The Trumpeter on the Beach

After my (now ex) husband left our daughter and me in 1980, I spent a lot of time sitting on the beach. I was so lost, so betrayed, so filled with grief. How could the rest of the world continue on when I was hurting so much? How could people smile and laugh and go on as if my heart wasn’t shattered into pieces?

So I sat on the beach, watching the waves move in and out, trying to get my bearings again. The waves always came to shore and then always pulled back, ever constant. Watching the waves and seeing the world continue on was a salve to my broken spirit.

As I sat there crying one wintry day, a man walked slowly up the shoreline toward me, passed me and then stopped a few feet away. I noticed then that he held a trumpet in his hand. Putting it to his lips, he played that trumpet, the music carrying into the air, over the waves, into my soul. Listening to his music, my heart calmed, my spirit was washed and cleared and I felt a Divine sense of release. I felt my body relax as my eyes closed and I surrendered myself to the moment …a holy moment that shifted my soul and gave me peace. His song finished, the man continued his walk up the beach without a word or a glance at me.

I was in awe at what had just happened. I believe in angel visitations, which, to me, are either people who are divinely guided by their angel guides or who are actual angels manifesting on earth. I didn’t ponder too much over which one my trumpeter was, but I was thankful for his gift to me, a lonely girl crying on an empty beach.

All these years, I’ve remembered that day and the trumpeter on the beach. I always knew it was real, but was it a divinely guided person or an angel? And then I read this story earlier this week, about a man named Andrew Arnold, a body surfer who was known to play his trumpet at the beach where I sat that day in 1980. May your reward be great in heaven, Mr. Arnold. I’ve never forgotten you.

http://www.hbindependent.com/news/tn-hbi-me-1114-andrew-arnold-20131112,0,5652113.story

Here I am …

Really? it’s been over a month since I’ve posted?

For some reason the past month has had less time than any given month usually has. Does that ever happen for you? One day sometimes seems a bit longer than normal, stretching out and extending every minute into the very fullest, maxed-out minutes ever. Then another day seems to have the shortest minutes ever dashed into time and space, the kind that surprise you as you watch the day speed by in a blur.

I’ve had a month of those teeny minutes, too-short days and just couldn’t fit it all in. I LOVE reading my favorite blogs and I haven’t even read any of them for weeks. Time to catch up! (I’m supposed to be doing my taxes right now, but I’d much rather check out what everyone’s been up to. You understand, right?)

First, thank you so much for those amazing comments on my last post about heaven being in the everyday moments. There is such beauty, grace, love and wisdom from each one of you. I bow (and hold it a few minutes. You really touch my heart. Namaste) If you didn’t read the comments, you might enjoy checking them out.

Laura - You mention angels among us. I regard you as one of them, gentle one. Your thoughts and honest wisdom always resonate with me.

Debra – Yes, there is true joy and peace found in the small, simple and everyday. Seeing the life force and beauty of a small stone or a bird’s song.

Darla – Goodness, but I always adore your loving enthusiasm! We are blessed!

Connie – I am so blessed by your friendship and so grateful for it. “Heaven is all around us - we only have to stop, look, listen and smell.” You’re part of my heaven.

Sharon – Glad you enjoyed the pics! I hope things are warming up and you’re enjoying your blue sunny skies!

Carol – Woods work, too! Any place with a life energy fits the bill, doesn’t it?

Roselle – I’m amazed and in awe that your life has been a message of angels and miracles. So wonderful that you realize it and acknowledge it! I think most of us experience heaven and miracles, but aren’t always open and aware of it. You have a grateful heart because you know.

Rebecca – “I believe that when we are at peace and when we feel loved, we tend to see the good that is out there.” I agree and concur! It’s interesting to me how two people can have the very same occurrence in their life, yet they can react to it in totally opposite directions, with one person grateful and blessed and the other person feeling unhappy or victimized. Peace and love (or lack of it) alter the experience. (( abrazos ))

Sheri – Thank you for the blog award! I learned much about you and share the same feeling about living near the water and about being truly, madly, deeply in love with life right now. SO AWESOME! You always always make me smile. I don’t usually do those lists myself, but for you, I will be very happy to make an exception – lol!

So, here I am … I’ve been doing some freelance writing for a website. Very cool project and I’m enjoying the content development. That’s part of the reason for my absence here; a lot of writing in the evenings or weekends.

And here I am … I’ve been trying to adopt a rescue dog for about two years and recently ramped up my efforts, checking petfinder.com daily, contacting organizations about specific dogs, completing applications and attending weekly dog adoption events at the pet supply stores. There are some great dogs out there! I’m allergic so have been focusing on non-allergenic breeds like Havanese, Maltese, etc. No luck so far, but I’m sure the time will come when “my” dog will present itself somehow. I think the organizations prefer to place the dogs in homes where they won’t be left alone the entire day. I understand that and I’m being patient. I totally trust that I’ll have my dog when I’m supposed to have her. I’m happy and grateful already knowing that there will be a four-legged companion in my life for me to love and care for. Peaceful and content.

And here I am … My daughter, son-in-law and two granddaughters have been living about 50 miles away from me for the past few years. Good news: They’re moving back to Huntington Beach! I’m so thrilled! They’ll only be 2.5 miles from me; we can ride bikes back and forth on the weekends. Their landlord is totally sprucing up their new home; everything should be complete May 1. They’re moving out of their current home next weekend 4/9 and will just stay with me for a few weeks before their move-in. This way the girls can get into school here for the last couple of months. Jasmine (14) moved in with me last weekend; Brianna (10) will be here this Wednesday; we’ll move ‘em next weekend (their stuff will go in the garage of their new place for now) and then everyone will be here. My usually peaceful home will be fun and funny and filled with family. I’m so happy they’re coming back to HB!

And now I’m off to catch up with you all! Those taxes can wait …

Gratitude – come see my guest post on Shine the Divine

My lovely friend Laura asked me and several other bloggers to guest on her blog throughout the month of November, sharing our thoughts on gratitude. Laura has an amazing strength and resilience that always inspires me. A talented artist, photographer, writer, wife, mother, counselor; loving, kind, courageous and wise.

