Little noticings …

On my walk this morning, I kept finding my mind wandering to what I wanted to get done today. I am mindful of practicing mindfulness and being in the present moment, though, so I repeated a quote from one of my favorite movies (Peaceful Warrior) to bring me back to the present:

Where am I? I am here.
What time is it? Right now.

I use this phrasing quite often. It seems that I’m often writing a To-Do List in my head. This phrase reminds me that I am not in the past; I am not in the future. I am only in this moment, right now. There is nothing else to do right now but enjoy the present moment.

I always love reminders to be present. Thich Nhat Hahn is one of the first teachers from whom I learned mindfulness. In the first book of his that I read, as an example he wrote about being mindful when washing dishes: feeling the softness of the soap bubbles, the warmth of the water, the shape of the plate, the slipperiness of its surface. (It so happened that shortly afterward I was washing dishes after a Thanksgiving meal and a relative asked me how I could stand doing so many dishes. I told him about being mindful and I’ve been teased ever since about “being one with the plate.” I think you have to know your audience when you share things like this.)

At the monastery where Thich Nhat Hahn lives, he'll sometimes ask the novices working in the kitchen "What are you doing?" to remind them to be mindful and present instead of wandering away in their thoughts as they work; to notice what they are doing, the things around them, the songs of the birds, the warmth of their bodies. My yoga teachers teach this mindfulness, too, reminding us to notice how a little adjustment of an upper arm opens up more space, how fully exhaling allows the body to move a little further into a pose, how our bodies feel after a round of Sun Salutations: our breath, body temp, suppleness. Little noticings that make us more aware of the union of breath, mind and body.

Yesterday, I took my granddaughters for ice cream. As we were leaving, I pointed out to the oldest that I liked the flooring, which had intermittent squares of blue, green and pink. "You always notice the smallest things, Nana," she said to me and smiled. I try.

Five people, four dogs and work craziness

Whew! Whatta week! My family has been staying with me the past 5 weeks while they were between homes as they moved from one and waited for their new home to be renovated by their new landlord. First one granddaughter came, then the other, then my daughter and son-in-law with two dogs (a pit and a chihuahua), then the other two dogs (both pits) who had been staying with a friend. It’s really been very nice having them here and I feel so blessed to have been able to help them for a few weeks. They weren’t a bit of trouble, even with mattresses and four dog crates on the living room floor. My daughter made delicious meals each night, something I rarely get to enjoy when cooking for one; I could hug and kiss my grands and take them to school each day, and my son-in-law added joy and laughter to the mix.

So life has been a bit irregular around here, but still totally wonderful. This week, though, tempted to tip the apple cart. I work for an interactive marketing agency as a QA analyst; QA tests all the interactive properties (web sites, client sites, analytics work, mobile sites, dealer sites, search pages, etc.) for our client. (My office is dedicated to one client.) We started development on a huge project a few weeks ago, and this week, my team was to start testing the project.

Here’s how the week went: On Monday, I had to replace my water heater to the tune of $1200. Ugh. Tuesday morning, my boss quit, sending an email to management. Wednesday, I received a note that the other QA analyst in my office would be out the rest of the week. I had to do my job plus her job plus my boss’s job, plus ramp up for the big project, plus provide oversight for our QA team in Costa Rica. Friday, we suddenly got additional work that is due to launch on Monday (in addition to the big project). All I could do was tell myself “OK! Let’s do this!”

I am truly grateful for yoga that gives me the tools I need to keep me balanced in times like this. I can maintain a strong focus, not get overwhelmed, stay in the moment and take one thing at a time. I repeat to myself the phrase from “Peaceful Warrior” – Where am I? I am here. What time is it? Right now. I was able to manage it all, provide documents and test plans for the big project, manage testing efforts on the other projects (even when more work was added late on Friday), attend meetings, provide training, communicate with QA Directors in other offices – I got ‘er done. Thank you, yoga and Divine grace!

My daughter and her family moved into their new home on Friday. They left my home absolutely spotless, as if they’d never been here. I chuckle because my home looks so spacious and open now without mattresses and dog crates and clothing and suitcases – haha! Makes me appreciate my home even more.

Life is good, it’s wonderful, it’s kind and loving. I am happy for my daughter and family; their new home will be a wonderful new space for them to love and grow and enjoy their journey. And I’m grateful for the time spent together here and for the loving energy they leave lingering behind in my sacred space.

