Trust ...

One night last week as I slipped into bed and prepared to read for a bit before going to sleep, I noticed how brilliant the moon was outside my bedroom window. Turning off the bedside lamp, I laid there looking at the moon, thinking. And praying.

"God?" I asked.
"Trust me," He answered.

We have this conversation from time to time, me asking for a bit of reassurance, some answers. The Divine telling me to simply trust. And so I do. And my heart is at peace. I stared at the moon and felt love glow within me until I fell asleep.

Two weeks ago (March 31), I was laid off. I knew it before I even went into work; I'd gone to the bank and noticed that my account had more money than it should have. The company had deposited my vacation pay so I knew I was going to be released that morning. So I went in, was laid off, gathered a couple of things and went back home.

It's actually nice to have this break; I hope it isn't too long, though. In 2001, my dot com company closed and I was off work for four months. In 2007, I was laid off due to company merger; that one was just 8 weeks before I landed this last job that I really loved. I have some savings that will help tide me over, for which I'm grateful.


I'm also grateful for this time. I have a number of things that have accumulated at home, projects that are not quite finished, an office that is 1/3 painted and mostly in boxes since I sold my large bookcase; a lot of cleaning and clearing that needs to be done. I feel that this is a great time to shed some of the debris in my life, physical, mental and emotional. Clearing away cobwebs. Losing the weight of stuff. Release the old and open up new spaces in my life. I want to get rid of some furniture that no longer works for me, I want to completely organize the garage, I want to get more exercise, do more cooking. I've been craving change for some time and it's time for change to manifest itself in my life.


My granddaughters were with me a couple of days last week and we had a wonderful time together. I've also spent time working in the courtyard, moving everything around, sweeping and cleaning the winter debris of fallen leaves and dirt, moving pots to new spaces, rearranging the furniture to better take advantage of the sunshine from my chaise where I like to sit and read on weekend days. I love the way the courtyard looks right now, with so many things coming into bloom and sending off new growth.

It's great to have time to take a walk each morning; so helpful for my bad hip and spine as long as I monitor how I'm feeling. The previous two times I was laid off in the fall and in late summer, so it's nice to be off during spring when everything is blooming and filled with a vibrant energy. As I walk, the birds are singing and swooping about. One neighbor has a row of peach trees with new fruit growing and the little birds love to taste the tiny peaches. I see what's blooming in everyone's yards, I notice some new construction, garage sale signs. People walking their dogs or just out for a walk always wave and say hello. The fresh air and sunshine put me in such a happy, grateful mood.

Last week, my mother-in-law, Phebe, passed away. Actually, ex-mother-in-law, but I've always remained close with my ex's grandmother and sister, who I claim as family. And in recent years, I've reconnected with my mother- and father-in-law, too, which has been a blessing to my heart. That may seem odd to some people, since their son and I divorced. But it's better to release things (like the pain of divorce) instead of being burdened by them. Freeing up the heart and opening it with love is just healthier and more connected to the Divine, I feel.

Phebe was a caring, loving, generous woman; as a young bride, I really bonded with her and she taught me a lot when I joined their family. She will be missed very much by all her friends and family who loved this fun, lively, spirited woman so much. We all know, though, that she is very happy to be reconnected to her loving husband in heaven. She's missed him so much and now they are happily laughing and loving together once again. May God grant peace and grace to all who love them both and miss them here.

Namaste

clearing ...

"Feel the beautiful breath filling the lungs ...
lift the heart, open it up ...

ommmmm shree gurupyo namaha ..."

This was a particularly beautiful yoga class with a particularly love-filled teacher. Every person at my yoga studio is beautiful, light-filled and positive. But I have a special affinity for one teacher and am always joyful if she happens to sub for one of my classes. Every word and action is filled with such pure love from her heart that I feel transformed afterward.

Throughout class, she lovingly guides us through each asana, her voice rhythmically reminding us to feel our beautiful breath warming us ... to extend the spine fully and feeling it yield more space ... to extend the arms out in each direction in Warrior, hugging the muscles close to the bones. Her voice is the sound of my own heart beating, reminding me of the beautiful and perfect life force that is my essence and being.

We work through the opening warm-ups, eyes closed ... reaching, extending, breathing. We stand for Sun Salutations, the body becoming more heated through each set ... folding, lunging, holding the body strong in Plank, pulling the hips back and up for Downward Dog ... linking breath to movement, the rhythms becoming automatic, the mind chatter ceasing and now easing into the beauty of simply breathing as the body sweats and moves through the poses like a dance.

My eyes are closed through most of my practice. My mind becomes quieter, calmer. I listen to my breath ... deep inhale like the sound of the ocean withdrawing from shore ... deep exhale, the sighing of the waves reaching forward once again.