After you read my post (and Cathy’s too!), please explore her site and her story; be sure to check out the Thanksgiving post and the glorious, colorful Gratitude quilt, a gathering of over 100 writers. 

http://orli-shines.blogspot.com/2010/11/gratitude-month-continues-with-guest.html

Dinner on a roll

I stayed with my brother and sister-in-law from last Sunday night until Wednesday night. Those three days really helped me on the road to healing, as I didn't have to do everything myself those first few days. My SIL made sure I had ice for the swelling, they gave me meals, I had my own suite with bathroom, a big comfortable bed - so grateful.  The pain is tons less than it was initially, the swelling is going down and I'm sure that with all the prayers and good wishes from friends and family the healing is going well.

They went with me to the ortho on Monday. Instead of a cast, he allowed me to stay with the boot and crutches as long as I promised not to put any weight on the left leg for 3.5 weeks. After that, I can walk with a walking boot while it completes healing. Not bad, huh?

I returned home Wednesday night and my brother set up wireless in my home and I set up my personal and work laptops on the dining table. Each morning, before I come downstairs, I gather everything I need for the day (cell phone, paperwork, etc.) and put it in a plastic bag and then I booty-bump it downstairs, dragging the plastic bag behind me. I stay downstairs all day, then go back upstairs at bedtime with my plastic bag of anything that needs to go back upstairs. Pretty hilarious if you could see it in person, but heck, it works!

I find myself filled with gratitude daily for so many things! My little stand-up shower allows me to hang on to the walls with no danger of falling; my kitchen is small enough that it’s just two steps to the fridge or the stove or the sink. Small is good! I’m finding all kinds of ways to manage on my own and it’s working out just fine. AND I’m asking for help when I need it. My neighbor just put my trash cans out for pick-up and gave my front plants a good watering for me. I believe most people want to be helpful; we simply have to put away our egos and let them do so.

I even found a way to get my dinner from the kitchen to the living room. (Bad, I know. I eat in front of the TV.) My brother brought my stool downstairs for me on Monday so I could prop my leg up. I found that it also makes a very handy transport device! I put my meal (salad and tuna last night) on the stool and then push it ahead of me with my crutches – ta-da! (See the crutch in the pic below?) My buddy Chris cracked up when I told him. I think it’s pretty clever. Necessity is the mother of invention – lol! So, that’s the latest. I’m looking forward to walking in just a couple more weeks. Every time I use the crutches I think to myself "You grew it, you lift it." LOL!

Time to be together …

The last couple of months have been very busy, some event or gathering every weekend, getting together with family and friends, multiple events on the same day – just an unusual flurry of activity. (Boy, my home really needs a good cleaning – lol!)

A dear friend married her love at a beautiful garden ceremony at a luxurious hotel in Los Angeles. The garden was beautifully set in a Chinese theme with pink and white paper lanterns overhead; the food was delicious. Most of all, I was thrilled to see my friend looking so radiantly happy with her new husband! I caught up with an old friend there, as we all—friends and (very large) family—celebrated the happy couple.

Another friend’s daughter celebrated her First Communion, a beautiful milestone in her religious education; everyone—adults and children—got together in the family’s home afterward to celebrate with a big spread. I had a great time!  Recently, I was also lucky enough to attend the dance recital of another friend’s daughter; I loved it. She danced beautifully, was very comfortable on stage performing, and I really enjoyed all the other dance numbers, too. The littlest ones are always so cute!

We spent a weekend in Three Rivers, California (near Sequoia National Park) to share in my sister-in-law’s (my ex-husband’s sister) 25th wedding anniversary. They renewed their vows on a wooden bridge over the Kaweah River.  The husband (they’re both in theater) sang to his wife during the ceremony; oh, it made me cry, hearing the love in his song! A reception followed, with slideshow, music, flowers, food. The family all stayed to clean up, washing pans and utensils in the big church kitchen, packing the extra food, everyone horsing around and laughing. We all went back to my sister-in-law’s home, which sits with the river at their back door, talking and laughing late into the night. The next day, my daughter, son-in-law and two granddaughters and I went to Sequoia National Park to visit the giant redwoods. Were we surprised when we got up there and it was snowing! Fun trip!

A friend drove out from Arizona with her daughter and mother for a short visit, so myself and 4 other friends drove out to Playa del Rey to have dinner with them. Non-stop gabbing – lol! We had a great time!

Several of my old high school chums have met again on Facebook, friends I haven’t seen since high school back in … some time ago. One friend came out from North Carolina to visit so we planned a beach party mini-reunion so we could all get together in person. Omigosh! It was like we were all teens still in high school, teasing, telling stories, laughing till my stomach hurt! I had a perma-smile on my face from all the happiness; at one point I looked at my old friends, gathered talking and I looked at the sky, the beach … felt the warm sun and the breeze … and my heart filled with utter joy and contentment.

Today, my cousin David was buried. David, bigger than life, a man who lived every minute of his life with absolute gusto and enthusiasm. To him, a big family gathering was the norm, whether it be at the house or on a camping trip or a vacation or just being with family. When David was at the party, you knew you were going to be laughing. My dad would say he was “full of the devil.” What a great storyteller he was, too, adding just a little embellishment to make the story even better. He reminded me of Dean Martin when he smiled, his eyes disappearing into starry twinkles at the corners, his dimples dotting his happy smile. He adored his beautiful wife, Linda; it was written all over his face when he looked at her. David was so full of life, that I think it makes his absence from this world even more apparent. He was a semi-truck driver and he was killed last Thursday in a tragic multi-vehicle accident. His sudden and unexpected loss has stunned the family.

We all got together on Saturday, seeing family that I hadn’t seen in years, meeting family that I hadn’t yet met, being with other family that I see more often, too. It’s always good to gather together with family, even under these circumstances. Normally, everyone has their lives, their day-to-day family and friends, but everything stops when something like this happens. We cancel our plans, we make calls, we get together and cry and hold one another, and we also share stories and laugh, because that’s what families do. The rosary and vigil was last night and it was wonderful to hear the tributes, everyone nodding in recognition as people remembered my cousin, his generosity, wonderful spirit and great stories.