Namaste

someone gave me something nice …

Waaaaaaaay back in February, my sweet friend Sheri was kind enough to give me this thoughtful award. Thank you, Sheri! Now, I don’t normally “play” memes and such, but good golly, Sheri has given me countless hours of delight through her blog. She has a sense of humor that I can relate to, a delicious sense of irony and her kids just say the funniest things! (The apple obviously doesn’t fall far from the tree!) If you want a few moments of absolute delight, go pay Sheri a visit. You’ll be glad you did!

I’m supposed to share seven things about me. So just because it’s you, Sheri, here goes.

1. One of the people I’d most like to emulate is … Kwai Chang Caine. Yes, that Caine, played by David Carradine in the classic 1970s TV show Kung Fu. Something about that character seemed to crack something open in me and made me want to have that same sense of balance, peace and spiritual understanding.

Master Po: Close your eyes. What do you hear? Young Caine: I hear the water, I hear the birds. Po: Do you hear your own heartbeat? Caine: No. Po: Do you hear the grasshopper which is at your feet? Caine: Old man, how is it that you hear these things? Po: Young man, how is it that you do not?

2. I love aqua. It makes me happy. I love colors that are cheery and fun. Neutrals just don’t do it for me. I painted my dining area Aqua Spray around ‘03, then later painted my entry Surfer (a deeper aqua), then my living room Valley Mist (pale aqua/green/blue that changes with the light; love it!). I have aqua pillows, candles, accessories. I decorate with seashells and sand in bowls and trays. I love the energy in my home. I call it my sacred space.

3. I love my yoga practice. I have fibromyalgia and spondylolisthesis and the physical practice of yoga helps hugely with easing the pain and getting me to a peaceful place. I love learning about the eight limbs of yoga, learning about pranayama (breath), ahimsa (non-violence), pratyahara (non-attachment) and so much more.

4. My favorite movie is Heidi. I love all Shirley Temple movies. They make me happy. But Heidi is my favorite; the way a little girl’s love transforms an old man’s heart … sigh …

5. An old boyfriend once told me “You know what the problem is, Rose? You don’t’ need me.” That puzzled me initially. I wanted him, but I didn’t need him. I’m just not a needy person. Neediness is not my thing. I love the Buddhist tenet: Want less. Suffer less. It’s not the lack of something that makes us unhappy. It’s the wanting that makes us unhappy. How many times do people think “if I only had that special thing, I’d be happy?” Shortly after getting it, they’re unhappy again. Let it go. Release wanting. Be at ease. Fill your heart with love and then fill every molecule of your being with love, letting the warm goodness ooze from every pore.

6. Fave book: Happy Yoga: 7 Reasons Why There’s Nothing To Worry About by Steve Ross. It’s a wonderful guide for living and happiness. I’ve read it; I’ve re-read it. I can open it to any page and find a wisdom that I can use in the moment. Wonderful book. I recommend it to everyone.

7. Family: I have two brothers who I love to spend time with. They “get” me. We can talk and laugh for hours. I have an amazing daughter, wonderful son-in-law and two sparkling granddaughters. My mom’s soul parted from her body in 1990; I miss her physical self, her softness, her smile, but I feel her constant love. My dad is my hero; I’m happy that he’s still on this side to make me laugh and hold me with love. I have an abundance of cousins; many of whom I’m very close to. I have three close almost-brothers; we met when I was married and we grew into a family after I divorced.

So those are seven random things. Of course, I’m thinking about changing some of them already—ha!—but I’ll let ‘em be. I’m supposed to pass on the award to seven other bloggerss, but I’ll have to skip that part, if it’s OK. Life has been moving at warp speed lately and I haven’t spent enough time enjoying my favorites. I do recommend everyone on my blog list at the right, though. From spirituality to décor to travel, there’s a little something for everyone. Check ‘em out!

Namaste … Grasshopper …

No waiting

I had a yoga teacher, Peter, who often shared beautiful wisdom with us that spoke truly to my heart. I was grateful for the many things I learned from him during the short time that I was his student.

One of the lessons that has had a strong influence in my approach to things was about waiting. Waiting is an activity, an active stance, a verb; to actively expect something to happen. It’s looking ahead to some future event, to anticipate the next thing. Sometimes we worry while waiting, sometimes waiting takes too long. Waiting isn’t the same as being fully in the present.

There are times when we need to wait. But instead of looking ahead and missing the present moment, we can choose to be fully present to right now and instead of waiting, we can just sit and Be. As Peter put it:

Be … and the next thing will happen.

Whether we anticipate and wait, or sit and Be, either way, the next thing will happen.

In yoga class, there’s a general pattern that’s followed and it’s easy to anticipate the next thing. A Warrior II is often followed by an extended side angle stretch, for example, or a floor asana on the back might be followed by a spinal twist.