We practice Savasana, Corpse Pose, at the end, lying fully relaxed on our backs, every muscle released - top to bottom - the face and eyebrows and eyes relaxed. "Nothing to do, nothing to undo" Peter, a former teacher, used to say.

As I lie there, I notice the thoughts that come up in my mind ... but I don't attach to them. I simply note them and let them go. I am not hear to think about them. I am calming and quieting the mind, so I can more clearly think of these things later. In my mind, I climb into my little place where I sit and let go, disappearing within.

Afterward, the most beautiful closing chant I've ever experienced in a class.

"... hari hi .. ommmmmm ..."

Beauty and goodness fill the teacher's chant,

every syllable slow and deliberate, deeply imbued with love ...

pouring forth every beautiful thing: love, goodness, kindness, caring

I feel grounded, with a deep abiding knowledge of exactly who I am

my authentic self, with a mind bright and clear and shining

pure and unaltered

no self-doubt, no hesitation

only a surety of self, a groundedness ...

filled with beauty and light

I feel completely and fully filled with joy in every molecule of my being in that moment.

Uninterrupted peace and bliss.

My teacher is such a beautiful gift.

May you breathe in peace and beauty today. Namaste.

a moment's sunlight ...

We are but a moment's sunlight
Fading in the grass ...
- Get Together, The Youngbloods

We are so busily engaged in the daily acts of just living each day, that we sometimes forget to acknowledge and honor the fact that we have an expiration date. You, me, the next guy ... we don't remain in an earthly vessel forever.

We've all seen those e-mail chain letters about living life "between the dashes" (dates of birth and death); we've all seen Randy Pausch's Last Lecture video and maybe read the book. We know that each day and each moment is a gift, a fleeting thing, here and then gone. Babies grow, friendships change, love matures ... and then - for one reason or another - we are done with our living here.

People usually aren't comfortable talking about death. Some people believe in the finality of death; that's it, kaput, fini, done, and perhaps that scares some of them, while others are quite comfortable with that concept. The End.

Others believe we are souls temporarily journeying in a body. John Edward once likened it to a person who gets in a car, drives to a destination and then gets out of the car. In the analogy, the person is the soul and the car is the body. We arrive at our destination, leave the car/body and move on.

At my cousin's funeral last week, it was inspiring to see so many family members, friends and friends’ families come out to honor, to share, to remember this life together. Keeping my cousin's spirit with them even though his earthly vessel has served out its useful purpose. The little chapel was overflowing, with about 20 of us standing along the side aisles. After mass, we all proceeded to the gravesite, with a light drizzle of rain coming from the gray skies overhead. We all stood solemnly and in honor as the ceremony was conducted and then everyone still lingered afterward, despite the wet weather, reluctant to leave the cemetery to go to the reception.

My cousin had a very close-knit group of friends, many of whom he'd known for many, many years. They shared so much together in their lives, and it was beautiful to see how much he'd meant to them. He was obviously much loved by his friends as well as his family. His life, his personality, his friendship had made an impact on every person gathered in that chapel.

When we attend funerals for our loved ones, or go through a period of mourning, or sit shiva, or wear black armbands – we proclaim our witness of the person's life. We honor and acknowledge the person's journey, with memories of smiles and laughter, of barbeques and parties, of calls and cards, of illness and of death. Some don't like to attend funerals. I've been to many funerals (large family) and find it very comforting and life-affirming to share with others, to celebrate the person who has moved on, to show respect for the soul that joined us for a time while on their journey here.

As we go through life, we all leave footprints behind. We matter to those who love us.

rollercoaster ...

It's been kind of a rollercoaster week.

Tuesday was the anniversary of my mom's passing. Most times when I think of her (nearly every day), I feel love and light; I see her smile, hear her laughter, feel her amazing energy and remember how she drew people to her with her humor, openness and generosity. But on Feb. 24 - even after all these years - I feel a disturbance in my spirit, even before I realize what day it is. When I scan my feelings to see what's causing this, I remember, and the memories of that day come flooding back. The prayers - bargains with God - as I rushed to the hospital, then the completely falling-apart sense of utter and devastating loss as I was told she was gone. Touching her face, sending her love, my entire being flooded with tears.

Tuesday was also the day that my manager told me that I was being rolled off the account that I'd been on since I started there. We've had some layoffs and I knew we still had to cut back more, so it wasn't completely unexpected. I was told to transition my work to another Project Manager and that the company was looking for another account that could use me. In the meantime, I knew I wasn't going to be billable, and in an agency, it's all about being billable. You don't bring in any money sitting on the bench; people need to perform billable work. I was hopeful they'd find an account that could use my skills, hopefully something meaty and engaging that I could really contribute to.