This is all part of the journey, being with people, sharing happy times, comforting one another in loss. I’m sometimes tempted not to accept invitations to events or gatherings, to put off getting together for another time, being too busy, having too much to do to make time for others. I’m quite content with my own company, but I also love to be with those I care about. I have to remember that we’re all temporary. I have to say Yes more often, Yes to those good times, Yes to laughter and stories … and I’ll take time to experience and enjoy that wonderful sense of deep peace and contentment that comes from being with good people, people I love. I am so grateful for their footprints on my own life journey.

namaste

on acceptance …

“Receive what you are given.”

One of my yoga teachers, Peter, always had a way of saying things that resonated strongly with me. This was one of them, the idea of acceptance, of receiving both the good and the bad. I’ve meditated on this concept many, many times, unearthing its layers and meanings for my life. I use it several times a week to help guide me and my spirit with grace.

At my granddaughter’s softball game on Saturday, one of the parents complained to the coach that they’d only had one week to sell their fundraising items. The coach, of course, could do nothing about this, which the woman even acknowledged, but she went ahead and complained anyway. I thought it was pointless and felt that they were given a week; do the best that you can with it. And then contact the board and see how you can help next year to provide more time for fundraising. Complaining doesn’t change anything. The coach (who agreed with her) asked if anyone had had a chance to sell anything. My daughter said yes, she had. How much? he asked. “$180. And M (another mother) also sold $180.” Such a contrast: two mothers who received what they were given and moved with it in grace, doing what they could. Another mother who got aggravated and became immobilized in her aggravation as a result.

I’ve always said that if you become stuck in traffic, you have two choices: You can either get angry, honk your horn and yell at other drivers … or you can turn on the radio and sing. (Guess which one I am – lol!)

Yesterday morning, I had an appointment for my 2002 Civic’s 110,000 mile service. It has 132,000 miles but I couldn’t get the service (over $1000; timing belt and other major service) done previously when I was unemployed so I was happy I was finally going to get it done. As I headed out to my appointment, I immediately knew something was wrong: I had a flat. I drove the few houses back home and called the auto club. Problem :: solution. No getting angry or upset. Identify the problem; determine the solution. Receive what you are given. Deal with it. Get it handled. (I was immensely grateful that I didn’t get the flat when I was driving the 50 miles to my daughter’s home on a busy freeway. A grace.) A nice young man came out, replaced the flat with the temporary spare, I gave him a tip and went to the dealership.

At the dealership, we examined the tires and determined that I really needed to get all four tires replaced, but I could get by with doing two now and doing the other two at my next service. I also had a headlight that had been out for a month and needed to be replaced. Since it would be a few hours, I took the shuttle home. A couple of hours later, I got a call: the front brake rotors were below minimum and should be replaced. I could just replace the pads for now, though, and do the rotors at my next service. (Let me say here that I absolutely trust my service tech. He’s a great guy, I’ve known him for eight years and I trust him.) One of the suspension bushings was also broken and needed to be replaced. I knew the car had been riding really roughly and had meant to mention this when I brought the car in; now I knew why.

Even with a 5% discount on parts and service, the final total was $1800. I had all new belts, two new tires, new timing belt and tensioner, all new fluids, tire alignment, new headlight, new suspension bushing, new front brake pads … a complete service, head to toe, plus a very nice car wash to boot. It was more money than I’d planned for, but it is what it is. I haven’t had a car payment for six years and I plan on hanging on to my Civic while I save for a new one, so I need to have it well-maintained and safe to drive. I could complain and be upset at the expense, but it doesn’t change anything. I feel that I’m fortunate the tire went flat when it did, I’m fortunate the brakes are better, I’m fortunate the suspension is much better. Receive what you are given. I’ve been given an $1800 bill but I’ve also been given a safe, well-running car. Money well spent.

Namaste

PS. Thank you to those of you who dropped me notes to check that I was OK since I hadn't posted in a couple of weeks. I really appreciate your thoughtfulness! The new job is an 11-hour day with commute, so it doesn't leave me the time I'd like for reading my favorite blogs and for writing. Hoping that something shifts so I can have a bit more time. Thanks!

Silently soaring

It was a gorgeous clear day as I was out for my morning walk last week. Blue skies, warm weather, soft ocean breeze. I was in a great mood, happy to be out and enjoying the day. Everything seemed to be sparkling and vibrating with a positive energy.

As I was nearing the end of my route, I saw a hawk soaring in the sky, a few blocks away and to the right of me. I slowed down my pace to watch it in the distance … wings extended w-i-d-e … utterly effortless … soaring on the air currents.

Dipping one wing ever so slightly, the hawk made slow, lazy circles against the blue sky. One circle, two circles … no flapping of wings, just circling with absolutely no effort of any kind. Is anything in life as utterly effortless as that hawk soaring up there? I thought. Straightening out, the hawk lifted a little higher in the sky and began riding the air currents in my direction.

I was captivated by the peace and grandeur of this majestic bird. As I watched, I imagined what it would be like to be that hawk. Simply opening my arms/wings wide – opening up my heart and spirit - and soaring … soaring … completely unfettered, utterly free … no anchor binding me to earth, trusting that the air currents would support my journey … not making the slightest effort, no flap of wings, no sense of urgency. Nothing to do, nothing to undo. Just be. How peaceful it would be to soar like that, up in the silent sky above.

In an interview recently, the interviewer asked me what I’ve been doing since I was laid off in March. I gave an answer, but later I thought about it more. What have I been doing?

I’ve experienced the peace and beauty of a hawk soaring in the heavens.

I’ve laughed at the squirrels scampering along the lawn or at an industrious one hurrying up a tree with a peanut safely in its mouth.

I’ve made friends along my walking route: Jan and her Corgi, Penny Lane; John and his grandson; Geri who had shoulder surgery; the young couple who rescue and foster big dogs; the older couple who foster Great Pyrenees.

I’ve sat outside in the summer, enjoying my garden and the golden sunshine.

When a friend was in the hospital for lung surgery I went to visit her.

When my granddaughters had dentist appointments, I took them.

On Veterans Day, I went to Pier Plaza for a very moving ceremony.

When my old high school friend, June, came out to California to visit, we spent an afternoon at the beach catching up and laughing and crying as we shared our life experiences.

I took my family for a wonderful vacation in Mexico on the Mayan Riviera. And there were no worries about all the work I’d have to come back to.

I’ve fostered a wonderful, perfect dog named Snowbell that I fell in love with.