In Peter’s class, initially, I would be working a pose and anticipating the next pose he would call out. I’d be thinking “OK, we’ll be moving to [pose x] next …” instead of fully experiencing the current pose that I was working. Peter wouldn’t shift into the next pose, though, we’d hold and hold and hold the pose, my legs and arms quivering, Peter encouraging us to experience all that was present to us right now in THIS pose: turn out the thigh, tighten the underarm muscles, lengthen the spine… all the myriad tiny little adjustments that can be made to perfect a pose. I soon forgot about the next pose and let myself melt into the work of the present moment.

This teaching has totally shifted my inner peace when I’m waiting now. By learning to be fully in the present moment, I can experience it more completely--the sights, sounds, sensations. I don’t look ahead of where I am right now and anticipate the next thing. I enjoy where I am in the present moment.

I can simply Be … and the next thing will happen.

Namaste

on acceptance …

“Receive what you are given.”

One of my yoga teachers, Peter, always had a way of saying things that resonated strongly with me. This was one of them, the idea of acceptance, of receiving both the good and the bad. I’ve meditated on this concept many, many times, unearthing its layers and meanings for my life. I use it several times a week to help guide me and my spirit with grace.

At my granddaughter’s softball game on Saturday, one of the parents complained to the coach that they’d only had one week to sell their fundraising items. The coach, of course, could do nothing about this, which the woman even acknowledged, but she went ahead and complained anyway. I thought it was pointless and felt that they were given a week; do the best that you can with it. And then contact the board and see how you can help next year to provide more time for fundraising. Complaining doesn’t change anything. The coach (who agreed with her) asked if anyone had had a chance to sell anything. My daughter said yes, she had. How much? he asked. “$180. And M (another mother) also sold $180.” Such a contrast: two mothers who received what they were given and moved with it in grace, doing what they could. Another mother who got aggravated and became immobilized in her aggravation as a result.

I’ve always said that if you become stuck in traffic, you have two choices: You can either get angry, honk your horn and yell at other drivers … or you can turn on the radio and sing. (Guess which one I am – lol!)

Yesterday morning, I had an appointment for my 2002 Civic’s 110,000 mile service. It has 132,000 miles but I couldn’t get the service (over $1000; timing belt and other major service) done previously when I was unemployed so I was happy I was finally going to get it done. As I headed out to my appointment, I immediately knew something was wrong: I had a flat. I drove the few houses back home and called the auto club. Problem :: solution. No getting angry or upset. Identify the problem; determine the solution. Receive what you are given. Deal with it. Get it handled. (I was immensely grateful that I didn’t get the flat when I was driving the 50 miles to my daughter’s home on a busy freeway. A grace.) A nice young man came out, replaced the flat with the temporary spare, I gave him a tip and went to the dealership.

At the dealership, we examined the tires and determined that I really needed to get all four tires replaced, but I could get by with doing two now and doing the other two at my next service. I also had a headlight that had been out for a month and needed to be replaced. Since it would be a few hours, I took the shuttle home. A couple of hours later, I got a call: the front brake rotors were below minimum and should be replaced. I could just replace the pads for now, though, and do the rotors at my next service. (Let me say here that I absolutely trust my service tech. He’s a great guy, I’ve known him for eight years and I trust him.) One of the suspension bushings was also broken and needed to be replaced. I knew the car had been riding really roughly and had meant to mention this when I brought the car in; now I knew why.

Even with a 5% discount on parts and service, the final total was $1800. I had all new belts, two new tires, new timing belt and tensioner, all new fluids, tire alignment, new headlight, new suspension bushing, new front brake pads … a complete service, head to toe, plus a very nice car wash to boot. It was more money than I’d planned for, but it is what it is. I haven’t had a car payment for six years and I plan on hanging on to my Civic while I save for a new one, so I need to have it well-maintained and safe to drive. I could complain and be upset at the expense, but it doesn’t change anything. I feel that I’m fortunate the tire went flat when it did, I’m fortunate the brakes are better, I’m fortunate the suspension is much better. Receive what you are given. I’ve been given an $1800 bill but I’ve also been given a safe, well-running car. Money well spent.

Namaste

PS. Thank you to those of you who dropped me notes to check that I was OK since I hadn't posted in a couple of weeks. I really appreciate your thoughtfulness! The new job is an 11-hour day with commute, so it doesn't leave me the time I'd like for reading my favorite blogs and for writing. Hoping that something shifts so I can have a bit more time. Thanks!

clearing ...

"Feel the beautiful breath filling the lungs ...
lift the heart, open it up ...

ommmmm shree gurupyo namaha ..."