On Thursday, my cousin passed away. May he rest in peace, free from pain and discomfort, once again a light-filled spirit. This made it an even tougher week emotionally. (His services are on Wednesday; if you read this before then, please say a prayer for the family.)

Mom, work, my cousin - by Thursday afternoon, I was turning inward more, like a wounded animal that goes to the cave to heal alone. I consider it a privilege and an honor to have an opportunity to help a friend; as a little girl, I remember praying in church that God would provide me with ways in which I could show my love for Him by sharing His love with others. He has graced my life by answering that little-girl prayer. But I have a really tough time asking for personal support from others. I'm independent; I do for myself. I don't want to burden others with my troubles; everyone has their own to worry about.

On Friday, my last day on the account, we were going out for a girls-only happy hour. I'd been "in my head" most of the week, and I was looking forward to going out with everyone; I could use a little diversion. They are an amazingly wonderful group of women; all very intelligent, very professional, high achievers - just really quality people in every way. And sooooo funny! We have a great big, happy, joy-filled friendship among us, a strong team who share and genuinely care about one another. We support one another whenever someone needs a hand on a project; we lend an ear and a shoulder when someone needs it; we celebrate happy occasions.

As we left the office for happy hour, everyone went over to C's SUV and they told me to come over, too. They were trying to get a beach cruiser bike out of the back of her SUV. It was gorgeous: lime green, white basket, shiny and new. Wow - I've been wanting a cruiser for the last 10 years. I kept oohing and aahing, assuming that C had picked it up for one of the girls and they were going to put it in her car, lucky girl.

They pulled it out, set it on the ground, smiled and told me "Get on it."

What? ...

After a heartbeat's pause, I looked at them, stunned. And then the waterworks started. These beautiful, wonderful friends had pitched in and bought me the most awesome beach cruiser in the world for my last day on the team. (Just got a little teary again ...) My stomach is still doing flip-flops, completely and utterly amazed at the hugeness of their generosity and thoughtfulness.

Words are inadequate to express how I feel about this. I am enormously humbled. I would have been grateful for a goodbye card signed by them all. Oh - they gave me that, too, with the most beautiful personal messages from each of them.

I dreamed about my bike that night. I loved my old beach cruiser. My daughter and I used to ride all the time - down the beach, to her school - the ocean breeze blowing our hair, watching the sun set on the ocean. Riding a bike is such simple, pure fun! And my new bike is absolutely the best cruiser I've ever had. 1000 times better than any I've ever had. There's even a cute white basket. And a silk rose attached to the handlebars. And my wonderful friends gave me a rose-designed bell for the handlebars and rose stickers, too.

It's been a rollercoaster week, starting off on a downhill slide. But beautiful friends did a beautiful thing, sharing their hearts to do something extraordinarily generous and nice. I feel so blessed that we are present in one another's lives right now. We all click. I don't believe I've ever had such a tight bond with friends at work like this. It's kind of magical and amazing. It all feels so right and perfect.

Now to think of a name of my bike.

Namaste.

Cinderfella, plus some garden pics

I read that Jerry Lewis was to receive an award at the Oscars tonight. I loved Jerry Lewis! His characters were goofy, sweet, vulnerable, funny. And in a couple of movies (Cinderfella, The Nutty Professor), we got to see him morph into another version of himself: suave, sexy, appealing on a different level. In the Cinderfella clip, he confidently snaps his foot as he takes the first few steps down the staircase, all eyes on his every move. Such attention to detail. He was also a technological pioneer in the movie-making industry. And of course everyone knows of his tireless telethon work on behalf of "Jerry's Kids."

I love movies of this era, late 50s/early 60s. There's a hopefulness in them, a sense that - despite obstacles - we've just got to keep our chin up and figure out how to make the best of things. The kind of Lil' Rascals "C'mon kids, let's put on a show" cheerful optimism or the Pollyanna "Glad Game" resilience to tragedy that movies had then. I don't watch violent movies, action-packed movies, car chase movies, Ben Stiller/Jim Carrey; they're just not my thing. Give me a movie with a decently entertaining story of goodness and integrity, throw in some laughter, add a dash of a love story (but keep everyone's clothes on), add in a fun twist ... and I'll get the popcorn started, tea brewing and a blanket at the ready.

Jerry Lewis made me smile, he made me laugh, he made the days lighter and brighter. And no, I'm not French. :-)

****************************************

I promised Carol-of-the-frozen-ground some garden pics. These first three, though, are the lilies my friend Ryann gave to me. The scent just filled my home when I came home each day.

Cymbidium orchids in the courtyard:


Lavender:

Freesias:

Things I like about birthdays

Things I like about birthdays

Going to the mailbox and being surprised with another new card

The variety of cards, some sweet, some funny (fo shizzle, Vic!)