I’ve tackled long-delayed chores, giving the garden a thorough clean-up, painting the bathroom, painting and re-organizing my office (still in progress).

I’ve walked every day in the sunshine, firming up my legs and hips, strengthening my back, my skin brown from the sun, losing 15lbs. so far.

And this last week, I spent time with my son-in-law in the hospital, giving him massages to help with the nausea, spending time with him as his doctors found the cause of his illness and helped him to regain his health.

What have I been doing since I’ve been laid off? I’ve been grateful for the many wonderful and beautiful opportunities I’ve been given, so many things I wouldn’t have been able to do while working. I’ve slowed down, smelled the roses, walked in the sunshine.

I’ve opened my arms wide and I’ve soared.

Namaste

Honest Blogger

I've happily discovered several new blogs (to me) recently that truly speak to my soul. When I first started blogging, a couple of the blogs I first found were wonderful story blogs, people sharing the stories of their lives. Then some of my friends from my decorating group sites started blogs about decorating with a lot of beautiful pics, and I started following several of them. Somehow, I've been lead to sites lately that speak more to the spirit, to an awakening, to the beauty of our inner selves. These truly speak to me, as my own blog was initially intended to be about my own exploration to the center of my self. (I believe that age makes one more self-reflective. At least it does in my case. :-D)

One of those blog discoveries is Laura, at Shine the Divine: Creativity as a Spiritual Practice. Her blog includes her beautiful art and messages that bring a smile to the heart. Laura surprised me by awarding the Honest Blogger Award to me this week! Thanks, Laura! I'm not normally one who posts awards, but this really touched me because Laura is a new friend and sister in my journey.

Per some of the guidelines of the Honest Blogger Award, as honest bloggers we:

* Speak our truth from the heart and tell it like it is
* Share openly and honestly our true feelings without fear of judgement, blame or shame
* We acknowledge our strengths and weaknesses and don't see them in terms of success or failure
* We are free spirits

There are several more, all basically saying that an Honest Blogger strives to be honest, guileless, and acknowledge that we are each on our own unique and special journey.

I'll admit that I'm still not fully comfortable about sharing at times; I do still have some fear of judgement. I guess most of us do. We all want to be liked. We all want others' approval, not their disapproval. But there comes a point when we begin to learn to stand in our own truth, when the judgement of others doesn't matter as deeply as our desire to be known for who we are.

Who am I? A reader, a pianist, a dancer, a writer, an artist, a thinker, a person of love and peace and so much more. These are some of the things that I am in my self, outside of my relationships to others (family, friends, colleagues). To truly know my self is to know who I am when my identity is not defined by my relationships. It's easy to get caught up in being defined as mother, daughter, sister, friend, spouse, but in the still, quiet moments of life, we each stand alone and need to know who we are in that space.

There are many who I consider to be Honest Bloggers that I follow, so I don't feel comfortable awarding this to just one right now. If you feel that you are an Honest Blogger, though, (and honestly, you would know better than me) please take the award if you wish. Thank, you, Laura!

I wish you truth and peace in the still and quiet spaces. Namaste

Dad and Daughter

There's something like a line of gold thread running through a man's words when he talks to his daughter, and gradually over the years it gets to be long enough for you to pick up in your hands and weave into a cloth that feels like love itself. ~John Gregory Brown

Pic above: Dad's high school graduation portrait. He and the other boys in his graduating class each borrowed the photographer's jacket and tie for their portraits.

I spent a wonderful Friday afternoon at my Dad's house, just talking and being together (along with his wife), catching up on things, sharing memories, being present to one another. I count myself enormously blessed to still have him with us. He was born in 1929 and will be 80 this year. Mom crossed over in 1990, and we all miss her so much; I can't even think of Dad's crossing over without tearing up. I pray he lives many more years; he's had a couple of strokes, which have affected his memory, and as he says, he "can't hear worth a darn." He's been recently diagnosed with depression, probably because of his wife's own health challenges. He mourned so deeply when Mom crossed over and I'm sure he doesn't want to go through it again.

Pic above: Dad about 20 yrs. old

He's always been my hero, my champion, the most hard-working man I've ever known. He always worked two jobs throughout my childhood, rising very early, coming home very late, stopping home for a quick dinner between jobs. I had ballet lessons and piano lessons, one brother had trumpet lessons and a beautiful Besson trumpet, another brother played sports, paid for by Dad's long hours to ensure his family had what we needed to excel in life.

Pic above: Dad's ship, the USS Ernest G. Small. My youngest brother is named for the ship.

Dad's a quiet man with a wicked sense of humor and a multitude of catchphrases that always make me smile. My cousin Patsy's told me that when thinks of him, she always remembers his sayings, like "she looks like 40 miles of bad road."

His mom was half Apache and people can see the Native American in him. I asked him yesterday what his father was; "Good for nothing", he said, and left it at that. His father was an abusive man who did some pretty horrible things to all in the family. I think Dad's quiet strength comes as a result of a very hard childhood.

Pic above: Dad's Navy portrait

He loved being in the Navy, he's told me, and loved to be out at sea, away from everyone. I'm so much like him in that way, very comfortable in my own company, not one for big crowds and commotion, very calm and peaceful. I once painted an oil painting for him of a flowing river, because that's what he reminds me of: a smoothly flowing river, constant and calming.

Pic above: Some of Dad's medals and a letter from the Korean government commemorating his service in the Korean War.

As the only daughter, Dad may have spoiled me just a bit. For every ballet performance, he always brought me pink roses. When Mom would get frustrated with trying to teach me to cook or crochet or sew, she'd send me outside with a terse "Go outside and help your father!" My love of gardening developed because of him; I could spend hours digging in the dirt with him. Sweetpeas are my favorite flower because of the abundance of vines he grew against the chainlink fence in the backyard.

My Dad's my hero, my champion; a man of strong integrity, polite manners, a good, noble heart, kindness and gentleness, strong faith. I'm proud of him, and I adore and love him with all my heart.

Blessings to all Moms!

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms, both here and those who have crossed over to the other side! Happy Mother's Day, Mom!


It is such a gift and a joy to be a mom to my daughter and a grandmother to my two granddaughters. I am grateful for the gifts of these beautiful beings in my life who lift my heart and bring forth such love that I never knew was possible before I became a mom. Motherhood is an amazing, chaotic, wonderful journey.