This was a particularly beautiful yoga class with a particularly love-filled teacher. Every person at my yoga studio is beautiful, light-filled and positive. But I have a special affinity for one teacher and am always joyful if she happens to sub for one of my classes. Every word and action is filled with such pure love from her heart that I feel transformed afterward.

Throughout class, she lovingly guides us through each asana, her voice rhythmically reminding us to feel our beautiful breath warming us ... to extend the spine fully and feeling it yield more space ... to extend the arms out in each direction in Warrior, hugging the muscles close to the bones. Her voice is the sound of my own heart beating, reminding me of the beautiful and perfect life force that is my essence and being.

We work through the opening warm-ups, eyes closed ... reaching, extending, breathing. We stand for Sun Salutations, the body becoming more heated through each set ... folding, lunging, holding the body strong in Plank, pulling the hips back and up for Downward Dog ... linking breath to movement, the rhythms becoming automatic, the mind chatter ceasing and now easing into the beauty of simply breathing as the body sweats and moves through the poses like a dance.

My eyes are closed through most of my practice. My mind becomes quieter, calmer. I listen to my breath ... deep inhale like the sound of the ocean withdrawing from shore ... deep exhale, the sighing of the waves reaching forward once again.

We practice Savasana, Corpse Pose, at the end, lying fully relaxed on our backs, every muscle released - top to bottom - the face and eyebrows and eyes relaxed. "Nothing to do, nothing to undo" Peter, a former teacher, used to say.

As I lie there, I notice the thoughts that come up in my mind ... but I don't attach to them. I simply note them and let them go. I am not hear to think about them. I am calming and quieting the mind, so I can more clearly think of these things later. In my mind, I climb into my little place where I sit and let go, disappearing within.

Afterward, the most beautiful closing chant I've ever experienced in a class.

"... hari hi .. ommmmmm ..."

Beauty and goodness fill the teacher's chant,

every syllable slow and deliberate, deeply imbued with love ...

pouring forth every beautiful thing: love, goodness, kindness, caring

I feel grounded, with a deep abiding knowledge of exactly who I am

my authentic self, with a mind bright and clear and shining

pure and unaltered

no self-doubt, no hesitation

only a surety of self, a groundedness ...

filled with beauty and light

I feel completely and fully filled with joy in every molecule of my being in that moment.

Uninterrupted peace and bliss.

My teacher is such a beautiful gift.

May you breathe in peace and beauty today. Namaste.

Things I like about birthdays

Things I like about birthdays

Going to the mailbox and being surprised with another new card

The variety of cards, some sweet, some funny (fo shizzle, Vic!)

Displaying my birthday cards where they can give me a smile when I see them

Yoga class on my birthday

Getting my very own birthday post from my online decorating buddies filled with such sweet, sweet messages, plus virtual balloons, cupcakes (zero calories!), roses and other goodies

Having birthday wishes posted to my facebook wall from friends new and old

Reading tons of birthday e-mails from family and friends

Getting a birthday call from my brother
Getting a birthday call and song from my other brother

Having my granddaughters call and sing "Happy Birthday"

The beautiful lillies and touching card from my beautiful friend Ryann at the yoga studio

Having a special birthday dinner with my daughter and her family
Enjoying delicious German chocolate cake made by my eldest granddaughter

Don't you love birthdays and being celebrated by those who love you and care about you? Receiving love and good wishes for days and days, smiling at the comments, laughing at the jokes, feeling the caring goodness of others. My cheeks are positively sore tonight from smiling all day long. In yoga class, as I opened my heart, I could feel it filling with love from all the beautiful people in my life, and then I opened my arms wide, lifted my crown chakra to heaven and sent that love forth from my heart to the world ... sparkling, bright, clear images of peace, love and goodness to all beings everywhere.

Thank you, dear friends. You remind me of all the various parts and history of who I am and who I have been. Each of you holds a different piece. I am abundantly grateful to have you share some part of my life's journey with me. How happy you make me!

Namaste

Six days off ...

I decided to "bookend" the Thanksgiving holiday and took off last Wednesday and today, Monday, so I could have have six days off from work. Whee! I made lists of all the things I was planning to accomplish: Christmas shopping, Christmas cards, finish scraping the wallpaper glue in the bathroom and paint it, finish painting the office, buy some bookcases and get all the stuff off the floor in the office, garden clean-up, post some things on Craigslist - oh, baby I had plans, big plans!

I got the Christmas shopping done ... mostly.

And I got a few things posted on Freecycle, which enabled me to get rid of an end table. I've been wanting to release things from my home lately. There's a feeling that there's too much stuff and all that stuff needs to be taken care of in some way, whether cleaning or dusting or storing or rearranging. Even getting rid of stuff takes some action on my part.

