sweetpeas have been my favorite since I was a little girl.

The next three pics are some of the orchids in the garden. The 2nd and 3rd pics are from the same plant, which probably has about 6 very full stalks on it right now.

And below is an example of my poor skills. This was supposed to be a close-up of some bulbs that have sprouted, but I obviously didn't focus correctly. These are just a few of the bulbs that have sprouted. I also have quite a few freesias, all with long stalks just ready to burst into bloom in a few weeks.

My camellia's been blooming for a few weeks. Some of the buds have fallen off before fully opening; not sure why. But this one's sure pretty.

And lastly tonight, here's a bit of bling that I bought for myself. My friend, Lisa, is a talented jewely designer with a shop on Etsy, called Rox & Things. I purchased some gorgeous quartz earrings from her last week. I love sparkle! I expected them to come in a simple package, but Lisa does nothing halfway. The package arrived in a box stuffed with red filler and a scroll - tied with twine - that described my new earrings. Very classy.
Inside the green sparkly paper (I love sparkle!), I found this sweet little box. Adorable, yes?

And inside the box, my beautiful earrings, tied with a twine bow and nestled in sweet-smelling lavender ... aaaaaaah! I'm so thrilled!

I hope you have a great 2nd week of February. My company has had two rounds of layoffs so far; I'm not normally one to get anxious about such things, but I've been through layoffs twice before, in a healthier economy, and I'm hoping we don't have further layoffs when jobs are more scarce. I really love the work I'm doing and the people I work with and I'd love to continue to work there. (If you're planning on buying a car, consider a Mazda, who is our client. Shameless plug, but they're really good cars. The new 2010 MAZDA3 has high-end features for its category. I love the 5-door!)

Happy Valentine's Day! Say "I love you!" to those you love!

I need to go to my happy place ...