Motherhood doesn't come with instructions; it's a journey largely traveled on instinct and prayer. We read books, we talk with friends, but ultimately we trust our hearts to guide us to the answers we need in the moment. I almost said "to the right answers" but who really knows what the "right" answer is when raising kids? The physician's credo "First, do no harm." applies to parenthood, too, I think.

I read once that we are most like God when we create. God, who created the stars of the sky, the land, the oceans, the animals, plants and all of Creation, also chose to give women the gift of creating and nurturing new life from within our very bodies. For the nine months of pregnancy, I was in complete and total awe that there was a life within me, part of me, but separate from me, too. I'm still in awe. With a new life growing inside me, I often felt an incredible connection with the Creator who chose to give women the ability to carry new life.

My two granddaughters are sleeping here in my home right now. Beautiful. Funny. Smart. Creative. Words are insufficient to describe my love for them. "If I knew grandkids would be so great, I would've had them first."

My daughter and son-in-law are out for the evening, but will also come back here to spend the night. In the morning, we'll go to the beach for breakfast on the pier, looking out over the vast expanse of the ocean of God's creation. And I will look at this beautiful family and be filled with joy that we are all together, that we are happy, healthy and abundantly blessed.

I am just so happy to be a mom! I sometimes think about my own mom and how she lives on through me and my brothers, and through my daughter and now my granddaughters, a tree that will continue to grow with love. Thank you, Father, for the gift of my mom, for the gift of being a mom and for the gift of being a grandmother. I am so happy and so grateful!

Living the fullest ...

"Do you have patience to wait till your mud settles and the water is clear? Can you remain unmoving till the right action arises by itself?”
- Lao Tzu

While I'm laid off and looking for my next great new job, I'm also trying to live the fullest life I can at this time and in this space. We have to make the best of any situation we are given. "Receive what you have been given."

Perhaps I've been given this (hopefully brief) respite from work for a reason. No matter the reason, though, each day must be lived to the fullest, being fully present to every moment, every breath. It's pointless to squander today by worrying about tomorrow. We only have this moment, right now. Be prepared always, but don't waste time in pointless worrying. It doesn't change anything and it only discolors the beauty and wonder of now.

In making the most of the situation, I start each morning with a walk. After years of sitting nearly immobile at a desk for long days (I used to tell my boss that I felt like a veal calf, locked in a pen), it's wonderful to get out and move each morning, drinking in the cool morning air, feeling the light breeze that is nearly a constant presence here at the beach. I listen to the birds chirping and watch the squirrels skitter up trees as I approach. I find myself smiling as I walk, enjoying every sensation, feeling the rhythm of the day as it opens up. A beautiful way to start each day.


I spend more time in the garden, too. I've cleaned up the winter debris, trimmed and fed the plants. I listen for the whirrrrrr of the hummingbirds as they visit the garden. I pull green worms off the sweetpeas ... cut white and red roses for bouquets to enjoy inside my home. Sweetpeas are my favorite flower: deliciously fragrant, frilly, feminine, colorful. I keep a little vase of them on the kitchen counter so I can stick my nose in them at any time. aaaaaah ...!

I'm also enjoying the luxury of time to call or meet up with friends. And having time to read articles online that I would've normally skimmed over. And doing some detailed cleaning that I've had to put off for so long. I love a clean, sparkling house! (When did the baseboards get so icky? Looks like I'll be painting trim, too.)


One thing that I've never had time to do was cook. As a single mom, I always worked long hours to support my daughter and I, so I didn't have time to plan, shop and prepare meals. After she grew up, I still worked long hours; plus there's a very low ROI to plan, shop and prepare a meal for one person. Hours of prep and clean-up for a meal consumed in 15 minutes. Whenever I'd buy fresh produce, I'd use some in a recipe, then the rest would go bad before I had time to prepare another meal using those ingredients. Such a waste. It's been nice to be home and to actually use up all the celery, all the onions, all the apples and oranges and cucumbers and everything else that used to spoil. I made soup for the first in my life recently. I felt so accomplished!


I call all these pleasures "Unemployment Benefits," things that I wouldn't normally have time to indulge in while working long days. If I knew that I would be starting a new job, say, on June 1, I would be thoroughly enjoying this time of being unemployed. There would be no nagging voice in the back of my mind harping at me constantly to focus on the job search to the exclusion of anything else. I could sit outside in the sun, guilt-free, relaxed, basking in the beautiful weather, the cool ocean breeze, listening to the birds, smiling at the hummingbirds' whirrrrrr, loving the scents of all the flowers.

I'd love to be working, but while I'm not, I'll live the fullest life I can and enjoy my unemployment benefits of beautiful days and simple times.

Trust ...

One night last week as I slipped into bed and prepared to read for a bit before going to sleep, I noticed how brilliant the moon was outside my bedroom window. Turning off the bedside lamp, I laid there looking at the moon, thinking. And praying.

"God?" I asked.
"Trust me," He answered.

We have this conversation from time to time, me asking for a bit of reassurance, some answers. The Divine telling me to simply trust. And so I do. And my heart is at peace. I stared at the moon and felt love glow within me until I fell asleep.

Two weeks ago (March 31), I was laid off. I knew it before I even went into work; I'd gone to the bank and noticed that my account had more money than it should have. The company had deposited my vacation pay so I knew I was going to be released that morning. So I went in, was laid off, gathered a couple of things and went back home.

It's actually nice to have this break; I hope it isn't too long, though. In 2001, my dot com company closed and I was off work for four months. In 2007, I was laid off due to company merger; that one was just 8 weeks before I landed this last job that I really loved. I have some savings that will help tide me over, for which I'm grateful.


I'm also grateful for this time. I have a number of things that have accumulated at home, projects that are not quite finished, an office that is 1/3 painted and mostly in boxes since I sold my large bookcase; a lot of cleaning and clearing that needs to be done. I feel that this is a great time to shed some of the debris in my life, physical, mental and emotional. Clearing away cobwebs. Losing the weight of stuff. Release the old and open up new spaces in my life. I want to get rid of some furniture that no longer works for me, I want to completely organize the garage, I want to get more exercise, do more cooking. I've been craving change for some time and it's time for change to manifest itself in my life.