I'd like to get rid of my big looming entertainment center and get a lower media table, something that takes up less space in my space. I want to get rid of my big square French Country-style coffee table and replace it with something smaller with simpler lines, and a more open feeling to it. My beautiful china hutch takes up too much room in my tiny dining area and I yearn for open space there, too. Heck, I want to get rid of all that crystal and glassware and the china, too, which I never use and am simply storing for no good reason. (The china was my mom's but honestly, it's not something that I'd buy for myself.)

I want less stuff. More space. I want to release anything that's crowding my life, my space, my psyche. Lighter, airier, cleaner, clearer.

My garage needs a really good clean-out. I used to live in a small apartment with no storage or garage; I used to know exactly every single thing that I owned in the world cuz what I had was what I used. I had exactly what fit into my space. I miss those days. When I bought this place, everyone said how great to have a two-car garage and "all that storage space"; I couldn't even imagine what I would store in there. Now there are beach chairs and old paint, a garden bench and leftover laminate flooring, some old shelves, closet doors ... it's all got to go. I don't need any of it; I don't want any of it. I want the space. Open space. A cabinet for the paint. A table to pot plants. A pegboard for tools. That's it. The rest must go.

I'm even thinking about a couple of friendships that have come to the end of their time. Friendships that were great in their time, but have gently faded away and need to be released now.

I've been to yoga five days in a row while I've been on vacation and feel great: energized, renewed, strong. Yoga helps me quiet the mind and release unnecessary distractions. Is that part of why I feel this yearning for simplicity so much more strongly now? Doing vinyasa flows activates the energy flow in the body, repeating the patterns over and over in a kind of meditation ... breathe in, arms up ... breathe out, forward bend ... lunge, downward dog, 8-point namaskar, cobra ... over and over. The simplicity of breath. Breathe in, straighten the spine. Breathe out, release a little more.

I can feel my life shifting again. I need to breathe out and release a little more.

Namaste

PS. Dad's doing great! He's exceeding the physical therapist's goals and already has 105 degree range of motion. Thanks for your good thoughts and prayers on his behalf.

random rose ...

A random assortment of thoughts late on a Sunday night ...

~~~~~

I was very happy to go to church last night. I was there about 15 minutes early and got to spend some time in meditation and prayer before mass. Just lovely. This is only the 2nd time I've been to Saturday 7:30pm mass but I think I'll make it my practice. (It will be nice not rushing for 8am mass on Sundays!) The Saturday service is less crowded, a bit older ... more experienced - lol! With the smaller congregation, it felt more intimate. I love to go to Mass. During communion, I watch all the long lines of faith-filled parishioners respectfully waiting for their turn to receive. And I often imagine all the other churches in my county having mass and communion at that same time, all the long lines in their churches ... and all the people lined up in the state, in the country, in the world. Lines and lines, their hearts and thoughts intent upon the action they are about to take. I'm not alone in my faith.

Our priest last night was a Vietnamese brother; he's been with our parish for a few years now and has told us stories of growing up in dire circumstances. I am grateful that I can openly practice my faith so easily, that there's a church right here with its doors open, that there's a community of good, caring people who I can share my faith with and be supported. I don't have to hide in a basement to have mass or fear any government reprisals. Freedom is such a gift. Watching this brother and knowing of his struggles, I am humbled and grateful.

~~~~~

I fully embrace the greeting "Namaste." Its essence is "I honor the Divine in you that is also in me." "Nama" means "bow, "as" means "I" and "te" means you ... "I bow you." Namaste recognizes the Divine with one another ... and smiles. How wonderful to great each day with the intent to honor and greet the Sacred within one another! Doesn't it just make you smile already? Makes my God within just want to dance with joyful abandonment. Whee!

~~~~~

I found what looks like a wonderful movie: http://www.onetheproject.com/ I've watched a few clips and smiled through each one. (Thich Nhat Hahn's among them, of course; he's such a favorite of mine. I could listen to him read an insurance policy and be enthralled.) To hear great spiritual leaders talk about God, about fear, about the Oneness of humanity - I'm going to download the movie and spend a couple of hours enjoying it thoroughly. I already know I'll be smiling throughout. "Peaceful Warrior" is another movie in a spiritual vein that I recommend very, very, very highly.

~~~~~

There's a big shift that I can sense in my life right now, a subtle excitement in the undercurrent of each day. I can feel it within me: whereas I was at a plateau for a few months, there are just so many good things coming into my life lately (books, stories, experiences, people) that are stirring me to grow further in my consciousness. Someone once told me that not everyone is seeking a higher consciousness, a deeper connection with the Divine. I accept that. And I accept that I am one of those who is seeking. We are each who we are. When I was young, I found that people generally thought you were a world-class weirdo if you acknowledged some of the "God experiences" that I believe most of us have. I always wanted to talk to others about them and my thoughts, but it's such a personal thing and there's not a lot of acceptance of "woo-woo" talk.