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

~~~
“Dear American Taxpayer,
Think you were in debt before? You now owe $825 billion more. Have a nice day!”
~~~
A government big enough to give you everything you want is strong enough to take everything you have.
~Thomas Jefferson
~~~
My first brother S sent me the following article link: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB123310466514522309.html

When it always takes Congress an inordinate amount of time to ever get anything done, how is it that they were able to write a 647-page "stimulus" (I can't write that with a straight face, even with quotation marks) bill within days of Obama's inauguration? Seems like someone had it stashed away in a drawer somewhere just waiting to spring this pork-infested bloat upon the American taxpayer.

"..by our estimate only $90 billion out of $825 billion, or about 12 cents of every $1, is for something that can plausibly be considered a growth stimulus."

Out of the $825 billion, only $90 billion is really stimulus. The rest? Well, just read the article. Try not to get too angry.

I am responsible enough to stay within my personal budget, not spend on extras; I have no debt other than my mortgage payment. But Nan and her ilk are gonna put me and my fellow Americans in deep, deep debt.

Here's my brother's proposal, which I think is brilliant:

Instead of San Fran Nan’s we-won-the-election-we-wrote-the-bill bag o’tricks, how about giving every man, woman and child $100,000. With a population of 300 million, that works out to $300 billion. Much cheaper and I’m willing to bet it would provide much more actual economic stimulus, plus put money back into the banking system.

(I told you it was brilliant.)

~ With that money, people could pay off mortgages, or put a down payment on a house, or stop a foreclosure - the housing crisis would end.

~ People could buy new cars, or do home remodeling, or invest in a new business - stimulating the economy.

~ Credit cards could be paid off, reducing the incredible personal debt that Americans currently carry.

~ Every dollar spent would mean more people would keep their jobs - lowering the unemployment rate.

Yes, we need something, but this bill isn't it. What we borrow, will have to be repaid. We need a real stimulus bill, not this. A bill that we'll be able to repay without mortgaging future generations because of the greed of some politicians and their pet projects and union connections.

In California, our government is taking drastic measures to reduce spending. Our State tax refunds have been suspended; we're getting IOUs. And starting next week, government employees are required to take off two days per month unpaid, saving the state 1.3 billion through June 2010, closing some government services on those days. It's tough, but at least these employees won't be laid off; they'll still be working and have benefits. It's tough, but it's better than going into even deeper debt.

A debt crisis is not solved by acquiring greater debt.

There's been a proposal for the United States Postal Service to deliver mail five days a week instead of six. Fine by me. Again, I'd rather see reduced services, than people losing their jobs entirely or having our government go into further debt.

There's a better way. Let's pray that our leaders put aside their greed and stop trying to pull a fast one. Let's pray that they focus on real stimulus that will truly and honestly help Americans, not saddle them with a bill that cannot be repaid. Pray for wisdom and for hearts that genuinely care for the lives of every American, now and in the future.


~Namaste

Remembering how to fly ...

I apologize for my absence the last couple of weeks. My modem at home is not connecting to the Internet reliably these days; probably needs to be replaced. So I haven't been able to spend much time online. I'm posting this from work after hours and I hope you'll indulge me if I re-post an old post from May 2005 for now. Enjoy!

*******************************************

May 17, 2005

I read recently that of the tens of thousands of thoughts a person has in a day, for most people, the majority of those thoughts are negative.

Reading that, I had to stop and pause and reflect on that for a moment. The majority of their thoughts are negative.

I can't even begin to imagine what that would feel like. How would one's spirit be filled with joy? How would one remember how to fly? I felt so deep-down, depths-of-the-soul sad imagining how anyone could be entombed by negative thoughts most of the time.

Maybe some have become desensitized to it, to the point that perhaps they no longer see how their choices are impacting their spiritual being. I really try to be conscious about my choices of what I read, watch, hear, see, do. I try to keep positive messages through my head, heart and spirit.

An example: a South-Park loving friend told me I'd love the show, funny, funny, great writing, etc. Twice, I tried to watch it; twice, they kicked a baby in the opening of the show. That's not the kind of stuff I want seeping into my cellular being, cartoon or no. I've noticed there are also a lot of children's cartoons where kids are mean to one another, or beating up on one another in that flying-fists-and-clouds-of-dust way they do it in cartoons. The message is subtle, clouded in colored, comic characters, and it's not a message of love. I'd prefer to see characters whose choices are guided by Love; powerful, strong enriching stories of the true goodness of people.

************************

Last Saturday, J (my oldest granddaughter) received a character award from the city. There were about 50 kids receiving awards, ranging from a tiny, long, blond-haired kindergartener to seniors in high school, perched on the edge of adulthood. As each child went up to receive their award, the announcer read the words of the person (youth care staff, teachers, guides, religious) who'd nominated them ... " ... donated her hair to Locks of Love ..." " ... helps the other kids with their homework ..." "... we call her "our future president" ..." "... writes to soldiers in Iraq ... " "... organized a fund-raiser to help victims of the tsunami ..."

On and on it went, each child standing there smiling, their spirits strong and beautiful, their beings radiating their auras so brightly. Oh, the power and loveliness of each of those beings! If that kind of power could be harnessed ... and it can and is every single day by good teachers, encouraging their young wards, and by good parents, supporting their children's dreams to help others, and by family and friends who create a nurturing environment that tells these new lives that its safe to be who you are and to be good and positive and to truly and entirely believe that YOU CAN DO AND BE ANYTHING.

These kids inspire me. They don't fear failure. They live their lives inspired by Love. "Fail? Fine. But I'll try again and I will succeed.' Their choices aren't guided by fear (What if they think I'm a dork? What if no one's ever done this before? What if the kids laugh at me?) but by Love. Powerful experience, watching each one of these positive thinkers that morning. We need to grow more just like 'em. The world is certainly a better, more positive place with them breathing the same air we do.

Namaste

photo: Lake Elsinore at sunrise, viewed from my daughter's home

winter's light ...

Winter's light slants in through my bedroom window, suffusing the walls and the room in a surreal golden glow. This is one of my favorite times of day in the winter, shortly before the sun ends her day's journey by dropping into the Pacific Ocean, lingering above the waves, then - with a flash! - dropping gently over the horizon.

I was recently donating blood at the nearby park and I looked east out the window as I was lying there. I gazed at the distinctive bark of the tree outside, really studying its peeling beauty, when suddenly the tree became bathed in gold from the west. The nurse was looking the opposite direction, out the front doors facing west and she dreamily said "I love this time of day ... the way the day turns to gold." I turned to look at her and her entire face and body were washed in light as she faced the sun's glow.

In the spring and summer, the sun sits high overhead and my entire courtyard is bright and sunny. In the fall, as the sun moves lower toward the equator, the angle is entirely different. The courtyard falls into shadow, blocked by the buildings, the sunlight too low now to rise above them.

Instead of bold, confident sunshine, we get this moodier, more nuanced light, a gift of winter that makes me pause and be still, be aware. The lower light hits the prisms hanging in the south-facing windows, throwing dancing colors around the rooms. The sun, too high in the summer, only dances the rainbows like this in fall and winter.

Spring and summer are often raucous affairs, with birds singing, flowers blooming, summer parties; everything wildly alive. But fall and winter are gentler, quieter, giving us pause for reflection ... a break from the liveliness of the other two seasons ... passive yin to active yang ... the duality of nature in perfect balance, inviting us to slow down and rest a bit, like all in nature does at this time. She is ever the perfect teacher.

Winter's light slants through my windows and I pause and give thanks.