Friday, April 17, 2009

Trust ...

One night last week as I slipped into bed and prepared to read for a bit before going to sleep, I noticed how brilliant the moon was outside my bedroom window. Turning off the bedside lamp, I laid there looking at the moon, thinking. And praying.

"God?" I asked.
"Trust me," He answered.

We have this conversation from time to time, me asking for a bit of reassurance, some answers. The Divine telling me to simply trust. And so I do. And my heart is at peace. I stared at the moon and felt love glow within me until I fell asleep.

Two weeks ago (March 31), I was laid off. I knew it before I even went into work; I'd gone to the bank and noticed that my account had more money than it should have. The company had deposited my vacation pay so I knew I was going to be released that morning. So I went in, was laid off, gathered a couple of things and went back home.

It's actually nice to have this break; I hope it isn't too long, though. In 2001, my dot com company closed and I was off work for four months. In 2007, I was laid off due to company merger; that one was just 8 weeks before I landed this last job that I really loved. I have some savings that will help tide me over, for which I'm grateful.

I'm also grateful for this time. I have a number of things that have accumulated at home, projects that are not quite finished, an office that is 1/3 painted and mostly in boxes since I sold my large bookcase; a lot of cleaning and clearing that needs to be done. I feel that this is a great time to shed some of the debris in my life, physical, mental and emotional. Clearing away cobwebs. Losing the weight of stuff. Release the old and open up new spaces in my life. I want to get rid of some furniture that no longer works for me, I want to completely organize the garage, I want to get more exercise, do more cooking. I've been craving change for some time and it's time for change to manifest itself in my life.

My granddaughters were with me a couple of days last week and we had a wonderful time together. I've also spent time working in the courtyard, moving everything around, sweeping and cleaning the winter debris of fallen leaves and dirt, moving pots to new spaces, rearranging the furniture to better take advantage of the sunshine from my chaise where I like to sit and read on weekend days. I love the way the courtyard looks right now, with so many things coming into bloom and sending off new growth.

It's great to have time to take a walk each morning; so helpful for my bad hip and spine as long as I monitor how I'm feeling. The previous two times I was laid off in the fall and in late summer, so it's nice to be off during spring when everything is blooming and filled with a vibrant energy. As I walk, the birds are singing and swooping about. One neighbor has a row of peach trees with new fruit growing and the little birds love to taste the tiny peaches. I see what's blooming in everyone's yards, I notice some new construction, garage sale signs. People walking their dogs or just out for a walk always wave and say hello. The fresh air and sunshine put me in such a happy, grateful mood.

Last week, my mother-in-law, Phebe, passed away. Actually, ex-mother-in-law, but I've always remained close with my ex's grandmother and sister, who I claim as family. And in recent years, I've reconnected with my mother- and father-in-law, too, which has been a blessing to my heart. That may seem odd to some people, since their son and I divorced. But it's better to release things (like the pain of divorce) instead of being burdened by them. Freeing up the heart and opening it with love is just healthier and more connected to the Divine, I feel.

Phebe was a caring, loving, generous woman; as a young bride, I really bonded with her and she taught me a lot when I joined their family. She will be missed very much by all her friends and family who loved this fun, lively, spirited woman so much. We all know, though, that she is very happy to be reconnected to her loving husband in heaven. She's missed him so much and now they are happily laughing and loving together once again. May God grant peace and grace to all who love them both and miss them here.