Some years ago, I became friends with a wonderful woman who said I needed to give myself permission to be who I am, not who others wanted me to be for their own comfort. I needed to stop restricting myself and embrace my "inner woo," if you will. Big, gigantic breakthrough for me: I gave myself permission to embrace every nook and cranny of who I am and what I experience without reservation. And then things started to flow into my life once I opened that door: people, experiences, words, music, yoga - a wide variety of gifts that pulled me further along my path in a rush.

I make different choices, choices that suit me. Always a person of peace, I started to become very aware of the subtle ways that violence permeates our lives and I make choices to avoid that violence. I don't see movies with gratuitous violence - killings, car chases, that sort of thing. No violent sports on TV. I'm not a big fireworks fan. I don't play games for competition but just for the fun of the game. Competing makes us separate, me vs. you. I want to embrace Oneness instead.

~~~~~

And speaking of oneness, how about happy dancing with people all over the world? Pure joy!


Where the Hell is Matt? (2008) from Matthew Harding on Vimeo.

suspicious minds ...

“As human beings we all want to be happy and free from misery… we have learned that the key to happiness is inner peace. The greatest obstacles to inner peace are disturbing emotions such as anger, attachment, fear and suspicion, while love and compassion and a sense of universal responsibility are the sources of peace and happiness.”
~ Dalai Lama

Lotus Pond - Bruno Baumann


The other night after yoga, I was speaking with another student, discussing his hip problems and the spondylolisthesis of my spine and how yoga is so helpful. He told me of a therapist in LA who'd really helped him and that he'd give me the man's number. I thanked him but told him quite honestly that I probably wouldn't drive all the way up to LA and that a friend had recommended someone who was closer.

The man's response: "Well, you must not be hurting that bad if you're not willing to drive to LA."

I thought it was an odd comment at first, and then I gave it my full consideration, thinking about whether there was any truth for me in his observation.

Some might have thought his comment was insulting. This was the first time we'd spoken and he didn't know me or what I've been through with this condition, as well as other pain issues (from fibromyalgia, sciatica, scoliosis, transitional vertebra). Maybe he was being intentionally rude ... or maybe not. I don't know and really what does it matter if he was? The only one who knows the intention behind that comment is him. Any speculation on my part would be just that: speculation.

I'm not big on speculating about other people's motives for doing or saying what they do. I know of people - co-workers, family, friends - who often second-guess other's intentions: "I know that he did that just to spite me." "I know she did that because she wants his money." Uh, no, you don't know.

One person in particular is prone to spinning her theories and suspicions as if they're the absolute truth. When I gently counter with the fact that she doesn't really know, she insists that "well, it's obvious what she was trying to do. Anyone can see that!"

Hmmm ... I think I may be missing the "righteous indignation" gene ...

Have you ever had anyone misread your intentions? I've had a couple of occasions where I've said or done something with the best of intentions ... and later found that the other person assumed something entirely different than I'd intended. I would apologize for any hurt feelings and discuss the issue with a listening heart to both explain my intentions and also to better understand the other's perception.

Many misunderstandings arise from an incorrect perception. I could have perceived the fellow student's comment as rude and thoughtless, but that would be merely my perception, and not his truth, which only he knows.

These kinds of assumptions can really damage a relationship, so I try to never speculate about the intent behind another person's actions. Well, that's not entirely true. I do make one assumption: I always trust first in others' positive intentions. And I hope that others trust in my positive intentions.

I believe that it's very rare that anyone would be intentially malicious and hurtful to a friend. Am I being naive? Maybe. I've been told that I'm too trusting of others. Do I miss signals when someone is truly intending to be rude or disrespectful? Probably so. But what harm is there in that?

If someone is being rude, that's on them and has nothing to do with me or my happiness. I'd rather be naive and trusting in my happy little bubble of bliss than be suspicious and hurt for no good reason other than my own misguided assumptions. I'm much happier feeling that everyone in my circle is a good, kind, loving person and that we all have one another's best interests at heart. It's a nice way to live.

Namaste

remember ... remember ...

I must be self-indulgent today and write for myself. I am filled with thoughts, feelings, experiences, triggered by my uncle's death. My thoughts have been ajumble with memory and sharing with relatives-seen-too-seldom for my taste. Time is such a thief. "I'd love to see you more, but you know ... so busy, so little time." Such a thief. And then the door closes and you realize that we gave Time our full permission to steal from us. Complicit in the crime, we just leave the door wide open and our wallet on the table. We're temporary; each moment is precious. Engage with those you love.

I'll likely be rambling through the rest of this, just needing to get my thoughts on paper*. Feel free to abandon ship right now and not read any further, if you wish. But be fairly warned if you choose to continue. I didn't make you do it. Thanks!

*I love expressions like "thoughts on paper" and "I'll cc you on that." We don't really often put thoughts on actual paper and when was the last time you made a carbon copy of a note? Adages that have evolved from their meaning when I was a kid make me smile.