Displaying my birthday cards where they can give me a smile when I see them

Yoga class on my birthday

Getting my very own birthday post from my online decorating buddies filled with such sweet, sweet messages, plus virtual balloons, cupcakes (zero calories!), roses and other goodies

Having birthday wishes posted to my facebook wall from friends new and old

Reading tons of birthday e-mails from family and friends

Getting a birthday call from my brother
Getting a birthday call and song from my other brother

Having my granddaughters call and sing "Happy Birthday"

The beautiful lillies and touching card from my beautiful friend Ryann at the yoga studio

Having a special birthday dinner with my daughter and her family
Enjoying delicious German chocolate cake made by my eldest granddaughter

Don't you love birthdays and being celebrated by those who love you and care about you? Receiving love and good wishes for days and days, smiling at the comments, laughing at the jokes, feeling the caring goodness of others. My cheeks are positively sore tonight from smiling all day long. In yoga class, as I opened my heart, I could feel it filling with love from all the beautiful people in my life, and then I opened my arms wide, lifted my crown chakra to heaven and sent that love forth from my heart to the world ... sparkling, bright, clear images of peace, love and goodness to all beings everywhere.

Thank you, dear friends. You remind me of all the various parts and history of who I am and who I have been. Each of you holds a different piece. I am abundantly grateful to have you share some part of my life's journey with me. How happy you make me!

Namaste

some gardening and some bling ...

I've been trying to spend less time online; if I don't watch myself, I can burn a couple of hours easily, visiting blogs, reading news, researching things that interest me. (You, too?) So, although I've had a couple of topics that I've been wanting to get on paper (metaphorically), it's midnight on Sunday night, so I'm just going to share some pics.

Now there's a reason why I don't usually post my own pics; well, just take a look at these and you'll see the painfully obvious reason why. A photographer, I'm not. My apologies. I know some folks who visit here are truly gifted and skilled in photography, and I thank you for making up for my lack. It kind of balances things out, I think.

And I'm all about balance. We can't all be superstars in everything, can we? I think it's good to know what your gifts and your weaknesses are. I feel I'm really a strong editor, for example. I did some editing for a former co-worker, Joely Gardner, a published author and expert in Human Factors, who told me I was the best editor she'd ever worked with. Very nice of her.

But I digress, so how about a visit out to the garden? I know some of you won't see spring for some time, but here in SoCal, we had some really warm weather the past few weeks and things have started to sprout. Above are sweetpea seedlings that I really hope do well this year. They look healthy right now, although maybe a bit crowded. Growing up, my dad had sweetpeas growing all along the chain link fence out back. Oh, the aroma was absolutely mind-blowingly delicious! I'd gather up great armfuls of them and just stick my nose in the bouquets, like a cat with catnip. Years ago, my friend's mom had a wedding shower for her and had big vases filled with sweetpeas throughout the room. So intoxicating! Sweetpeas have been my favorite since I was a little girl.

The next three pics are some of the orchids in the garden. The 2nd and 3rd pics are from the same plant, which probably has about 6 very full stalks on it right now.

And below is an example of my poor skills. This was supposed to be a close-up of some bulbs that have sprouted, but I obviously didn't focus correctly. These are just a few of the bulbs that have sprouted. I also have quite a few freesias, all with long stalks just ready to burst into bloom in a few weeks.

My camellia's been blooming for a few weeks. Some of the buds have fallen off before fully opening; not sure why. But this one's sure pretty.

And lastly tonight, here's a bit of bling that I bought for myself. My friend, Lisa, is a talented jewely designer with a shop on Etsy, called Rox & Things. I purchased some gorgeous quartz earrings from her last week. I love sparkle! I expected them to come in a simple package, but Lisa does nothing halfway. The package arrived in a box stuffed with red filler and a scroll - tied with twine - that described my new earrings. Very classy.
Inside the green sparkly paper (I love sparkle!), I found this sweet little box. Adorable, yes?

And inside the box, my beautiful earrings, tied with a twine bow and nestled in sweet-smelling lavender ... aaaaaaah! I'm so thrilled!

I hope you have a great 2nd week of February. My company has had two rounds of layoffs so far; I'm not normally one to get anxious about such things, but I've been through layoffs twice before, in a healthier economy, and I'm hoping we don't have further layoffs when jobs are more scarce. I really love the work I'm doing and the people I work with and I'd love to continue to work there. (If you're planning on buying a car, consider a Mazda, who is our client. Shameless plug, but they're really good cars. The new 2010 MAZDA3 has high-end features for its category. I love the 5-door!)

Happy Valentine's Day! Say "I love you!" to those you love!