My granddaughters were with me a couple of days last week and we had a wonderful time together. I've also spent time working in the courtyard, moving everything around, sweeping and cleaning the winter debris of fallen leaves and dirt, moving pots to new spaces, rearranging the furniture to better take advantage of the sunshine from my chaise where I like to sit and read on weekend days. I love the way the courtyard looks right now, with so many things coming into bloom and sending off new growth.

It's great to have time to take a walk each morning; so helpful for my bad hip and spine as long as I monitor how I'm feeling. The previous two times I was laid off in the fall and in late summer, so it's nice to be off during spring when everything is blooming and filled with a vibrant energy. As I walk, the birds are singing and swooping about. One neighbor has a row of peach trees with new fruit growing and the little birds love to taste the tiny peaches. I see what's blooming in everyone's yards, I notice some new construction, garage sale signs. People walking their dogs or just out for a walk always wave and say hello. The fresh air and sunshine put me in such a happy, grateful mood.

Last week, my mother-in-law, Phebe, passed away. Actually, ex-mother-in-law, but I've always remained close with my ex's grandmother and sister, who I claim as family. And in recent years, I've reconnected with my mother- and father-in-law, too, which has been a blessing to my heart. That may seem odd to some people, since their son and I divorced. But it's better to release things (like the pain of divorce) instead of being burdened by them. Freeing up the heart and opening it with love is just healthier and more connected to the Divine, I feel.

Phebe was a caring, loving, generous woman; as a young bride, I really bonded with her and she taught me a lot when I joined their family. She will be missed very much by all her friends and family who loved this fun, lively, spirited woman so much. We all know, though, that she is very happy to be reconnected to her loving husband in heaven. She's missed him so much and now they are happily laughing and loving together once again. May God grant peace and grace to all who love them both and miss them here.

Namaste

rollercoaster ...

It's been kind of a rollercoaster week.

Tuesday was the anniversary of my mom's passing. Most times when I think of her (nearly every day), I feel love and light; I see her smile, hear her laughter, feel her amazing energy and remember how she drew people to her with her humor, openness and generosity. But on Feb. 24 - even after all these years - I feel a disturbance in my spirit, even before I realize what day it is. When I scan my feelings to see what's causing this, I remember, and the memories of that day come flooding back. The prayers - bargains with God - as I rushed to the hospital, then the completely falling-apart sense of utter and devastating loss as I was told she was gone. Touching her face, sending her love, my entire being flooded with tears.

Tuesday was also the day that my manager told me that I was being rolled off the account that I'd been on since I started there. We've had some layoffs and I knew we still had to cut back more, so it wasn't completely unexpected. I was told to transition my work to another Project Manager and that the company was looking for another account that could use me. In the meantime, I knew I wasn't going to be billable, and in an agency, it's all about being billable. You don't bring in any money sitting on the bench; people need to perform billable work. I was hopeful they'd find an account that could use my skills, hopefully something meaty and engaging that I could really contribute to.

On Thursday, my cousin passed away. May he rest in peace, free from pain and discomfort, once again a light-filled spirit. This made it an even tougher week emotionally. (His services are on Wednesday; if you read this before then, please say a prayer for the family.)

Mom, work, my cousin - by Thursday afternoon, I was turning inward more, like a wounded animal that goes to the cave to heal alone. I consider it a privilege and an honor to have an opportunity to help a friend; as a little girl, I remember praying in church that God would provide me with ways in which I could show my love for Him by sharing His love with others. He has graced my life by answering that little-girl prayer. But I have a really tough time asking for personal support from others. I'm independent; I do for myself. I don't want to burden others with my troubles; everyone has their own to worry about.

On Friday, my last day on the account, we were going out for a girls-only happy hour. I'd been "in my head" most of the week, and I was looking forward to going out with everyone; I could use a little diversion. They are an amazingly wonderful group of women; all very intelligent, very professional, high achievers - just really quality people in every way. And sooooo funny! We have a great big, happy, joy-filled friendship among us, a strong team who share and genuinely care about one another. We support one another whenever someone needs a hand on a project; we lend an ear and a shoulder when someone needs it; we celebrate happy occasions.

As we left the office for happy hour, everyone went over to C's SUV and they told me to come over, too. They were trying to get a beach cruiser bike out of the back of her SUV. It was gorgeous: lime green, white basket, shiny and new. Wow - I've been wanting a cruiser for the last 10 years. I kept oohing and aahing, assuming that C had picked it up for one of the girls and they were going to put it in her car, lucky girl.

They pulled it out, set it on the ground, smiled and told me "Get on it."

What? ...

After a heartbeat's pause, I looked at them, stunned. And then the waterworks started. These beautiful, wonderful friends had pitched in and bought me the most awesome beach cruiser in the world for my last day on the team. (Just got a little teary again ...) My stomach is still doing flip-flops, completely and utterly amazed at the hugeness of their generosity and thoughtfulness.

Words are inadequate to express how I feel about this. I am enormously humbled. I would have been grateful for a goodbye card signed by them all. Oh - they gave me that, too, with the most beautiful personal messages from each of them.

I dreamed about my bike that night. I loved my old beach cruiser. My daughter and I used to ride all the time - down the beach, to her school - the ocean breeze blowing our hair, watching the sun set on the ocean. Riding a bike is such simple, pure fun! And my new bike is absolutely the best cruiser I've ever had. 1000 times better than any I've ever had. There's even a cute white basket. And a silk rose attached to the handlebars. And my wonderful friends gave me a rose-designed bell for the handlebars and rose stickers, too.

It's been a rollercoaster week, starting off on a downhill slide. But beautiful friends did a beautiful thing, sharing their hearts to do something extraordinarily generous and nice. I feel so blessed that we are present in one another's lives right now. We all click. I don't believe I've ever had such a tight bond with friends at work like this. It's kind of magical and amazing. It all feels so right and perfect.

Now to think of a name of my bike.

Namaste.

Things I like about birthdays

Things I like about birthdays

Going to the mailbox and being surprised with another new card

The variety of cards, some sweet, some funny (fo shizzle, Vic!)