~~~~~~~~

photo courtesy of Tracy

I. Yoga of loss

Last Monday, at the beginning of yoga class, our teacher, Maureen, asked if there was anything in particular we wanted to work on. "Hip openers," I said. I needed to release some of the sorrow I'd been carrying all week and hip openers are designed for releasing emotion in a big way. Just what my body was craving. We did several hip openers throughout class (including a wonderfully long pigeon pose) and as I breathed through each asana, releasing on the exhale, I could feel these sticky bits within me releasing their hold and opening up, sometimes with a soft "pop!" sound. I could feel my breath become fuller, my clarity more clear. I really love hip openers, even when I'm not holding any deep emotion. Bonus: they're a wonderful release from the spondylolisthesis and sciatica pain. Great stuff.

At the end of class, as were guided to lie still and relax in savasana - that state of surrender without attachment, being aware but not engaged - I decided I would like to softly think of my uncle and feel blessings for him during this time. I relaxed my body, closed my eyes, opened my heart and aimed my love at an image of him in my mind. As soon as I saw his image, though, I felt this sudden rush of love coming from that image ... and then very quickly, I felt others rush forward with him - my mom (oh, Mom!), my aunt, uncles, grandparents, friends - and they all hurtled love at me like an uncontrolled flow from a fireman's hose. I was briefly unnerved at first, sputtering against the unexpected flood, then I relaxed and opened my heart ("receive what you have been given") and I could receive it all, feeling it fill the spaces just opened up by the earlier poses in class.

Amazing experience.

~~~~~~~~

II. The Vigil-formerly-known-as-the-Rosary

Thursday night was the Vigil. Pre-some-change-in-the-church rules, we used to have a Rosary service on an evening prior to the funeral. Everyone kneeling, rosary beads in hands - some of those hands smooth and young, others gnarled with arthritis and wrinkled with time - the priest would begin each prayer and those gathered would complete it, in a call-and-response cadence. You do five decades of those - the prayers droning in a sonorous rhythm, buzzing in the chapel like bees on a hot summer day - and you're in such a wonderfully meditative state, feeling that interconnectedness with the Sacred within. (I can always use more interconnectedness with the Sacred within.)

Nowadays, though, it's a Vigil; you get a nice, small service and, for the Rosary part, it's one decade and you're on your way. Seems like my tio got cheated.

My mom had always said she wanted her full five decades when she crossed over, and my dad and brother made darned sure she got 'em when she crossed in 1990, by golly. My brother had to make a special request, but I'm so glad Mom got it the way she wanted. I have strong memories of sitting near her feet as a kid, with her sitting in the upholstered rocker (which now sits in my living room), her beautiful crystal rosary beads in her fingers, eyes gently closed, her lips slightly moving, the soft sussurous whisper of the prayers from deep within her soul. (I can feel the depth of her faith in those moments.)

At her rosary, we prayed every last prayer, moved through every single bead. After the service, several older women all gathered around Mom's open casket. In a bit of a semi-circle, they began to sing, a strikingly beautiful sound, a capella, with deep and powerful emotion. The tears silently coursed down their cheeks as they bravely sang for her. They'd been schoolgirl friends of my Mom and they all used to sing together in church choir. And now they gathered and sang for Mom, hands held together, arms around one another, singing her over to Heaven.

Amazing experience.

~~~~~~~~

III. Losing my stories

My mom came from a family of ten children. Growing up, we had a lot of tios and cousins that we'd visit with very regularly, some were on the same block when I was very little. All the family was very close and we cousins grew up together.

From those ten, there are now two uncles who remain on this side. Gathered together for my Uncle Art this week, we all shared a lot of "remember" stories -

"remember that time with the garter snake?",
"remember driving through those fields to tio's house?",
"remember how we used to ..."

remember ...
remember ...
remember ...

These are the only people who know my childhood stories first-hand, who have known me from my beginning on this side. As each one ages and moves on, they take my stories with them, one by one. Each one has a different piece of my story, various bits of my life's narrative ... each unique piece making a "pop!" sound as it is released and disappears. Pop! Fifty years from now - likely, less than that - there will be no human alive who knows my childhood stories first-hand. There won't be any memory of them left on this side.

Amazing experience.


Namaste

receive what you have been given ...

This morning at yoga, I found myself so thankful for my body and all that it has taught and continues to teach me.

In 10 years of ballet, it taught me about perseverance and challenging myself, trying again and again with determination and strength …

In ballroom and salsa dancing, my body taught me how to interact with another closely and cooperatively; one of the greatest joys of being a dancer is when the two of you connect so well that you are both in total harmony with one another, singing the music with your bodies …

When I was pregnant, it taught me about miracles, as I was amazed at this new human life growing and moving within me, connecting not just my heart but my now body to God in His miracle …

When I went through an extended labor, my body taught me that I am connected to all other creatures, sharing in the most primal experience of birth, raw and guttural and painful in its amazing beauty …

When I had cervical cancer, it taught me that I could either be fearful and worried, or I could be strong and accepting – I could receive what I’d been given – releasing any worry and simply taking the steps I needed to take, knowing that we are all only here temporarily and what would be, would be…

When I hug a loved one or a new friend, it teaches me the importance of physical touch, how a physical embrace, heart to heart, arms wrapped around one another, can bring joy in good times and enormous comfort in bad; the same embrace, yet experienced differently when it’s infused with emotional intention …

Through fibromyalgia, my body has taught me to slow down and pay attention to how I’m feeling each day and to make any necessary adjustments, a lesson I use at work and in relationships: slowing down to pay attention and then adjusting accordingly …

My body has taught me that knowledge truly is power; when I found out last year that the back and hip pain I’ve had for many years was due to a transitional vertebrae, scoliosis and spondylolisthesis – and when I saw the x-rays and truly understood how my spine and bones were formed – I was given a beautiful gift; now that I have an “inside view”, I can make the necessary adjustments to manage and even reduce the pain …

This morning in yoga, as I extended my arms up to the heavens in Sun Salutation, I felt the strength and wholeness of the entire length of my body, fingertips to heels.

I leaned forward in Warrior III, balancing on one strong, straight leg and extending the other leg back and up. Heart slightly lifted, I focused my gaze, pressing my hands together at heart center, and held the balance.

Still body, still mind;
still mind, still body.

Thank you, body/self, for serving me so well!

Namaste.

release and surrender

Where am I?
I am here.

What time is it?
Right now.







Eyes closed, legs crossed, hands at heart center
I sit. I breathe.

I am here, on my mat.
I am present here, now.

I am trying to release an issue that occurred earlier in the day,
but the emotion keeps nibbling at the edges of my consciousness.

Breathing in, I fill my lungs with a smooth, steady, great inhale of air -(release the emotion)
Breathing out, I extend the exhale, wringing every last bit of air from my lungs. (surrender it ... let it go ...)

Breathing in, I am aware -
I scan my body for tight spots, I scan my mind for any tight spots
Breathing out, I smile - to all that is me, here, tonight

Again, I breathe in, counting 1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ... 6 ... I am aware ...
Breathing out ... I smile (there! it's released. Thank you, God.)

We begin our surya namaskars (sun salutations):

Inhale - hands out and up, extending the spine, legs strong, muscles engaged
Exhale - dive down to Forward Fold, spine extended, head relaxed

Inhale - right foot back, lunge deeply, heart raised up, legs engaged
Exhale - Down Dog, spine extended (oh, yes, this feels so good, I smile), core engaged as I push back and lift my tailbone

Inhale - forward into Plank, arms are strong, legs straight and engaged
Exhale - lower down to knees, chest, chin ... noting the strength of the triceps ... eight-point namaskar ... strong, muscles engaged

Inhale - lower down to the mat ... rise into Cobra, heart raised, back muscles tightly engaged
Exhale - push back into Down Dog ... lengthen the spine, extend the arms, raise the tailbone

Inhale - left foot forward into lunge, heart raised, deeply lowering the hips
Exhale - bring the right foot foward to Forward Fold again, muscles starting to feel fluid ... engaged and relaxed at the same time

Inhale - with straight back, engage the back muscles and extend the arms forward and up, looking up between the hands
Exhale - arms forward and then pulled back in to heart center

Inhale - the sound of the ocean as it sighs, pulling the wave back from shore
Exhale - the wave returning to lap at the shore, happily releasing the tug of gravity

Set after set - like sets of ocean waves - we go through the surya namaskars, releasing, surrendering to the flow of the breath ...

Inhale - I am aware ...
Exhale - I smile ...

Where am I?
I am here.
What time is it?
Right now.