Displaying my birthday cards where they can give me a smile when I see them

Yoga class on my birthday

Getting my very own birthday post from my online decorating buddies filled with such sweet, sweet messages, plus virtual balloons, cupcakes (zero calories!), roses and other goodies

Having birthday wishes posted to my facebook wall from friends new and old

Reading tons of birthday e-mails from family and friends

Getting a birthday call from my brother
Getting a birthday call and song from my other brother

Having my granddaughters call and sing "Happy Birthday"

The beautiful lillies and touching card from my beautiful friend Ryann at the yoga studio

Having a special birthday dinner with my daughter and her family
Enjoying delicious German chocolate cake made by my eldest granddaughter

Don't you love birthdays and being celebrated by those who love you and care about you? Receiving love and good wishes for days and days, smiling at the comments, laughing at the jokes, feeling the caring goodness of others. My cheeks are positively sore tonight from smiling all day long. In yoga class, as I opened my heart, I could feel it filling with love from all the beautiful people in my life, and then I opened my arms wide, lifted my crown chakra to heaven and sent that love forth from my heart to the world ... sparkling, bright, clear images of peace, love and goodness to all beings everywhere.

Thank you, dear friends. You remind me of all the various parts and history of who I am and who I have been. Each of you holds a different piece. I am abundantly grateful to have you share some part of my life's journey with me. How happy you make me!

Namaste

winter's light ...

Winter's light slants in through my bedroom window, suffusing the walls and the room in a surreal golden glow. This is one of my favorite times of day in the winter, shortly before the sun ends her day's journey by dropping into the Pacific Ocean, lingering above the waves, then - with a flash! - dropping gently over the horizon.

I was recently donating blood at the nearby park and I looked east out the window as I was lying there. I gazed at the distinctive bark of the tree outside, really studying its peeling beauty, when suddenly the tree became bathed in gold from the west. The nurse was looking the opposite direction, out the front doors facing west and she dreamily said "I love this time of day ... the way the day turns to gold." I turned to look at her and her entire face and body were washed in light as she faced the sun's glow.

In the spring and summer, the sun sits high overhead and my entire courtyard is bright and sunny. In the fall, as the sun moves lower toward the equator, the angle is entirely different. The courtyard falls into shadow, blocked by the buildings, the sunlight too low now to rise above them.

Instead of bold, confident sunshine, we get this moodier, more nuanced light, a gift of winter that makes me pause and be still, be aware. The lower light hits the prisms hanging in the south-facing windows, throwing dancing colors around the rooms. The sun, too high in the summer, only dances the rainbows like this in fall and winter.

Spring and summer are often raucous affairs, with birds singing, flowers blooming, summer parties; everything wildly alive. But fall and winter are gentler, quieter, giving us pause for reflection ... a break from the liveliness of the other two seasons ... passive yin to active yang ... the duality of nature in perfect balance, inviting us to slow down and rest a bit, like all in nature does at this time. She is ever the perfect teacher.

Winter's light slants through my windows and I pause and give thanks.

Om Shanti - Peace and all good for 2009

I tend to collect phrases that inspire me or reveal some truth to me or help me along my life's journey. Some I collect in a bound book, jotting down a phrase or a writing that I want to be able to reference again later. Others find their way onto the chalkboard closet doors in my office where I can see them each day and be reminded. Scraps of paper on my desktop or in my purse capture phrases, too, for those moments when the book or the chalkboards aren't handy.

Zen Habits and The Happiness Project have posts about writing your personal commandments. Mine aren't exactly commandments; maybe more like reminders or philosophies I want to reflect on. They're ever-changing, ever-evolving, so I can't really write a definitive list of personal commandments. For instance, like most people, I'm constantly striving for self-improvement: learning greater patience, practicing detachment and simplicity, slowing down, living in the moment and being fully present. I make progress, often slowly, but I keep learning and refining the lessons.


Some random thoughts/guidelines for my personal reflection as we ease into 2009:

***

Live in Harmony ... with others, with the earth, with nature, within myself

Move with the rhythm; let it flow

Practice ahimsa/non-violence - in thought and deed. No evil thoughts, no anger against others; learning gentleness and forgiveness. Avoid anything that's destructive instead of nurturing and gentle. Think Kwai Chang Caine (King Fu)

See the Divine in all things.

Be comfortable with the chaos.

Practice aparigraha/non-attachment - letting go, releasing, non-clinging, without fear of loss or change. "...the yogi makes his life as simple as possible and trains his mind not to feel the loss or the lack of anything. Then everything he really needs will come to him by itself at the proper time." (B.K.S. Iyengar) Also Matthew 6:25-34.

Worrying about tomorrow squanders the joy of today. Don't give energy to anything that you don't want to manifest in your life.

Be a better friend.

Remember that the world sparkles and dances with the Light of the Divine. We all carry that Light within.

Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

Have a sense of wonder! Be ready to be surprised.

Laugh more; don't take it all so seriously.

Live and dance to your own music. Sparkle. Spin with your arms wide open. Embrace all the love in the world.

Happiness is a choice in attitude; it does not require things or others.

Receive what you have been given.

Be fully present to now. The next thing will happen when it happens. (The next thing always happens.)

I do not have a soul; I have a body. My soul is forever, my body only temporary. This is important to remember.

Learn to hold loosely all that is not eternal. - Agnes Royden

Know that you are totally and fully loved. The energy of love is already manifested by anyone who has ever loved you, anyone who loves you now and anyone who will ever love you.

***

May your new year be filled with peace, prosperity and abundance in all things. Enjoy them fully with acceptance and love.

conversations with Dad ...

My dad had knee replacement surgery this past Thursday. Seventy-nine years old, the cartilage in his left knee was gone and his knee was just bone rubbing on bone. Dad has always had a very high pain threshold; never complaining, the kind of man who would just tough it out. He always kind of reminded me of Clint Eastwood in the sense of being very much an honorable, strong man, but warmer and funnier than the Clint of the old spaghetti westerns.

After work Thursday night, I drove the hour-plus to visit him in the hospital. His wife had just left for the day; my brother and sister-in-law had been by earlier. At a little past 7pm, it was just him and I. I love the times that he and I get to spend together with no one else around. We gab and gab and laugh and gab and laugh some more. The conversation always flows, no awkward pauses or anything, just a natural flow of conversation. We connect so naturally, so fluidly. He needed some pain meds that first night, so I used the button that dispenses .2mg into his IV and showed him how he could do it himself.

My mom was the sort of person that everyone naturally loved and gravitated to. She was friendly, lively, gregarious and could tell stories better than anyone I know. Dad was always a bit more shy and reserved; he was content to let her be the center at gatherings. But he has a wickedly funny sense of humor. Often at family events, I'd be in the background with him and he would absolutely have me in stitches until we were both doubled over in laughter, tucked away in some corner of the party.

He always worked two jobs when we were growing up, a full-time day job and then a part-time night job, always rising early even though he'd worked late into the night. I had ballet lessons and piano lessons due to his hard work. Every time I play the piano now, I say a blessing for both him and my mom.

After mom crossed over, my daughter and I spent a lot of time with him, doing laundry at his house every Thursday, sometimes meeting for Sunday breakfast. For a couple of years, the three of us all volunteered at a soup kitchen every Saturday. He and my daughter/his granddaughter often sat on the sofa with her snuggled up against him, his arm wrapped lovingly around her as they watched TV or talked. So comfortable and cozy with one another. He gave her away when she married.

After he remarried, he took on a new family with his new wife and her grandkids who came to live with them. He devoted himself to them just as he'd devoted himself to us as we grew up, but it meant, too, that we saw less of him, and it was rare that we spent time with him alone. I call him every week, though, and it's wonderful to just have that time with him.

In the past year, two uncles on my mom's side crossed over (Uncle Alfred and Uncle Art), several months apart. I drove Dad with me to their funerals and there we were again, talking and laughing, enjoying the presence of one another, so comfortable, so very happy together. The first man that I ever loved, the one who sets the standard for me of a man's dignity and honor, of faith and devotion, of family and love.

I went to the hospital again on Saturday, staying from 5 until after 11pm. His wife and her family all left the hospital around 7, so it was just him and me in the evening. I absolutely love doing things for him, but I also know he doesn't like to be fussed over; not because he doesn't enjoy it, but because he never wants to impose his own needs on others. Nonetheless, I had the opportunity to help him with little things: getting him water, talking with the nurses and with the doctor about his condition and needs, strapping on the booties after he'd visited the restroom, tucking his blankets ... just little things to help make him comfortable.

And we talked and talked, laughing and talking. We talked about politics, news, the economy, our new president-elect; about jobs he'd had, memories we share, about things I didn't know from the past. I'd printed out a few things that I thought he might enjoy: some e-mail funnies, my Veteran's Day blog post and an article about his old Naval ship, the Ernest G. Small. I brought him a Newsweek; we've always discussed politics in our family and this issue had some great in-depth reporting on the recent presidential campaigns that I knew he'd appreciate. We watched Cops together, amazed at the criminals' behaviors and excuses, respectful of the jobs the officers have to do. Dad had wanted to be a police officer at one point in his life and has an abundance of respect for the work.

He's doing really well after the surgery; he took a walk in the corridor today with a therapist using a walker. He had no pain at all when I spoke to him earlier this evening. I asked him if he'd like for me to come up tonight. (It's an hour's drive from my house to the hospital.) But in his usual, thoughtful way, he said "No, no. You need your rest. You have to go to work in the morning. But thank you. And thank you for staying so long with me last night."

I'll go again to visit him on Tuesday night after work, hoping selfishly that it can be just him and I again, talking and laughing together, sharing the love of a father and his only daughter. I'm abundantly blessed by having him as my father, and I never take this gift for granted. Thank you, God.

~Namaste
Photo: Dad and I on my wedding day, 1974

leaving footprints ...

Some people come into our lives and quickly go.
Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts.
And we are never ever the same.

******************************************

"Is there a clock in here?" the woman asked.

I'd noticed her earlier when I came and sat in the waiting room at the car dealership. A woman a bit older than myself, nicely dressed, her soft white hair styled, lip gloss, glasses. A pretty woman, with a kind-looking face, reading in a nearby chair.

I smiled at her and said "I don't think so, but let me check my phone. It's 1:12."

Startled, she looked at me and I realized that I hadn't reset my cellphone for the end of Daylight Saving Time, so I quickly corrected myself. She relaxed and we both chuckled over my mistake.

She was going to pick up her husband from his dialysis treatment, she told me; she wanted to be sure she wasn't late. (My granddaughters tease me about always talking to strangers; I'm the "talk to strangers lady" they say.) How long does it take, I asked her. About four hours, she said. But he never complains. He's had a number of other health problems ...

And so began a wonderful, memorable conversation with the woman with the kind face. She went on to tell me about her husband, her eyes glowing with a soft, almost reverential love, the health challenges he'd had over the years and how he faced each one with determination and optimism. It was clear that not only did she love him, but she was amazed by the spirit in this man, too.

"How did you meet?" I asked her. "I always love hearing people's "meeting" stories." She giggled a little and told me about being introduced to him, a student here in the U.S. from Colombia, when she was just 18. A few short months later, they were married and had been married for 56 years. When he was growing up, his family had adopted a number of kids (if I remember, correctly, there were 18 in his family; could that be right? Yes, I'm pretty sure it is), children who needed a home, even though his own parents weren't wealthy, but had the most generous of hearts. She said that all his siblings were remarkable like him: good, kind, caring, fun, generous people, friends to all they met.

As we talked, her gentle voice made me smile deep in my heart as she told me about their lives together, their children and grandchildren and a new great-grandchild. I imagined her as a young woman, married to a wonderful man, as a young wife, then mother and on through her life. She glowed as she spoke. Throughout our conversation, she never talked about herself; only about this man that she so obviously loved wholly and completely and the family and friends that he had influenced by his own life.

For just those moments there in the car dealership, I felt our souls connect on a deeper level as she spoke. It was like an angel showing my spirit-self the beauty of their two lives together. I was enthralled, barely aware of our surroundings. Beauty has a such a compelling way of making us oblivious to all else sometimes, and I was witnessing beauty through her stories, enchanted at hearing about this man, and thoroughly enchanted with her.

Too soon, the service consultant came and told her that her car was ready. Smiling at me as she got up, she said "I've enjoyed talking with you. May God's blessings be yours." I said a blessing back to her and watched her walk away, her story leaving its imprint on my heart.

~ Namaste